Soul Caring

When reading some professional blogs, I see they are more focused on one single topic, whether it is related to parenting or something else.

If you have been reading mine, you will see it is related to almost every thing that goes on in my life, which includes parenting, being a wife, being a daughter, etc. I do not care too much about my blog not being popular, because I am writing more for myself, and sharing my experiences, my views, my success, my failure, etc with others, in the hope that this would help others too.

 

It has taken me 40 years to realize the importance of SOUL CARE. We tend to be overwhelmed by our daily commitments, responsibilities and lives we think we should be leading, that we sometimes forget to give space for our feelings, give ourselves time to sit down and think.

 

I am lucky enough to have found the right path by reaching out, to find ways on putting some closures to the past, giving some love and peace to presence, and embrace the presence.

 

I am not saying it is not important to talk about the past, and it sure is important sometimes, when handling some pain, anger, disappointment, regrets, etc. The healing process can be a long journey, and we do not have to set deadlines to ourselves. We can take it in a gentle way, by taking a step at a time.

 

Lately, I am learning some techniques which I would like to share with you all.

 

Breathing exercise

 

Yes, it sounds sometimes a bit old but it does work wonders. When feeling sad or overwhelmed, put your hands onto your belly if you can, and breath in deeply by counting 1-10, then breath out slowly by counting another 1-10. After doing so a couple times, try counting from 10-1 too. This does calm ourselves down. It's like our bodies learn to reboot by doing so.

 

Imaginations

 

I have imagined myself (with closed eyes if possible), taking a walk, then walking through the forest, hearing the sound of my feet stepping onto the fallen leaves. Then there is a warm fireplace, so I started walking towards it gradually. I see a wise person sitting there. The wise person waved at me gesturing me to sit down next to the person. I can see how he/ she looks like. It is quiet, and I'm told that I can only ask this wise person one question. I ask, "how do I know I'm doing good enough?" This wise person would then tell me the answer. The answer is, "Just believe in you and God, you will have the strength to handle it all."After that, I slowly get up, hug this wise person, and leave.

 

Another imagination I have done is by closing my eyes, I think about being in a safe warm place. This is a place where I know I am always safe. Slowly I open my eyes. I notice myself sitting in a church in Hong Kong. There are candles lit, and a nice warm scent of candles that make me feel safe. It is like I am back home, God's home. Then I see there are nuns there whom I know and trust. They are nuns who have been in my life from my high school. There are also a few teachers from my high school. They are there to comfort me and hug me. They take me as who I am without expecting me to be someone else. They are proud of whom I am.

 

Remembering, listening to or reading about spiritual or inspiring quotes or articles

 

After having met some very inspiring people lately, reading their blogs or reading articles out there, digesting those inspiring quotes help me to calm down, and put things into perspective. I come up with quotes with my own words.

 

Doing something relaxing

 

 

Having kids and having a full-time job gives me not much room to do much on the relaxation part. I have to be creative to find ways to relax. Taking a long shower on a Saturday or Sunday morning is like the best gift my husband can give me at times. Just that I need to remember locking the door, or else I can never be alone as my son is still comfortable in coming in to talk to me about anything just when I am under the shower.

 

 

If possible, I try to find an hour or two time off somewhere to just be alone. My son goes to a Chinese private tutor class, so that is a good time for me just being alone. I like to shop around, do groceries, meet up with someone or just glancing through some books. One of my hobbies had been hanging around in bookstores in Hong Kong as a child, just that unfortunately book stores are not that popular anymore as they used to be.

 

One thing in the moment

 

I try to focus my attention on just what I am doing. Or just on myself. Put my mind in the present.

 

Having said this, it may look simple, but it is not when often I find myself juggling around with different tasks at the same time.

 

Self-Encouragement

 

There are different ways doing it. You can tell yourself the following:

"You go girl"

"I will make it out of this."

"I am doing the best I can."

"I can stand it."

"This soon shall pass."

"I will be OK."

"It won't last forever."

"I can do this."

 

There is this Chinese novel, named "The True Story of Ah Q". published in 1921 and 1922. The story embraces the adventures of "Ah Q", a man from the rural peasant class with little education and no definite occupation. Ah Q is famous for "spiritual victories", for self-talk and self-deception even when facing extreme defeat or humiliation. He persuades himself mentally that he is spiritually superior to his oppressors even as he succumbs to their tyranny and suppression. He believes he is the victor every time he loses a fight.

 

Sometimes we all have to be "Ah Q", to tell ourselves that even though we failed, we actually have won because we have become stronger.

 

 

 

 

I do not always manage to do these all or any of it. I get overwhelmed at times so much that I cannot think clearly. I make mistakes but I am OK with that too. I would like to teach my children that it is OK to make mistakes just as long as you make them quick enough to learn from it, and move on, also dare to admit you are wrong! Making mistakes is not the privilege of children but adults as well. Sure enough mistakes made by adults can have a bigger consequences.

 

 

 



Acceptance towards ourselves and our children

This year's school talk at my son's school was slightly different. Instead of just going through the scores, we focused more on his emotional state.

I was displeased that the school did not reach out to me earlier than my taking the initiative to get help from a children's psychologist. As from there, I had a questionnaire given to the school teachers to fill in.

The response from the teachers was their not knowing how to bring it out to me without worrying me. I honestly think it is a poor excuse, but I do understand that there are parents who have difficulties in accepting their children having difficulties or issues. Many would go into a denial stage.

 

 

Without accepting our children having difficulties, we cannot be there for them to get the right help they need. As an adult, we also learn to accept ourselves for whom we are, and realizing that we are not perfect. So for our children, we must do the same.

 

Sure enough, it is music to our ears if we hear only compliments on how well behaving our children are. At the same time, I am glad I have less difficulties than others accepting criticisms over my son. As his mother, often I know what the issues are, and how he behaves in general.

 

My job as his mother is to tell him what is acceptable and what is not, but to still let him know I am here for him, and that I will keep loving him not matter what. Each day I will forgive and forget what he has done wrong, move on, and this is what as parents should do. As parents, you will never give up.

 

There are plenty of occasions that he has made my hair standing up in the air with anger. Those are the moments that I try hard and sometimes I fail to remain calm and loving. I remind myself that I am an adult, with well-developed emotional intelligence. I accept also the fact that I am imperfect.

 

 

2nd round marriage

When I first met my current husband, I realized then that love could be so much different than what I was used to. I could not believe I actually deserve being loved in such way. I in return give him all the love I have, as I realize he is my MR RIGHT.



So for me, getting re-married is not difficult, although I had been confronted by people's criticisms on my jumping into a new relationship. Often for some Chinese, it seems to be a disgraceful thing to do. I have lost friendships because of this, but I tell myself to focus on the people who love me and accept me the way I am.

Nevertheless, in round-two marriage with my husband being the stepfather, my son being the stepson, it is no easy gig. The greatest challenge is conflict over the parenting of the stepson/ son, especially when my husband applies more traditional parenting style, and I apply more the gentle approach. Okay, I will admit it too that I feel guilty too for what my son has to be put through. I made the decision together with my husband to enter this marriage with a sincere desire to create a loving, functional, blended family. My son didn't have the choice. Mixing a family is like mixing oil and vinegar, it is really not as easy as it looks.

