Process of letting go

Yesterday, I read an article written by a friend who is fighting cancer at the moment. It's about what she would like others who have friends dealing with illness or difficulties to pay attention to. I think not only it's applicable for people with friends who have illness or difficulties, but in general, everyone should also think about it, and I'm sure many of us can relate some part of this.

This is the link to her article. https://dayone.me/175azVX

Many of us deal with certain struggles in life. I know mine is not worse than others and therefore shouldn't deserve much of attention. All I want to say to people is that you don't always know what is happening behind everyone's door that is closed at times. So before making any judgements/ comments that you can make within seconds, yet can create misunderstanding, loss of friendships (not just between you and that person, but if you end up telling others of your comments without verifying the situation, you can also put friendships that person has with others down into the drain.), sadness, etc.

Certainly many friendships won't last forever which I naively thought could happen as a child. It's not even about how much you give. When you're not the type of person who demand specific reciprocity from a relationship, you may find yourself having to learn letting go.

Over the last couple years, I've to deal with learning to let go more often, so I then ask myself if it's something that I've done wrong.

During my 12 years of relationship (including 9 years of marriage with my ex-husband), I hardly told anyone the physical abuse I went through, nor did I tell anyone the numbers of affairs my ex had. I couldn't proof some of them, and the first time I could and that he admitted, happened when Julian was only 6 months old. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own feet and walk out of his life. So we went through marriage counseling and that helped briefly. All these I kept to myself as I felt ashamed of it until when my ex-husband had his last affair during our relationship with our nanny in our house when I was home. I still remember that night my pretending not knowing, and after one sleepless night, my coming to the decision of leaving him. Certainly when he eventually was told I was leaving him, he used his fist again. Luckily I planned ahead and had my son elsewhere to avoid him witnessing that. This time I put charges against him with the police. There were two police vans that night in front of the house. Never ever again I would want to be in the same situation again.

No doubt, I did have a lot of friends helping me out during that tough people, and I'm truly grateful for! I don't know how to thank them more than I already had. Just that it's sad to see some of those who did offer help expected certain reciprocity that I didn't fulfill giving, and they even spread rumors about my being a selfish person, only taking advantage of others.

Also, shortly after the separation/ divorce, I met my current loving husband. Many people don't understand and make their own judgement and conclusions of my not being a loving mother for my son, or of my being a slut going for another man already in such a short while. What people don't know is what I'd been through during those 12 years without real love and respect from my ex. Even my ex-mother-in-law said I was like a doormat to my ex, who kept on stepping all over me. So how wrong is it that when I finally met someone who would take me as the way I am, love me and my son without conditions.

When my husband and I feel we are the "ONES" to each other, and as he would love to have kid(s), seeing I'm not getting any younger, so we decided to go for a baby not knowing how long it could take. Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quick though after having gone through a miscarriage. (Yes, not everyone knows this too!) And this pregnancy was one stressful one with a lot of medical concerns.

Then there came Sami. The recovery path on the C-section took quite long, and then I was hit by Sami's reflux, something I knew nothing about before having Sami. When I talk about reflux, I often get people replying saying theirs spit up too. Well, in Sami's case, that's not really the matter. She has silent reflux, and in those bad days, I had to hold her up straight without her choking and turning blue. And I'm not even mentioning the crying she had done back then. I struggled a lot and depression hit me.

All these hardships are gradually behind me, though I still get other challenges hitting me from time to time, like my ex or Sami being ill and so. And I'm writing this not because I'm asking for sympathy, and definitely not asking people to really understand me. I'm just asking people to start thinking when they make judgements/ gossips/ comments of other people, first ask yourself if you already know the situation well enough to say those things you plan to say.

These days Sami still may wake us up 3-10 times at night. Probably in the past, when someone would tell me this, I might end up thinking that person might have been just spoiling their babies. Well, now I definitely think differently. We have pretty much tried everything or every trick. We sometimes also feed her at night, because getting at least a stretch of 4-5 hours sleep is very crucial for my sanity.

Also, like my friend said, when you have friends who are going thru some tough times, and you don't know how to react to show you still care, just do a whatsapp, a Facebook message or whatever, by starting with "how are you?" "is there anything I can do to help you?", "shall I drop by?", "can I give you a hand with anything?". Don't stay quiet and hope all will go away.

During the last couple years, I'm glad even though I've to learn letting go of some friendships that I cherished a lot, I have come across some new friendships. I've had people who offered to help without even knowing me well, coming by my house to chat. Thank you those who have been there for me!

