When preparing invitation cards, you see often card templates with words like "Time flies", or "how I have enjoyed your first year..." well, I cannot really get myself choosing those words, since for me, the first year has been such a ride on a non-stop roller coaster! I don't think I have even got off it yet. Yes, I do enjoy her first smile, her first laugh, even her first fart! Just that I don't really honestly have the feeling of time having gone by quick. If I could fast forward the clock, I would have, simply because the nights are long, and the reflux journey has been exhausting.
Ok, things have improved after Sami's surgery, though I feel sometimes I have jinxed it again by having announced and celebrated our victory too loud, since Sami started showing food aversion again. The first time she started showing that three weeks after her surgery, I tried to ignore it, but when it started getting worse, and we need to feed her with cookies to get her keep eating, I know food aversion is back. Just that, is it due to teething? Or the snotty nose she started having? Or reflux? Well, I wish I could have a child with a digital display to show me what the problem is!
So sometimes I kind of dislike weekends. Weekends with a child that eats poorly, or pukes (hopefully that stage has passed us for now), mean staying home all weekend long. People say I should bring her out more often, to get her less anxious meeting new faces. Yes, I would love to be out, whether it's shopping or having meals out, just that going out with a child like this isn't fun, so I don't wanna be bothered even, or let's say saving my frustrations being exposed out there.
The other day when holding Sami, I heard this teeth grinding sound, which you knew she couldn't have with the two tooth that we last did our tooth counting. So after some struggle, I managed to stick my finger in her mouth, and yes, ouch, I got bitten by both upper and lower tooth! So there we go, we finally have tooth #3! And this kind of explains why she has been more clingy and eating poor, or at least this was what we concluded.
Certainly when posting blogs like I've been, I wonder if one day Sami reads it (if they are still available out there), if she will feel our love towards her being less than what she would expect. Well, I hope that won't be the case. I know to some other people, I may sound ungrateful for having a cute lovely looking daughter, and I should have known what motherhood is about. I should have known this is hard work, and that sleep becomes a luxurious activity. I should have known being a mother means less time for myself and for my hubby. I do feel guilty like a teenager for having these feelings.
We had our "final" check up with the pediatrician last week, and he just didn't think it was that much of a big deal when we mentioned that she has started eating poorly again, as well as her snotty nose. He even advised us to start weaning her off the anti-reflux medication, as he was a bit reserved about the impact of long-term meds usage on such a small child. Certainly no parents would want their kids to be on meds, just I feel a bit scared to wean her off seeing things aren't going the right direction yet. He did say we have to accept at times that she can't tolerate all food just yet when I mentioned carrots, yogurt and fruits are still no-touch zone for us. After this appointment, the pediatrician has told us not to make any further appointment with him, but to ring him up if there is anything wrong.
Then we went home, and since then, her eating has been back to the old pattern of needing a lot of distraction. Also, what I noticed is that she would slap her ears or her head when eating. She started also not swallowing her food, and keeping her food in her mouth. I decided to call the ENT doctor who confirmed after checking her ears that there is just too much fluid in her ears. So we need to have tubes fitted in for her. If I could, I would have let them do it right away, but we have to wait till April 1st, and it's not a joke! So 3 more weeks of hanging in there. I keep on reminding myself that we have already been thru this 11 months, so only 3 more weeks to go, then we will get there. It's just that it's so hard to feed her these days. Don't think many would understand the intensity and anxiety one can get from this, plus her waking up more often at night. I now call her a snooze alarm clock that mal-functions, since I would want her to only go off after 6 a.m. and not earlier than that.
People keep on asking how I survive with such poor sleep. I really don't know. I just do as much as I can to hang in there. I do have less patience, and I do snap at others when I hit the limit, which I regret. It's just really tough. The only thing that comforts me is seeing Sami laughing at times that she can. I can't really wait to see an end to this whole eating issue as well as sleeping issue. I know I'll get other challenges, but I do think it would be less intense, won't it?!
The good thing is though people do say also that I should be proud of myself for having been this strong for Sami, to keep fighting and looking for ways to make her feel better. Now looking back, when I thought of the moments that our GP saying to us that it's non sense when I told him that Sami won't swallow, I wish to slap him in his face to proof myself being right! It is not non-sense. She has too much fluid in her ears, which gets painful when she swallows. She hits herself hoping to get the pain relief. If we don't do anything about this, she will have speech development issues as well as motor skills issues. This may even explain why she isn't crawling well yet, not to even mention her not walking. Our GP looked at Sami at the time, and said she is just a perfectly healthy child who is just playing with us! Well, stuff it, NOT! Sami is a sweet little girl who is trying her best to be a happy girl. Try imagine having a cold constantly, and people keep making you to eat when it hurts to swallow!