Ever since my pregnancy, my husband has been putting his focus on me and our little daughter, that the relationship between him and my son has just not been well-invested and well-maintained. With my son's hitting the pre-puberty age, the number of fights we have at home really tells us how obvious this is beginning to affect our lives.

I try understanding my husband's feeling. I know the tension-filled situation we have got ourselves into often can cause a once-hopeful family to start falling apart, and that is the last thing I want to see happening. I understand that for my husband to survive from the over-boiling frustrations, he may end up disconnecting from me and disengaging from parenting my son.

I do not want to lose hope in this. I have always been a fighter in my life. I have stayed strong all these years to survive, and I will stay strong if I have to. I definitely am committed to make this marriage work by all means. The question is how!

How do we blend traditional parenting with gentle parenting style?



I feel we don't do enough as a family together. In the weekend, my son goes to football, and then we just do our weekly groceries shopping followed by hanging around in the house. And on Sunday, we don't often go out either. Bi-weekly I bring my son to his Chinese private lessons, and when we get around to, we then can spend some mother-and-son time together. I strongly feel there is a need to spend more family time together, so that we have some fun and laughter again in this household.

For those who read this, please enlighten me with your ideas too! I have learned that parenting is not easy but you also don't have to walk alone in this.

Outbalancing the negativity with the positivity as a mother

My last blog ended positively when sharing my joy of celebrating my son's 10th birthday. Just that life is with ups and downs. The following day, he was vomiting and sitting on the toilet from a stomach flu. He was saying how hard a lesson he has learned, not to pick food off the floor and eat it, not eating so many candies in one-go, not wearing only one layer of t-shirt in the cooler days, etc. Anyway, I don't think he had been that sick for as long as he could remember (of course, he had been there before, just that he doesn't remember it anymore.) He did shape up after a day and life went on as usual. He went to school on Friday, and on Saturday he went for his football match. On Sunday, he got another bag of candies from his Chinese teacher who doesn't seem to understand that I dislike bribing children to learn by candies or junk food, so there we went with the so-called lessons he learned. He was sick again.

 

Meanwhile, at the daycare where Sami's goes to, stomach flu is going on too. Sure enough, it didn't take long for her to join the club. I have not seen so much mess in my life within a short-time frame. Loads of laundry and lots of toilet and puke bucket cleaning, in the hope to stop bacteria/ virus spreading any further in the household.

 

Because of the stomach flu, we have slowed down the reflux medicine weaning. Unfortunately, after having been to 3 hospitals for Sami, we just don't have answers on Sami's frequent cough, snot, poor eating, and all. At times, I end up being the doctor, as doctors have asked me what I wanted instead.

 

It's awfully frustrating to someone like me who is crazily solution-orientated when there is just no solution! At work, when I am confronted by challenges, I often manage to find ways to handle it, to solve it, and feel satisfied by that. Now with a child who is often sick, and who is a toddler with a strong sense of what she wants and doesn't want, I am in need of an infuse-load of patience.

My hubby then reminded me when I said I hope she will feel better soon, that it is just the beginning. I felt so depressed when hearing that, while his point is to tell me "get used to it, that's life about having kids."

 

Am I not ready for kids? Sometimes it sure feels like so, because of the amount of failure I feel having as being a mother. I love my children and I won't trade them in for anything else.

 

At the same time, undoubtedly, I miss my pre-mother life too. I wish I realized back then that I actually had loads of free "ME" time. What did I do with that?!

After my second-round pregnancy, my body betrayed me. I have gained weight. That hurts my self-esteem. I do want to look good and feel sexy again. Luckily, there are people out there who are willing to tell the world that it's OK to show your motherly figure. It is what comes along being a mother, having a baby inside you for 9 months each time, and for those who have breastfed, realizing that your breasts can actually do so much!

 

 

My tiredness took over my sex life. Sleep is more important than sex to me now. When we do have sex, it's often a quick one. My less-sexy body makes me at times uncertain about my atrractiveness even though I know my hubby understands and does not complain. I know good marriage needs often good sex in the formula. It's an investment in our relationship.

 

I remember seeing someone posting on a mother support Facebook group, wondering why there is so much negativity about motherhood. I ask myself the same thing. I guess it's a natural thing to do, thinking about the negativity more than the positivity.

 

So I ask myself then what about pleasant events? Are there any pleasant events that I can do to outbalance it? Something that I can really do, and not wish to do.

Jogging/ walking

Yes, I do that from time to time after lunch break at work. Or when I'm up for it, going for a run after kids have gone to bed.

Thinking, "I've done a full-day of work, and I've done my best."

It's the latter part of the sentence that is most important. It's like a pat on the shoulder, but to myself.

Having lunch with my colleagues
We laugh over silly things and talk about serious stuff.

Shopping

I was never crazy about shopping until I started my career, since I didn't have money to in the past. And my loving shopping tells me I'm just like any other ladies who enjoy that.

 

Helping others

Even my schedule is busy, and maybe I sometimes overdo it, I love the idea of being able to help others. Maybe it's because I know how life sometimes can be when you feel helpless and when someone comes around the corner, it's like bringing you warmth during an ice-cold winter. Last week, I brought some food over for a friend who is ill and has kids. Her smile was such a gift to me when she welcomed me to her house.

 

Blogging & Writing

Writing helps to structure my thinking, and put my life back in perspective again. Sometimes it does bring out some sad emotions back onto the surface, but maybe they are not meant to be hidden at all times.

 

Expressing my love to someone

When noticing my hubby being in a grumpy mood, I try to cheer him up by being silly, tickling him, and telling him I love him.

 

Reading inspiring articles and talking to inspiring people

Thanks to the world of Internet, I have access to a world of inspiring articles as well as getting to know a few inspiring people. They have brought me joy and encouragement in my life. They think of me, and send messages from time to time, which helps. They don't tell me what to do in life, but tell me that I am doing also a good job.

 

Reflecting on how I have improved

Thinking back how I did things and how I have improved helps. It's not easy to sit for a moment and tell myself that. Also, generally I am not the type glorifying myself, but I think sometimes it is good to look ourselves back in the mirror, and seeing how we have grown.

 

Getting a massage

This has not been something I have done for awhile. My hubby is the first who brought to my first massage, and I am very pleased that he did! Making the time for it is often the key, but it does relax myself so much that I sleep better at night.

 

 

 

 

Highlights of the week....

I am very grateful these days that I have met many inspiring people lately in my life. They have inspired me in many different ways.

 

I have learned to ask myself more frequently what the highlights are of my week, what the down moments may be, what tricks I have done to make things better in life, what my best characters are. All these help me to get to know myself even better, and eventually I hope to come to peace in doing some closures on my old scars.

 

My highlight of the week now is definitely my son's 10th birthday. 10th birthday is as special as it is for him as it is for me. I still can remember all special moments I have shared with him, especially the day he came to this world. At the same time, I did find myself feeling a moment of bitterness as when my ex sent me a message saying how he remembers holding him at that first moment, as I remember also well how he said he thanked me for giving him such a boy. When I felt that, I pushed that feeling away immediately, and focused on getting his birthday organized. I've got his treats ready, and we went to school together, with my daughter along. She loved the big kids' world, and my son's love towards his sister was just showing amazingly well without him doing it on purpose. I enjoyed that moment very well and almost wanted to freeze that.

