Sami was hospitalized then for the 6th time on October 2nd, since we were at our wits end, and I could not handle it anymore. Actually during the weekend of Sept 27th, when my hubby had to leave us alone at home due to home-moving, I really was at my worst state. I hated feeding times, and it was impossible to hold Sami properly during feeding since she would arch back so much that it was hard not to let her fall. I was in tears, and yet I couldn't get any help. My hubby and I had more fights, and then we made up, realizing that this is all due to the stress we are having.
I am glad however that I've kept in touch with one of our "kraamzorgster" (someone who took care of us at home for a few days right after coming home from Sami's arrival), who has been great. She texts me often, checking how things are. She shows a lot of understanding which I can't always get from everyone. She introduced me to "Babyhuis" which I didn't know about, a place where they will assist moms and dads with their babies if they are in trouble. They will take the babies in and help you to regain your confidence and pick things up again on your own. Though eventually we didn't go there as Sami got hospitalized, I feel relieved to know I've still have help and hope as I didn't feel so in those dark moments I went through.
What is tough with having a reflux baby is that not everyone can understand what you're going through. People may think you're exaggerating, overreacting, over-demanding, and that you should accept life as it is for having a baby. I thought at times that these people were right, and that I shouldn't fuss at all. I also lost hope in getting help from people or from the medical experts. All I could do was praying, and even that I was losing my faith. Having a reflux baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to handle. Not only how to handle her, but also how to fit that into our lives.
I feel awfully guilty when I've less patience and time for my son, Julian. He has been real sweet and understanding, but he is still a child of 9 years old. He still needs me. This week with Sami being in the hospital, we even had to ask Julian to do his homework on a folded table in the hospital, and had dinner much later than usual. He said he would tell his little sister in the future to love me more because of all the effort I've put in now with her feeding issues.
Next to that, I have a job that I love, a job that I must keep to pay our bills, a full-time job that others may not understand why I am keeping. In Holland, most moms either stay home or work part-time. With my job, it's not close to impossible to do it part-time, so luckily in a way, I can have a certain flexibility, and I've a very understanding boss.
Due to my struggles in this, I sometimes ask my hubby if he regrets having me as his wife, as his daughter's mom. Luckily, so far, he hasn't got regrets yet. One thing we both agree to though is that we won't be having another baby for sure. I admire moms who can handle having another baby after a reflux baby. Or even having twins reflux babies. I really don't know how they do that.
Today Sami is being released from the hospital. The pediatricians asked me to come in to have a talk as my hubby was there already since he took days off during this time. We sat down, and I told them my concerns of having all these major ups and downs with her feeding issues caused by the reflux. According to them, the reflux should be under control, and that she will grow out of it (yes...we have heard that many times)... They said she is growing well, and has enough reserve to go by if she doesn't drink well for a few days. They claimed her bronchitis came from a cold and not what we thought from the reflux. Anyway, we aren't doctors, so we can't win that discussion there.
Since they only had her when the horrendous days passed, so it's hard for them to see the bad days but only saw the improvements. They asked me if I had enjoyed the time with my LG, so I told them I've had many days that I really don't. I hated feeding times, and wish I could just stick a pill in for her to live on.
Now they have signed us up for their "eating group" where we get support not only from speech pathologist, dietician, but also children psychologist who can also help the moms dealing with emotions when caring a baby isn't as simple. They were afraid I would take it offended, but I didn't and told them I am open for any help, if only it's to make us a happy family.
I know we will have a long path to go and I'm really hoping this is another new start. They have asked me to try staying positive, and not thinking negatively. I told them it's hard when you've gone thru 6 months of non-stop feeding issues and so. And it's even harder when you're told to lower your expectations when you're the one who gets out of bed 5-6 times per night, and the next day you still have a full-time job to go to!
We do know that in comparing her case to other cases what you see in a hospital, she is very healthy then. I have heard from friends who had seen some mothers having to say goodbye to their babies in the hospital for good. I guess then I must feel very lucky that Sami is a happy baby in general if she is not bothered by the reflux, teething, or so.
Sami now being 6 months old, has not only been able to roll over from back to belly, but now also being able to go back from belly to back. She would keep rolling over now when you put her down, unless you tug the extra piece of her sleeping bag under the mattress, and tug her tightly in with a blanket.
Yesterday for the first time, the hospital also skipped her 11:30 pm bottle, and she did sleep till this morning when they had to wake her up for her 1st bottle. Let's hope we can keep doing so then. I kept giving her that bottle since she was drinking not much and thinking that at least that would help to add the intake up. Now that she is taking more food in, maybe we can try going without. Who knows, maybe she will take more during the day too.
She not only likes eating parsnips, but also broccoli, spinach, and green beans. Hope she will enjoy food as much as I do :-)
She has learned recently to put her own dummy back into her mouth by having played with it constantly, pulling it out of her mouth and back in... It's cute to see!
In 2-3 weeks time, we will be going on a small vacation together as a family, and a very good friend of mine will be joining us as well. I look forward to it!!! I can't wait to see how she would react when being put into the swimming pool, as I remember how much Julian loved it, and started swimming when he was 7 months old. Sami would be 7 months old then too!
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