Tough weeks behind

Since last post made on Sept 17th, a lot seems to have happened, including a horrendous weekend. We struggled getting Sami fed, as she would end up taking only 300-450 cc of milk (10-15 oz) per day, and got very unsettled at night. She didn't enjoy her solid food as much either. So eventually we found out she was having bronchitis, so we got antibiotics from the GP, in which the pediatrician at the hospital wasn't too fond of. After 3 days on antibiotics, her lungs are clear again, and she started to improve 2-3 days after we stopped the medication.

Sami was hospitalized then for the 6th time on October 2nd, since we were at our wits end, and I could not handle it anymore. Actually during the weekend of Sept 27th, when my hubby had to leave us alone at home due to home-moving, I really was at my worst state. I hated feeding times, and it was impossible to hold Sami properly during feeding since she would arch back so much that it was hard not to let her fall. I was in tears, and yet I couldn't get any help. My hubby and I had more fights, and then we made up, realizing that this is all due to the stress we are having.

I am glad however that I've kept in touch with one of our "kraamzorgster" (someone who took care of us at home for a few days right after coming home from Sami's arrival), who has been great. She texts me often, checking how things are. She shows a lot of understanding which I can't always get from everyone. She introduced me to "Babyhuis" which I didn't know about, a place where they will assist moms and dads with their babies if they are in trouble. They will take the babies in and help you to regain your confidence and pick things up again on your own. Though eventually we didn't go there as Sami got hospitalized, I feel relieved to know I've still have help and hope as I didn't feel so in those dark moments I went through.

What is tough with having a reflux baby is that not everyone can understand what you're going through. People may think you're exaggerating, overreacting, over-demanding, and that you should accept life as it is for having a baby. I thought at times that these people were right, and that I shouldn't fuss at all. I also lost hope in getting help from people or from the medical experts. All I could do was praying, and even that I was losing my faith. Having a reflux baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to handle. Not only how to handle her, but also how to fit that into our lives.

I feel awfully guilty when I've less patience and time for my son, Julian. He has been real sweet and understanding, but he is still a child of 9 years old. He still needs me. This week with Sami being in the hospital, we even had to ask Julian to do his homework on a folded table in the hospital, and had dinner much later than usual. He said he would tell his little sister in the future to love me more because of all the effort I've put in now with her feeding issues.



Next to that, I have a job that I love, a job that I must keep to pay our bills, a full-time job that others may not understand why I am keeping. In Holland, most moms either stay home or work part-time. With my job, it's not close to impossible to do it part-time, so luckily in a way, I can have a certain flexibility, and I've a very understanding boss.

Due to my struggles in this, I sometimes ask my hubby if he regrets having me as his wife, as his daughter's mom. Luckily, so far, he hasn't got regrets yet. One thing we both agree to though is that we won't be having another baby for sure. I admire moms who can handle having another baby after a reflux baby. Or even having twins reflux babies. I really don't know how they do that.

Today Sami is being released from the hospital. The pediatricians asked me to come in to have a talk as my hubby was there already since he took days off during this time. We sat down, and I told them my concerns of having all these major ups and downs with her feeding issues caused by the reflux. According to them, the reflux should be under control, and that she will grow out of it (yes...we have heard that many times)... They said she is growing well, and has enough reserve to go by if she doesn't drink well for a few days. They claimed her bronchitis came from a cold and not what we thought from the reflux. Anyway, we aren't doctors, so we can't win that discussion there.

Since they only had her when the horrendous days passed, so it's hard for them to see the bad days but only saw the improvements. They asked me if I had enjoyed the time with my LG, so I told them I've had many days that I really don't. I hated feeding times, and wish I could just stick a pill in for her to live on.

Now they have signed us up for their "eating group" where we get support not only from speech pathologist, dietician, but also children psychologist who can also help the moms dealing with emotions when caring a baby isn't as simple. They were afraid I would take it offended, but I didn't and told them I am open for any help, if only it's to make us a happy family.

I know we will have a long path to go and I'm really hoping this is another new start. They have asked me to try staying positive, and not thinking negatively. I told them it's hard when you've gone thru 6 months of non-stop feeding issues and so. And it's even harder when you're told to lower your expectations when you're the one who gets out of bed 5-6 times per night, and the next day you still have a full-time job to go to!

We do know that in comparing her case to other cases what you see in a hospital, she is very healthy then. I have heard from friends who had seen some mothers having to say goodbye to their babies in the hospital for good. I guess then I must feel very lucky that Sami is a happy baby in general if she is not bothered by the reflux, teething, or so.

Sami now being 6 months old, has not only been able to roll over from back to belly, but now also being able to go back from belly to back. She would keep rolling over now when you put her down, unless you tug the extra piece of her sleeping bag under the mattress, and tug her tightly in with a blanket.