 

 

 

 

My son then had his kiddie party, and everyone that came along had a great time. They didn't want to leave but it was a good two hours play. We as adults were glad to get out of the busy indoor playground anyway.

 

Though my son begged to play with other kids longer, I decided it was a good moment to cool him down with all the sugar and excitement he had, so he immediately picked up a book that he got and started reading it. I am so happy to see how much he now enjoys reading.

 

After picking up his sister from daycare, we went out for dinner as a family of four. It was good, though slightly stressful with my daughter not wanting to eat much. I can't wait to have the teething stage over... My son enjoyed the little treat the restaurant did, and people sang birthday song to him.

 

The fun of going to a restaurant with a toddler is that you have to go for the escape route when they start getting tired, impatient, and fussy. We went home, got both kids showered/ bathed. We had our little cake celebration before they went to bed. All in all, I think it was a great way to have his birthday celebrated. To me, my children's birthday makes me happier than my own birthday, because my children are my pride!

 

 

 I love this song from this cool music group, Metro. They are western folks, but have learned to sing in Cantonese amazingly well. My son loves this song too as there was this year that I got a radio DJ playing this for him on his birthday, telling him that he is my pride!

 

 

Lately, I have found myself slowly learning to find tricks to make my life easier by communicating better with people around to stop myself from stressing out. I ask myself what the triggers are that causing me exploding, and I work my way around to avoid those. Like when my daughter is fussing, throwing food onto the floor, my son's bilibala, Cantonese expression of endless talking just triggers my mind to shut down completely. Therefore, instead of letting things going out of hand, I decided one day to ask him if he would like my full attention when he talks to me. He of course said yes, so I said, "my dear, I am not coping well at the moment with your little sister fussing while it's something she cannot help as she cannot express herself. So can you wait till I have more time, then mommy can have her full attention to what you have to say?" Wow, I did it, that was what I realized after having said that. I felt good when seeing my son's reaction. He didn't keep on going, and he understood.

 

Because of whom I have grown into, always in the high-speed mode and doing a lot of things independently, I get myself all stressed out. And maybe because people around me are used to my functioning as such, so when I slow down, I find myself getting more stressed as work isn't done as I wish. I don't know how to do things differently yet to give myself more breathing space. That's something I still yet have to learn.

 

 

I am amazed by how much I have come to realization lately after being more conscious of what have happened with me in the past, and instead of just keep on going, I have found myself actually been on a survival mode. My being strong, being highly efficient, being forgiving, being loyal and being caring are all strong characters from me, things I have heard of others saying about me. Yet, these all are often linked to my having to survive, having to move on, so I have trained myself for being so.

 

A lot of the things I have not told people about are things which I don't want people to feel I am making a big deal of them. Now after having revealed them more and more, people are telling me that they are matters that shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

I still have a lot of homework to do on myself. One of them is being passionate not only to others, but also to myself. I don't know how to get that done just yet, and I will find out more soon.

 

About myself.....

When I started blogging here, I focused a lot on Sami's development, especially relating to her reflux journey. Recently, I talked about our journey as a family on a more harmonized family life.

Now I would like to turn the spotlight onto myself for a short moment. A lot has happened in my life, and definitely in the past five years.

After Sami's birth, my life has gotten onto a faster roller coaster, and as a mother, you will continue to fight for your little one, so you do your best to remain strong. I have gone through a period of postnatal depression, which was definitely one of the darkest moments of my life. I was lucky to have my husband to lean onto.


Often families with attention demanding children whether it is medical or due to other reasons are struggling on their own with not as much support as needed. Understanding is hard to obtain, and that's not because people around them don't want to, but it is sometimes just hard for others to know what it really involves.

For instance, reflux children often have bottle and food aversion, and the feedback you get from people around you may not always be helpful, because they don't deal with your situation daily. They have no idea the intensity of this.

Sami's aversion is luckily not as bad as some of the refluxers that I've got to know, but still it's very tricky. We are told that she is now missing certain vitamins, calcium and iron. As a mother, I don't mind her being small and short, but I do want her to be healthy. I try all sort of food, menus, different cooking style to get her eating more. Sometimes my son will get jealous of his little sister for the amount and variety of food that she gets, and when she refuses to eat them, he then finally gets them. Sure enough, I try to make as much for both but that would be way too much, and I try to explain to my son why this is happening. He tries hard to understand.

Refluxers are also known to be poor sleepers. I don't know if this is why Sami doesn't sleep through the night. She is now 19 months, and answering whether she sleeps through that night is like playing Russian roulette. 9 times out of 10, I am the one getting up for her as my husband just can't hear her crying. I don't always run to see her, but I'm awake by her crying. I struggle to fall back to sleep at times or she wakes me up again after I have fallen back to sleep. But the 19 months of broken nights do impact my life.

In general, in the current society, women face an ever-increasing demand on playing the role of multi-tasking. We are expected to work while taking care of things around the house. We are more detailed-orientated, and therefore lots of things are taken care of by us.

I am one of those women. I work full-time, and have two children to take care of. My ex, my son's biological father, has left for China for his career, so Julian is with me the whole time which I don't mind or complain. However, it does take time for my husband and Julian to find their ways to build a step-father & son relationship. It's not easy for either of them. Often I deal with guilty feelings because of this too. I also try to facilitate between them, but sometimes I feel I am stuck between them.

Last year, I have been diagnosed for the first time that I have chronic migraine, which explained a few symptoms I have had in the past years. I am now on lifetime medication, and one of the side effects is gaining weight. So baby fat plus this doesn't make it easy on me, and this puts a heavy load on my self esteem. Comments made by others are harsh but at the same time I think they are true. I have gone fat!

With my illness, my experience in depression, abuse, the usual day-to-day push and rush, and "entirely-for-others" approach, I end up feel drained, hardened and disconnected from the inner me.

In the Chinese culture, we are taught not to think too much about ourselves but others. We give and give. If we don't, then we are selfish. We are told that every one has his/ her own challenges, and our own ones should not be seen as important. We should not be under the spotlights. But is this correct? Should we keep on going?

Once in a while I do get an hour or two for myself, and I go out walking in downtown, or getting shopping for myself and the family. I find myself feeling temporarily relieved, but they are just short-term bandage over the wound within the same cycle, and eventually the same drained feeling returns.

So how do I break this cycle? How can I let go and fix this before I run out of battery? Without an energized mother, how can my kids grow up?

So I have decided to go ahead, reach out for help. At first, I wonder if I'm exaggerating things. But the more I have dug into the issues, the more I have come to realization I want to have this sorted.

My picking up on running, to be out there alone in the cold air free up my mind.

My speaking with a few inspiring people helps my finding ways to deal with scars and move on.

So I would really like to urge any of those who are dealing with all that "pushing-through" action after action, day after day, to not only take care of others, but also themselves.

