Yesterday, I read an article written by a friend who is fighting cancer at the moment. It's about what she would like others who have friends dealing with illness or difficulties to pay attention to. I think not only it's applicable for people with friends who have illness or difficulties, but in general, everyone should also think about it, and I'm sure many of us can relate some part of this.
This is the link to her article. https://dayone.me/175azVX
Many of us deal with certain struggles in life. I know mine is not worse than others and therefore shouldn't deserve much of attention. All I want to say to people is that you don't always know what is happening behind everyone's door that is closed at times. So before making any judgements/ comments that you can make within seconds, yet can create misunderstanding, loss of friendships (not just between you and that person, but if you end up telling others of your comments without verifying the situation, you can also put friendships that person has with others down into the drain.), sadness, etc.
Certainly many friendships won't last forever which I naively thought could happen as a child. It's not even about how much you give. When you're not the type of person who demand specific reciprocity from a relationship, you may find yourself having to learn letting go.
Over the last couple years, I've to deal with learning to let go more often, so I then ask myself if it's something that I've done wrong.
During my 12 years of relationship (including 9 years of marriage with my ex-husband), I hardly told anyone the physical abuse I went through, nor did I tell anyone the numbers of affairs my ex had. I couldn't proof some of them, and the first time I could and that he admitted, happened when Julian was only 6 months old. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own feet and walk out of his life. So we went through marriage counseling and that helped briefly. All these I kept to myself as I felt ashamed of it until when my ex-husband had his last affair during our relationship with our nanny in our house when I was home. I still remember that night my pretending not knowing, and after one sleepless night, my coming to the decision of leaving him. Certainly when he eventually was told I was leaving him, he used his fist again. Luckily I planned ahead and had my son elsewhere to avoid him witnessing that. This time I put charges against him with the police. There were two police vans that night in front of the house. Never ever again I would want to be in the same situation again.
No doubt, I did have a lot of friends helping me out during that tough people, and I'm truly grateful for! I don't know how to thank them more than I already had. Just that it's sad to see some of those who did offer help expected certain reciprocity that I didn't fulfill giving, and they even spread rumors about my being a selfish person, only taking advantage of others.
Also, shortly after the separation/ divorce, I met my current loving husband. Many people don't understand and make their own judgement and conclusions of my not being a loving mother for my son, or of my being a slut going for another man already in such a short while. What people don't know is what I'd been through during those 12 years without real love and respect from my ex. Even my ex-mother-in-law said I was like a doormat to my ex, who kept on stepping all over me. So how wrong is it that when I finally met someone who would take me as the way I am, love me and my son without conditions.
When my husband and I feel we are the "ONES" to each other, and as he would love to have kid(s), seeing I'm not getting any younger, so we decided to go for a baby not knowing how long it could take. Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quick though after having gone through a miscarriage. (Yes, not everyone knows this too!) And this pregnancy was one stressful one with a lot of medical concerns.
Then there came Sami. The recovery path on the C-section took quite long, and then I was hit by Sami's reflux, something I knew nothing about before having Sami. When I talk about reflux, I often get people replying saying theirs spit up too. Well, in Sami's case, that's not really the matter. She has silent reflux, and in those bad days, I had to hold her up straight without her choking and turning blue. And I'm not even mentioning the crying she had done back then. I struggled a lot and depression hit me.
All these hardships are gradually behind me, though I still get other challenges hitting me from time to time, like my ex or Sami being ill and so. And I'm writing this not because I'm asking for sympathy, and definitely not asking people to really understand me. I'm just asking people to start thinking when they make judgements/ gossips/ comments of other people, first ask yourself if you already know the situation well enough to say those things you plan to say.
These days Sami still may wake us up 3-10 times at night. Probably in the past, when someone would tell me this, I might end up thinking that person might have been just spoiling their babies. Well, now I definitely think differently. We have pretty much tried everything or every trick. We sometimes also feed her at night, because getting at least a stretch of 4-5 hours sleep is very crucial for my sanity.
Also, like my friend said, when you have friends who are going thru some tough times, and you don't know how to react to show you still care, just do a whatsapp, a Facebook message or whatever, by starting with "how are you?" "is there anything I can do to help you?", "shall I drop by?", "can I give you a hand with anything?". Don't stay quiet and hope all will go away.
During the last couple years, I'm glad even though I've to learn letting go of some friendships that I cherished a lot, I have come across some new friendships. I've had people who offered to help without even knowing me well, coming by my house to chat. Thank you those who have been there for me!