Yesterday for the first time, the hospital also skipped her 11:30 pm bottle, and she did sleep till this morning when they had to wake her up for her 1st bottle. Let's hope we can keep doing so then. I kept giving her that bottle since she was drinking not much and thinking that at least that would help to add the intake up. Now that she is taking more food in, maybe we can try going without. Who knows, maybe she will take more during the day too.

She not only likes eating parsnips, but also broccoli, spinach, and green beans. Hope she will enjoy food as much as I do :-) 

She has learned recently to put her own dummy back into her mouth by having played with it constantly, pulling it out of her mouth and back in... It's cute to see!





In 2-3 weeks time, we will be going on a small vacation together as a family, and a very good friend of mine will be joining us as well. I look forward to it!!! I can't wait to see how she would react when being put into the swimming pool, as I remember how much Julian loved it, and started swimming when he was 7 months old. Sami would be 7 months old then too! 

5 months and 24 days....

I used to think Murphy's Law should be used only on negative people, but I'm starting to think Murphy's Law can often be applied on life with a baby. On my last blog post dated on August 27th, we thought we had found the last puzzle piece, guess what, we were wrong.

The Enfamil AR that we thought was the answer to the equation got us to our lowest point in terms of the amount of milk Sami drank. She went from roughly a daily in-take of 600-700 cc (20-23 oz) down to 400 cc (13 oz). She was very constipated, and we tried all the natural methods to help her, including extra water, prune juice, olive oil, massage, legs exercises, etc. None of them worked. We called the hospital asking for advice, but we got sent away. We had to go to the consultatiebureau (health center), and they didn't have much to tell apart from what we already knew, plus suggesting us to mix the Enfamil with normal formula. We also visited our GP and he didn't prescribe anything either, so we bought off the counter laxative drink for her but as we didn't dare to give the full dosage, so that didn't help right away until we increased the dosage. Only after a week and my "panic" call to the hospital, the pediatrician who prescribed her this formula gave us another medication. However, as we put the medication in her milk bottle, it was hard to give it to her when she refused the bottle. Eventually one day, I just switched her back to the normal formula, where she drank again from.

We went back to our GP again, and this time the GP listened to me better, as I was at my wit end, and just couldn't take much anymore. Sami was waking 3-5 times up each night, simply because she was hungry I believe. Yet, I didn't dare to go feeding her as I was afraid that she would get a habit out of it. We decided then to put her back on Nexium, the medication she was first on when she was 6 weeks old. Just that this time, it was with a lower dosage.

After we started the medication, things started to improve. We also started to put thickener in her formula, and we just thought things finally were settling down, as she even had once a daily in-take of 900 cc (30 oz), which was amazing! We added solid food as well in her menu, and some things she loves and some less. She loves parsnips, pumpkin with sweet potatoes, and bread. She doesn't like peer nor yogurt that much. I find it challenging to come up with "safe" food for her reflux, since the last thing I want to do is giving her some solid food that would make the reflux worse.

Then I did one thing that I regret terribly. I tossed her old nipples (teats) for her bottle into the bin and replaced with new ones but the same size as the old ones were getting old. I never realized until it was too late that the new ones could be too hard while the old ones were so worn but were what she was used to. So the first bottle after I replaced them took about an hour for her to drink from. It was plain horrible, as she started to get frustrated so did I. We adjusted the amount of thickener, but that only made the reflux worse.

Luckily, after having shared my story out there, some moms suggested me to cook the new nipples longer to make them softer, plus making the hole somewhat bigger by using a needle that that had been heated under fire. So I did those, and yes, I cooked those nipples for an hour just to make sure! That did help, just that we couldn't find the right amount of thickener that fits into the equation anymore.

I decided to just buy the formula that has got the thickener in it, which means at least I know the amount is then consistent. Anyway, I started doing so yesterday, and yes she drank slower, but at least she seemed to be happy and finished her bottle mostly. She had again 925cc (32 oz), which broke her record. She also ate parsnips that I freshly made for her.

She still wakes up at night, but at least it's no longer 5 times per night, it's ranging from 0 times to 2-3 times each night. What I've learned is accepting to get up for her each night, then I find myself feeling less frustrated. Also even though all books and sites on sleep training tell you not to go to her immediately at night when they wake up to train them self-smooth back to sleep, I just can't stand myself being all awake waiting for her to go back to sleep which doesn't often happen, as she would often whine even more or cries. And yes, we put her to bed when she is drowsy but still awake, so she CAN fall asleep on her own. So I just walk to her when she cries at night, and put the dummy back into her mouth. She will then 9 times out of 10 go back to sleep. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but it's definitely something I do to keep some sanity in me.