Yesterday after my blogs were posted, I have received some loving complimenting feedback and a few of them are mothers with reflux children. Some are inspired by the thought of writing. I'm happy because to be inspired is great, and to inspire is even more incredible!

Thoughts behind heading towards a harmonized family...(to be continued)

 

Ever since the summer vacation from my son ended this year, we have had times in the weekends that became unpleasant at home. We did our share of yelling and door slamming, which I am definitely not proud of.

Thus I have decided to make steps to make our lives better in a certain way. It is not to say I'm unhappy with my life, or ungrateful. I'm grateful to be the mother of my two children, and yes even having to deal with the reflux issues my daughter has experienced since birth, plus my son's pre-teen character.

I did say before to others that I have a second child because my hubby (from my 2nd marriage) wants a child. But deep inside, I know it' a gift. A gift to us all. Julian has learnt to become such a gentle brother, helping taking care of his little sister, having so much love towards her that I can't put them into words. Sami loves her big brother too. She would call for him whenever she hears him. I hope they will continuing loving each other and being there for each other.



Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Some people say I should not put a magnifying glass onto the problems, as I might be overreacting and giving more pressure onto it instead. They may be right, but I strongly believe that without proper handling, these won't go away by themselves. We can show our children that we make mistakes as we go along each day. We accept we are not perfect, and may fail. It is OK to fail, and you just get back up and learn from the lessons.

Many of us as parents have to break the cycle we personally grew up in, and we have to work on defining and refining our parenting philosophy and principles. What worked in the past doesn't mean it works now. What worked for one of the children does not mean it would work on another child of yours because every one is different. This is not easy, because it is not familiar to us.

One thing I have learned is not to be judgmental, meaning not expressing my judgement along with my agenda to everyone. It's human nature to judge everything and everyone at all times. There is no escape. It's an evolutionary mechanism buried deep in a part of the brain you have no control over. It's useful when it comes to survival and self protection. Therefore, I try not to be judgmental on others' parenting skills, but I do want to have similar parenting approach together with my husband, as we are partners on this parenthood thing.



Coming from the Chinese background, we have been taught to respect anyone older than us with no conditions attached. You just do! I notice now being an adult and being in the western world as a mom, this principle cannot always be applied. I struggle at times to find the right definition of respect to teach my son. These days children want to understand why before they can accept your ideas. That's OK, as that means they are doing more thinking than just being programmed.




Recently, I have tried my utmost (yes, more than just "my best") to be more gentle on the parenting front. Just this Saturday, after my son did his book presentation in front of us, I gave him immediately with positive feedback, followed by some improvement points. This is a skill I need to work hard on, because I grew up in the environment that I often received only negative feedback. As a child, I felt I never could make my parents proud of me, and therefore I pushed myself to be a perfectionist by achieving flying scores. I know maybe without that push, I might have achieved with what I've now today, but I do think it did have an impact on my self image.

In addition to this, I work on being a facilitator, to manage the communication skills between my son and my hubby. They are in a way similar, because they both can be blunt and explosive verbally. I try to jump into their conversation when necessary by providing suggestions on how they can rephrase their sentences without escalating a conversation while getting their points through.



In a way, it does take up a lot of energy from me, but it gives positive vibes back unlike being frustrated only if I were to join their explosive heavy discussion. Furthermore, I have taken the opportunity to get out with my son on a Sunday to have lunch together. We don't go out often as a family because of my daughter's nap time. I miss being out. Anyway, that did some good to us. Next to that, I had two hours to myself after my son went to take his Chinese class. I shopped for some running gear, and met up with my high school friend from Hong Kong who moved to Holland recently to chat. It was very pleasant.

I still had the guilty feeling when coming home, seeing a tired husband with a cranky toddler. I need to learn how to deal with this guilty feeling.

Luckily, I'm surrounded by a few people who can give me positive energy, and support me in their amazing ways that I could not have imagined. They insprire me and remind me things that I may not be able to see immediately. They hold my hand and say everything will be okay.



 

Sami, our little reflux fighter, 19 months old!!!

Time does go by faster with Sami growing a bit older, even though she is still not yet fully off the reflux medication that she is taking since 6 weeks old, Nexium. She is a fighter, someone with a strong character! And sometimes that explains why she complained so much when she was in so much pain with the reflux and infections bothering her. On the other hand, that's how she has managed to keep smiling whenever she gets to. Showing us how proud she is of her own achievement. She takes her time to show her milestones, but when she does, she lets us know she is ready for it. This is also why I am so proud of her!

 

 

Recently, I made a post on my Facebook telling others how grateful I am being a mom for Julian, and Sami, that I have learned to be more conscious about gentle peaceful parenting. It's a great learning process for and funnily enough, I am happy to be in it, though sometimes I struggle.

 

Then a mom who has a reflux child has asked me if that is because she is doing better, and that's why I feel better.

Maybe that I've more sleep, so more patience.

 

Actually that's not really the reason. Sami is still small to her age, size wise. We struggle with feeding at times, and her food aversion from reflux poor days gets complicated when toddler hits her (or us!). She tells us clearly what she won't allow to be presented in front of her as being food. We have followed diary free diet for over 6 months now. We don't know if it really has helped, and she is getting smarter to know we are trying to give her non-diary substitute, such as rice milk, so she has started to refuse those too. From the latest report from the diet specialist, she scores low on certain vitamins, calcium and iron. When telling some people, they would suggest to force her eating them, or they just make comments about my not having tried hard enough. Sometimes the amount of food I make can actually feed a few families, and the amount of food that ends up on the floor is so much that Sami should donate to the 3rd world countries.

 

And about sleep.... I still get up often at night for her. Sometimes I don't get up, but her crying does wake me up. At times I am too tired to get out. At times looking at the web-cam from my smart phone (thanks to the technology available these days!!!), I know she may be just crying over a dream. I am finding it harder to get out of bed in the morning simply because my body is just too tired and worn out after a long period of missing my bed.

 

 

 

So where do I get patience from? Well, no where... it's something I have to learn and earn. It's something that I must recharge myself. I have realized that I've waited long enough not to do anything about it but to complain over it. So after having spoken with a few inspiring people, I realized that there are other ways to handle this.

 

They have inspired me how I could look at things differently.

They have encouraged me to seek for help and support.

They have lent me a listening ear.

 

 

 

Surely, all these smiles I get back give me courage to keep moving in our busy hectic daily lives.

 

 

Recent visit at the pediatrician had brought us worries, as she was wondering if she had immunodeficiency. So poor girl, I had to have Sami's legs tightly held between my legs, her right arm under my armpit, and both hands holding her left arm. There were two nurses helping to hold her down and get blood out of her. Because of her small blood veins, we had to wait long for each drop of blood to fill up that tube for an extensive blood test. I felt so sorry for her, but I held my tears back, kept on talking to her to let her know that soon it would be over.

 

Luckily, the results came back alright, but the question remains why she is as often sick as she is. No idea. The pediatrician still wants to go ahead with giving her 6 weeks of antibiotics to see how her body would react to it. I just have strong doubts on it, so eventually we decided not to go ahead with this.

 

I am writing this not to ask for people's attention on us, but hope to help you inspiring others on how hard sometimes it is for families having an attention demanding child. Give these families some support, even if that is as little as just a hello. Don't be judgmental on their choices, because they are making their choices the best way they can.

 

And for those families who are still in this game, fighting for good health for your little ones. You have no idea how great your hearts are, and I hope soon one day you all can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't underestimate how much love you have in your hearts!

 

I still want to thank those who have been giving me support in this, even if they are just small messages left on Facebook in encouraging us. Thank you!

More steps taken to a more harmonized family (to be continued)

Ever since I have became more open about this to a couple people who have been giving me a lot of inspirations and courage, I have been more conscious of what is going on within myself as well as my family.

Over the years, I have been told by some people I care and love that I am a selfish person. I often ask myself the question why they see me like that. I try to then feed them with what they ask from me so that they won't call me as such. I have always believed in putting a mirror in front of myself, and see what others see. And I do think in general, I like to keep pleasing everyone.

Now stepping out of myself, and looking at how I then function as a mother of two children, and wife of my husband. Maybe I am putting a lot of pressure on them by wanting a perfect family picture. Maybe I am trying to accomplish what I want to (over)-compensate what I have missed out in my childhood and adulthood.

 

After having talked to a friend who is a professional counsellor whom I'm very grateful for having met her, I start to realize that the scars that I have put bandages on over the years myself are not just visibly there, but also have impact on whom I am now. I didn't realize the need to heal those scar tissues is that important to me and to my family. I have always stayed strong, wiped my tears and moved on. I didn't want others to think I'm just feeling all sorry for myself or asking for unnecessary attention. This friend told me that ever since she has met me, she noticed that there are lots of underlying issues, like an onion that needs to be peeled. She wondered why I worried so much about my own parenting skills, when she thought I was doing good. She said it is normal that I don't want to make a big deal out of my own matters, but getting closure and not letting these situations take me back affecting my life today is just as important.


So after a few upcoming busy time, I will start to look for the right help to sort myself out. I know putting this out on Internet means coming forward, and people who know me may read this. It's not easy to admit my having weak spots, but I would like those who may be struggling at home in their own corners to do the same. And for spouse and partners, including my hubby, I would like to ask for your support in this. Without your support, we cannot make this. And when I say support, it is not just giving an extra kiss here and there, but it's about accepting who we are, and forgiving us when we snap just because things are becoming too much.

Steps taken to be back on track...(to be continued)

After my post on trying to find harmony in the family, and sharing it out in public, I was acknowledged by others, valuing my courage to expose my vulnerability. They acknowledged the fact that parenting isn't easy, and that it is OK to share and to learn together. There is no perfect family, but it's how you feel that makes it perfect. I'm happy to see those positive thoughts instead of some competitive comments made at times by friends, or family.

I have been feeling overwhelmed simply by a lot of things that have happened in the past and presence. I don't want my past to haunt me, as I believe we live in the presence, and we should not let our past to influence us too much.

And yes, I don't dare to ask for "me" time, as I feel it would be a selfish thing to ask for. This could be because of my cultural background, and what happened in my first marriage. I often was told being a selfish person though others have told me that I have never been.

Luckily, my husband supports me. Yesterday I texted him to tell him that once Sami has gone to bed, I would like to go out for a run to start exercising again. And we did it! I felt GOOD and luckily it was not raining, so I had a good day to start running, even though it was dark out there.



Sami has not been a great sleeper since birth, and we don't know why apart from thinking it is because of her health. Maybe out of love and protection, my husband doesn't like the idea of getting a babysitter to come into our house to watch the kids. I miss really having date nights or a quiet dinner without kids in a bit more fancy restaurant than a cafe. I miss having girls nights out too. Yet, this is what I've traded in for when I became a mother for the second time.



Yesterday, Julian came home and when I reminded him that he had to study for his history test for today, he was anything but pleased. So I asked him if he wanted to get good grades for it and why he doesn't like studying it. He said it was stupid and useless anyway in the future. I acknowledged his feelings, told him that I also felt the same way and hated it as a child. However, I learned then the older I become, the more useful history is, because it became common sense. And without history, there is no presence. We are making the history each day in fact. After that, he took 15 minutes and managed to finish studying it properly.

After that, I had a short talk with him during dinner. I told him that I love him loads and will always remain loving him. I asked him if he loves me, and he said yes. Then I told him that it upsets me a lot when we end up yelling at each other. I asked him to put his thinking pet on, and if he can come up with ways to stop us yelling at each other. He came up with the idea to make a board sign that says "STOP". Whenever one is about to yell, the other would then use that sign to remind the agreement made. I told him I was proud that he came up with this, and that he could make this on Wednesday when he has the afternoon off from school.

Another trigger I think of that I listed the other day, is his not being prepared for his football training or competition. So I told him that I feel sad to see him being frustrated whenever he needs to look for things at the last minute which gives everyone extra stress. I asked him if he could come up with some suggestions to change that. He thought for a second and told me that maybe he could use a box to put all those things in there. And if they are in the laundry, he would put a note in it to remind himself that. I told him that he can give that a try and see if that works well for him.

After these conversations, I let him to watch a nice movie which I think is also educational for him. He loved it and was thankful for being allowed to watch a movie. I at the same time had time to take care of his little sister without yelling back and forth of what he would need to do.

So all in all, I am glad I've opened up, and let people see what I'm going through. Often I catch myself being so occupied with daily stress that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe it just takes some small adjustment in the way we communicate with our kids, then some changes will take place. I am not expecting a miracle to happen overnight, but I am happy to make a start.

I am a strong believer in peaceful parenting, rather than the traditional way that I was brought up in. My mom used to physically punish me, and that was something normal at the time, so please don't get me wrong, I'm not judging my mom on this. Yet, I do think by overpowering a child would not help them understand what message we are trying to pass to them, and what lesson they should be learning. Yes, in the adult world, there is real punishment in which for some people it works and for others it does not. But let's give our children the room to develop in a positive peaceful way.



To be continued.....

Harmony in the family

I admit we are missing some harmony in the family. Every weekend I wonder if we can go through it without any fights or yelling in the house.

What is happening? It is mostly coming down to issues regarding how to bring up Julian, my son, my hubby's stepson. He is turning 10 in November.



Honestly I cannot tell whether he is a good boy or not, though I do have faith in him, and think he is with a good heart. Just that I have had people criticizing him for not being an easy kid, or for not listening, or for lying, etc. I often comfort myself that it will pass, and it's just a phase. I tell myself as long as I keep loving him, showing him love, it will be OK.

But will it be okay? And these days I question my parenting skills too. I have doubts in myself. I find myself exploding more often than I would like to admit, and I am not proud of it.

Then there is my hubby who struggles with my parenting skills as well as Julian's misbehaviour. He is more traditional than I am, it turns out, even though he was born and raised in the western world. Sometimes the traditional way means regaining control by overpowering Julian with more yelling, threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, and ultimatums. But this to me creates a bigger issue, and all three of us end up all upset.

So I question myself what triggers our explosions in the house? Let me name some of them:

• Not getting up on time for school even though we asked him to go to bed on time and set his alarm.
• Not going to bed on time.
• Not coming home on time from school.
• Not willing to do a few household chores that he should be capable of doing and these chores have always been assigned to him.
• Not having done his home work or prepared his tests for school. Getting him to start is always a big issue.
• Not having got his things ready such as his football training clothing or football game clothing ready, ending up last minute panic. I did remind him each time a day or two in advance.
• Wanting more screen time, such as TV, or computer, or smart phone devices.
• Being slow in things like going under the shower, getting changed or dressed.
• Basically pushing the boundaries over and over again even though we have been strict on these.

Because of these triggers, we end up snapping, instead of being in control of our own feelings, then Julian snaps back. Boom! Our conflict escalates!

I really want to get ourselves back on track, to be more committed as a family to more peaceful and respectful communication. Maybe we need to have some non-judgmental listening, relaxation, and reconnection.

I do realize I must let go of feeling being a single mom of Julian's, since when my hubby is being harsh on Julian, I feel he has no or less unconditional love than what I have with Julian. I blame myself for that. I do certainly know my hubby is doing his best, and he is thrown into parenthood overnight. I cannot make him to feel connected with my son as if Julian was his own son. I feel bad that Julian has some personality from my ex, and that doesn't come down well with my hubby then.

I also want to work on my parenting skills. I feel I have used up my patience when I was with my ex, as I tolerated all things that he did. Now I sometimes feel as if I want to re-gain control. I know I should not do so by being impatient on Julian. Just that when Sami is being demanding during dinner time (such as not eating or throwing all food onto the floor), and one of the above triggers happens, then my switch just snaps! I seriously don't know how I can be less stressed. At times I'm alone and sometimes that's good. At times I get more stressed when knowing my hubby can be even more tough on him than I would do. I don't know how to get my hubby to see more of the goodness in Julian than all the negative things that show in the spotlight.

Of course, when the stress level builds up so high, I should take a break, walk away from the situation and let my grey clouds above my head blow away. Just that often I cannot do so because I am tied up with commitments with both kids. I feel these days trapped as well, since I run from work to home, and from home to work. Yes, luckily, recently Julian started his bi-weekly Chinese class again, so that I do get roughly 2 hours to myself. Even though I have this feeling, I don't dare to demand alone time either as my hubby also is devoting his time from home to work, and from work to home. Plus I'm just physically tired too after a day of marathon with the kids and with work.

My hubby did take a workshop on "How to talk to kids", and he has ordered the books online. However, I think we all struggle too on how to put these in practice. I used to do it better, but now I am struggling more and more.

Parenting is hard work. I am not going to tell my children that I don't make mistakes and that I am always right. I am NOT God. I am not ashamed to admit I don't have it all under control, because I believe by accepting my imperfection, I can then move onto improving myself to become a better me.

So please, if any of you have any good suggestions on how I can make this work, I would be very pleased to know.

Toddler time..... 18 months and 10 days

Here we are... 18 months and 10 days of having Sami in our Family. People who know me or have followed my story know we have done a bit of struggling to get to where we are. We are not at the end of the tunnel concerning Sami's reflux but we are dealing with it in a more skillful way. Now when I see on Facebook messages from someone I don't know about having a reflux baby, I immediately would like to offer some help, simply because I know I've been there. I want to show them my compassion towards them even I don't know them, simply because I know how much that can mean to someone. I know those dark days well, and it is hard to explain to those who haven't been through this or any other challenging moments with a baby.

The one very nice thing I like about Facebook's functionality is its popping up automatically what have been posted in the previous years on the day. It brings back a lot of good memories, and when I see the bad experiences that were posted, then I can tell myself we have made it. I feel grateful for what I have now.

I must say though the turning point for me on really enjoying the time with Sami is her turning 18 months old. I really enjoy my Saturday morning with her, when my hubby brings Julian to play his football match. Sami and I would have breakfast together, and get ready to go out for some groceries shopping. Even though going alone is sometimes tricky with her demanding to get out and walk these days and her screaming in the buggy because she is not allowed to, I still enjoy it.

I find myself being able to enjoy it because I know what toddler can mean. (OK, I may hit myself with a stick later on realizing I actually don't know enough.... but for now, let me enjoy the moment of it.)



Toddler means they understand partially of what you say, and often it's not the part that you want them to understand or they only understand the last word of the sentence you are saying such as "you are not getting anymore cookies" = "COOKIES", or "we will have to get into the car first before we go for a walk" = "WALK". Then they get awfully frustrated at us for not sticking to the promises made. They cry with real tears, and sometimes can go as far as coughing or choking acts from mega crying. I have learned to ignore it when necessary, even it means I need to sing loud in my head to focus on driving, because keeping us safe on the road is more important than pleasing a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Toddler also means they can switch from a screaming kid to a smiling or laughing angel within a second, even with tears still dropping. Those are the moments we must try our best to remember and hang on to, because these are like water in desert. I love the moments like seeing Sami exploring her world upside down between her legs, or Sami talking more and more.

What I've learned from Julian's toddler days is to stay communicative and consistent. Toddlers like things being predictable, and in general, we must tell children at all age anyway of what they can expect happening or what our expectations are within the next coming 10 minutes, or 1 hour, or week, or month, or year. This makes it easier for kids to accept when they have little choices than to accept our decisions.

On the other hand, even toddlers already would like to have choices. I try being clear on what choices are given. I try to let go of some control to limit the drama which we may get in return. Does it really matter to us whether our child wants a green tee or a pink tee? No, so let the child choose, but make sure you do so for example the night before and explain to the child that this is the decision we will stick with the next morning when getting dressed. And when there are occasions that there aren't really a choice, then I would limit it by saying for example "food or sleep".



I remember loving the age of 3 as that was when my son could express himself much better. So I have now one and half year to bite through this stage, but it's still a lot easier than having to deal with health issues.

Dealing with being bullied

The first time I understand the content of bullying was when I became a student in the USA, and a classmate of mine got bullied at senior high school to such an extent that he eventually decided to take his own life. I remember attending his funernal, and some kids who used to bully him apologized but it was in fact too late.

In Hong Kong when I was a kid, what I would consider something close to bullying would be things like not being allowed to play together, and being left out. Maybe generations are different now. Or maybe it is because I was in girls' school. Or maybe because I was in a good school. Or maybe because I was lucky... anyway, I hardly really got to know what bullying really means.

Then after I met my ex, my ex told me that he was bullied being a child, and that could also be the reason why he became a difficult person as an adult. I used to think that was an excuse as I believed everyone's destiny should be in their own hands, and not just be restrainted by their past.

Now with my son of 9 years old growing up, he sometimes comes home telling me he has been bullied. So first I try to understand from him, if it is just teasing, or if it is really bullying. I try to let him explain to me the difference of it, and let him give me the facts. Often what is considered insulting or upsetting is different for different people, time, and places.

My husband, Julian's stepdad, once wrote a letter to school at one of the occasions as Julian was being bullied for his Chinese roots. The school director immediately acted on it, and spoke to the kids involved. Julian was told to talk to the director if it happened again. In between time, he was told by the teacher from his class not to bother the director. And whenever Julian told the teacher he was being bullied, the teacher would just say she would pay attention to it.

Sometimes I asked myself if I ever felt being bullied after I joined the western world. And yes, indeed, I could say yes to it. I had kids pulling their eyes apart, laughing at me about my being Chinese. I had kids laughing at the shape of my face. I had classmates from the university laughing at my being small/ short. I had co-workers laughing at my not being able to pronouce my Dutch properly. All these at times bothered me, and my mom didn't tell me what to do, as I was told by others also that I should believe in myself. I have my inner beauty, and I know that by working hard myself, I will have a higer chance of getting where I want to be.

Maybe boys react differently than girls. Maybe the generations are different than mine back then.

Recently, my son did something wrong to a classmate who bullied him. My son was jealous of that kid, plus he felt he didn't fit into a small number of boys in his class if he couldn't get along with the bullying boy. He wrote an apology letter and the last line of the letter caught my eye. He wrote, "please don't beat me up." I asked him about it a few days later after the event, and he said he didn't get beat by the bullying kid luckily, but he wasn't sure if he would be beat up by the brother of that kid.

Then this weekend, my son stormed into the living room emotionally after having played outside for a short bit. I asked him what happened, and he told me that kid was again being mean to him, and so as the elder brother of his. I calmed him down, and asked him to stay in with me for a while. He went on watching the tv, while I was cooking dinner. We got interrupted by those kids ringing the doorbell several times and running away.  My husband warned them once through the intercom, but they continued by kicking their football against the wall of our house.

I decided that was the moment to take action. Certainly their first reaction was to run away, but one ran too slow, so I got to ask them to come in eventually and we would have a talk. Luckily these kids are still a bit afraid of adults, so they obediently sat down. I started the chat with telling them that it was not very nice of them of what they were doing on that day. My hubby joined us explaining to these kids with Julian together on what bullying is about, and the line between teasing and bullying is very thin.

Hopefully that would be more helpful than getting the school involved. And that Julian will also learn how to deal with this in the future. Julian used to think that he got bullied because he is half Chinese. He was surprised to hear from me that I could also be laughed at for my appearance in Asia.


This beatle is a Dutch logo for anti-bullying (pesten) at school.

Living Now

Recently an insurance company made a small video based on a true story, and that is just touching everyone's heart, and I want to share it with you all. Also, because I used to bike a lot, and even though it was my husband who had Julian at the back in that same bike carrier, it does catch my attention.



In Hong Kong, it's hard for most of the people to get holidays since their number of vacation days at work is very limited. Many work hard to make sure they have enough money to pay the bills.

This father, who has spent time with other kids at his school decided now it's time for him to spend time with his daughter who is about to start school. He left his wife and the little son at home, and took his bike with the bike carrier along to Taiwan with his daughter to go for a bike-tour in Taiwan. He wanted to have these 11 days with her alone, as he realized time won't wait for him. He wanted to show her how much he loves her.

During this movie, there are quite many touching moments. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't have yet English subtitles. I will just put some highlighted points here to give you a feel of what it is about.

The little girl had to learn to say her own name in a different language (Manadarin, since she is used to only speak in Cantones), and after a few times, she managed.

During the tour, she complained wanting to take the seatbelt off, but daddy told her it was for her own safety and she must keep it on. And she complained more and more when daddy was biking up the hill during a heavy rain shower. Eventually daddy fell and hurt himself a bit. At that moment, they both were upset. She refused to eat even daddy asked her to a few times. When they continued the journey, she asked daddy if they could just go home. That made him doubted his decision. Luckily, she asked daddy if it still hurt, which really was the cure to the wound.

They walked passed an old dog, and she asked if daddy would grow old one day as she won't want that to happen. He told her he won't and they chased each other.

When they slept in a tent, she asked him if he would be with her tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after....and after... Daddy promised her he will be there for her everyday.

One day after they checked into a hotel, and she was stepping out after a long shower, daddy noticed her bruised neck caused by the seatbelt. That hurt daddy more than it probably hurt the girl, and he promised her he would fix it right away the next day. She decided to make her dad feel better by saying a song, "twinkle twinkle little star" with special lyrics

Twinkle twinkle little star
He he ha ha, happy smile
Daddy loves little girl the most
Day day Hug Hug Kiss and Kiss
Twinkle twinkle little star
Every night night kiss baby

Even though it's filmed by an insurance company, there was an interview made with the real dad, daughter and mom. You can really feel how much love there is, and how true the story is.

Sure enough, we all love our children. And one thing from the interview that I watched reminded me the fact that all families are not perfect. The dad said during the 11 days, both himself and the daughter threw temper at each other. Yet at the end of the day, they love each other the most. I think it is ok for us to be imperfect, but it is important to show how much we love each other.

A letter to my hubby

After having written a letter to my kids, when driving to work, sometimes I wonder what if something were to happen to me on that day, I would regret not having said something to someone.

I then thought of my hubby, and certainly from my second marriage. Talking about that, my boss who also once divorced and remarried asked me during her visit in the Netherlands last week whether I appreciate my 2nd marriage more, like she does with hers. I said definitely without a doubt.

Not only because my first husband and I separated for painful reasons, but also because my hubby's love towards me has been so big that he accepted my being imperfect! He has been tossed into parenthood when my son was 6 years old. My son is not the most easy-going child, and possibly partially it is because he has got his father's genes, and mostly because of what he has been put through.



So here I am, dear hubby,

I know the last 2 years, your life seems to have got onto a rollercoaster without the chance of being able to stop for a minute to take a breath. First it was my pregnancy complications, and then it was Sami's health issues plus my postnatal mental state. A lot of focus has been on Sami, and me, but not you.

Most women complain about not being able to go out for a girls' night, but that is because their men are spending their men's night out there. Well, with us, you always do your best to be home right after work to be with us. Sometimes I do long for a girls' night or a date night with you, but I feel in a way guilty to be wanting that seeing you are always there for us.

I remember people have asked me when we met if I was seeing you as a rescue boat after I came out of my divorce. I asked myself many times that question, and I knew each time that I saw you more like my first love. I learned how much love I can have from someone who actually loves me that much. Before this, I lost myself in trying to please my ex by changing myself while nowadays, I may change myself, but it's more for myself.

I love you even more because I notice even though I have added some extra kilo's, you still say I'm beautiful because you love me. You are not just saying it to please me, but you do mean it.

We do have fights, but we have good fights. Yes, it takes time for every couple to learn living with each other's strength and weaknesses. Productive fights are necessary in a relationship, as we then grow together as a couple.

Sometimes I wish you and I had met 20 years ago, so that you could have the patient me, the gentle me, the funny me.... now I'm older, maybe a bit wiser, but less patient, less gentle, and less funny, simply because I have used those up. My first marriage drained that out of me, and at times I am terrified that you would leave me and my son with our daughter.

When these negative thoughts crawl all over me, I then remind myself that I'm now more mature. I stand up for myself much better than I used to. Love is not always perfect. It isn't a fairytale. And it does not always come easy, and when it does come easy, it doesn't stay easy. It's about overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It's a short word, easy to spell, difficult to describe, and impossible to go without. Love is hard work, but it is worthy to realize every moment of it, we are doing this together.



Anyway, if one day I have to leave this world, I would want you to know that I love you to the moon and back. Our daughter and son, and you are my everything. I can give up everything that I have, just to have you all. You have said to me that I am a strong woman, and that I can live without a man perfectly well. Yes, if I have to, I can, but definitely my world won't be the same without you. Thank you for loving me, and I love you!

Your wife

A letter to my kids

Dear Son,

Mommy had always wished to provide you a happy flawless childhood, and mommy still does. Mommy wished mommy never had to put you through what you'd to go through, mommy and daddy separating, knowing your daddy having hurt your mommy, losing your home, going from spending a night at granny's to forever not returning to the same home again with mommy. Not having a home for a few months before mommy managed to get ourselves our own place. Having to switch schools twice, and being split into two families. Sometimes you may feel you need to take sides, but that is not what mommy has intended to do. Mommy believes to provide you a safe happy environment to grow up, mommy needed to make those tough decisions which we could not unwind. Mommy hopes that you will learn one day at times, people have to make tough decisions and we just have to make the best out of it.

Mommy is grateful to see you handling it all, even though you at times struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mommy knows it's hard for you having your daddy so far away, since he moved to out of the country for his future. Mommy tries not to be judgemental, and respects your love towards your daddy.

Mommy is proud of how well you have accepted your stepfather being part of our lives. You told your teacher at school how happy you were to see mommy being happy again. I know it's not easy, as your stepfather is very different from your daddy, but I hope you do feel the love we all are trying to provide you.

Mommy appreciates how much you love your little sister, though she is officially your half sister. You love her probably more than you love mommy. You learned to accept mommy having less time for you, as you understood mommy used to give you the same time and patience when you were little. You do your best to keep your sister happy even when she cries. You help mommy a lot too to take care of her, whether it is handing me things, or watching her while mommy cooks.

You may feel mommy being tough on you at times, but this is just to help teaching you being a decent and responsible person. Mommy wants to see you doing your best, as you are one intelligent shining star, and I know you can achieve so much in life. Mommy wants to see your making the most out of your intelligence. Mommy doesn't need you to be famous and rich, but Mommy wants to see you having tried your best, being honest and decent!

Mommy can see how much you do love mommy. Little things you do, hugs and kisses you give to mommy, Mommy can see and feel that. Mommy won't tell you how you should love mommy back, because mommy can already feel it. Mommy wants you to know that no matter what happens later on in life, mommy's door is always open for you. Mommy would be so proud of you when seeing you spreading your wings and flying to the big world out there when you're ready.

In the meantime, just remember how much mommy loves you!

Your mommy....

Dear daughter,

Mama wished you could be born via natural birth, instead of a C-section, so that mama had more energy taking care of you, just that mama couldn't change the nature. Mama wished you won't have to go through all those medical issues you'd gone through during your first year. Your being hospitalized for 6 times in six months, being in an emergency room, plenty of times in the urgent care, plus being operated twice are things that only mama and papa would remember, and luckily you won't. No parents want to see their kids suffer, no matter how serious the illness is. Parents wish to take any pain or discomfort from you and have it on themselves than seeing their kids suffer.

Mama is so grateful to see the big smiles you carry on your face, and how proud you are whenever you manage to do something on your own. It can be as little as getting yourself to seat on a chair.

Mama is very proud of your exploring your world. You would carefully first observe what is happening before you engage yourself into it. The Dutch would call it as "a cat watching from a tree". Even though you are little, you are not afraid to show your true nature. Mama does not have to worry about your being teased by other kids, as you clearly let people know when you are not pleased. Mama hopes you would learn to be more subtle on this in the future when you grow older, but for now, it's ok.

Mama appreciates how much you love your big brother, how you look up to him. When mama gets into rough playing on your brother, you assume he is getting hurt, so you would try to object and stop mama.

You may feel mama sometimes having lost patience on you when you get mama out of bed 5 times at night or when you refuse to eat. Mama just wants to make sure you are growing ok, and mama does realize this will pass. Mama doesn't need you to be one chubby baby/ toddler, but just being healthy is good enough. Mama apologizes when she loses her patience simply because of stress and tiredness.

Mama can see how much you do love mama. Little things you do, your grabbing mama putting your arms around mama, patting mama on mama's back, your needing mama. Mama can see and feel that. Mama won't tell you how you should love mama back, because mama can already feel it. Mama wants you to know that no matter what happens later on in life, mama's door is always open for you. Mama would be so proud of you when seeing you spreading your wings and flying to the big world out there when you're ready.

In the meantime, just remember how much mama loves you!

Your mama....

Parenting guilt

Gosh, where do I start?! These days it is almost impossible to live without feeling guilty while you should not be!

I have felt awfuly guilty for having put my son into a divorced family as I left his father after having put up with a 12 years unfaithful relationship with his father and occasional physical abuse. At the moment of having Julian in my belly, I only dreamt of having a perfect family picture.

I have felt guilty for having my son learning to accept having a stepfather around who is strict on him, but from words Julian says from time to time, I know Julian cares and loves my hubby still.

I have felt guilty for not being a full time mom for my kids, but I know I would be a much more of a horrible mom if I were to be staying home. I am just no good at it.

I have felt guilty for not having enough time for my son when my daughter who is now only 17 months old drains my battery, and patience, drags me out muliple times at night, and had been a child that had a medical condition. Luckily though she is still on medication, she is doing much better.

Everyday I get up and I get going, staying strong for my loves ones. Just that what is hard is when I'm being criticized on my parenting skills.

I hate being told I don't spend enough time with my kids, when I don't even have time to go doing sports or go out on my own. At times they hear things from my son, and draw their conclusions. Not that I am saying my son lies, but you would expect adults would be able to think of the other end of the story. My son says I don't have time when he wants to go to the cinema as often as he wishes, but I tell him that it's not handy to bring his 17 months old sister into the cinema. I do bring him occasionally to a movie when we have time off and his sister is in the daycare.

People don't think about my rushing from work to home, and go for a marathron routine of getting dinner ready, picking up kids, getting them fed, washed, playing with them, and getting them to bed. Once they are off to bed, I still need to clean up the mess, catch up on some work occasionally, and have a break of an hour or two before I go to bed.

Lately, I have got my son pulled out of the daycare, and let my son come home straight from school. I head home in a rush to try being there on time. I then let him sit down, talk about his day, or do his chores, while I prepare dinner. We head out together again to pick up his sister. He is a great helper, and I'm grateful for that. With my son being in Group 6 this year (one of his last 3 years before heading to high school), I also help him with his homework. I print out extra workout for him to work on.

So why do I still feel guilty? Why do I still feel awful when people say those things to me? Why do those people have so much say in how I bring my children up?



I have heard these criticisms from people around me who know me, or don't know me. I guess reason for being overwhelmed by the guilts people put onto your shoulders is because I love my kids more than myself or anyone else. I don't want to have done any part of the parenting path wrong, though I also know I make mistakes as any other human being. I let people talk me into feeling guilty because some of these people actually matter in my life. I would like to believe that those people understand how my life is, and why I've chosen the parenting path that I am on.