These days, she still fusses over the first and last bottle of the day. My hubby struggles with the first, and I struggle with the last. Probably with the constant lack of sleep, everyday at around 9, I'm just exhausted after having finished feeding her, sterilizing her bottles and so, getting her bag packed for the daycare, etc. Often I just fall asleep on the couch with my hubby lying next to me watching TV. Sami often then wakes up at around 10-ish crying a bit, not sure why she does that, but the dummy works well so far. I hate having to feed her midnight bottle, as I'm half asleep when I've to get up to feed her. Once I finish feeding her, I would most of the time be too awake to go back to sleep.

Anyway, I guess these all will be behind us in a year time, replaced by other issues. I really hope that reflux is something that will make us all stronger, and that the rest of the things would seem easier by putting things in perspective.

Luckily, we do have enjoyable moments. Apart from the feeding issue and sleep deprivation, I do enjoy seeing Sami developing. She is getting a hang of rolling over. She loves chatting, and laughing. So far we don't have the crying "happy hour" with her, while I used to have that with Julian.





Julian has also been helping out as much as he can, though it takes some effort and time for me to get him into the right mood and attitude. It took him some time to get used having to do homework, household chores, going to bed and getting ready for school on time after the summer vacation. This year he starts having homework also from his normal Dutch school, and I think it's good that he is taking those seriously. I also have to get used to having to help him more with his Chinese homework, since in the past, our Chinese nanny used to help him with that, and now we don't have any nanny for him, I've to help him with it.



I also try getting Julian to be more independent by involving him more in helping us out, like helping out in the kitchen. He does now some preparation work for me, or simple cooking, like cooking the rice. Hopefully that will help him in the future.

It takes time for all of us getting used to things that may keep changing. I try also be more relaxed and calm about things though at times that is real hard. Sometimes I do look at friends I know, and see from their Facebook photo album how things change, how their kids grow, then I know soon our struggles will be less, and we will be rewarded by more pleasant enjoyable time with the hard work we are putting in now.

We found the last puzzle piece?

Instead of just telling everyone how I have been struggling with Sami's silent reflux and feeding issues, let me put something positive now on here.




Last Friday, I called the pediatrician as I was at my wit end on how to handle her silent reflux, which causes feeding issues as well as sleep deprivation. He then prescribed us this formula which is "anti-reflux". What it does is that when the milk gets to her stomach, it will use the stomach acid that she has got, and the milk will be thickened in her stomach to avoid spitting up. It's advised not to use any medication and sometimes it's used to wean off the medication for some cases. Now in our case, the pediatrician also agreed that it may not be wise to try another medicine since we had tried 3 and she only got more miserable from them. Unfortunately, the pharmacy in our village didn't have it in stock, so we had to wait till Monday.

On Monday, Sami refused to the bottle at the daycare, so they fed her porridge by mixing her milk with rice cereal, as a desperate measure so that at least she had eaten something. So on Monday after work, I immediately rushed to pick this up. We started giving it to her on Monday evening after her bath. She took the whole bottle without fussing. I didn't dare to declare victory just yet, and the midnight bottle didn't go as well as the previous one. She fussed and it could be because she was woken up by us and we also noticed that the milk is still somewhat thicker than the normal formula she had. So down to trying out which size of teat she would need then.

On Tuesday morning, she took the bottle very well from Papa which was uncommon. Papa tried also using Stand III instead of Stand II, which is slight bigger, and she pretty much finished her bottle. At the daycare, she also took her bottles again.

Today is Wednesday, and she even took 180cc in without fussing at all in the morning while normally her morning bottle had always been a battle. And when she burps, she only has a normal small burp, unlike those major loud burps which you would expect from an adult man after their beer or so. Probably because of the milk staying in her stomach, so when she burps, she doesn't get the stomach acid coming back up which was painful to her in the past. After her bottle, she was chatting and laughing happily. Yes, I've actually got a happy camper in the house again!!!!



To a lot of reflux babies' mommies, we often feel depressed when our babies don't eat or don't sleep, or don't do both of these essential things. Our mood is always depending on how much our little ones has drank, or how often we have to get up at night. I know it's crazy, but we can't help that.

We sometimes even joke about putting our babies on ebay, marktplaats (in Holland), or any other selling stuff sites, to rent out or lease our babies. And those people who rent them can bring our babies back when they are reflux-free!

During the last few months, I've got to know quite a few moms around the globe who are dealing with similar issues as we are. And it's really amazing how much we understand each other even when we share thoughts that may sound so alien to others including moms with babies without reflux. Even though we cannot always help each other, but the understanding already makes a world of difference.

Again, I want to thank those who have been sending their love and care to us during this tough period, especially those who even offered to help. This means a lot to us! Now let's hope the peace stays with us, so that we can enjoy our family time more.

Coming Friday, Sami will be going to our trustful nanny for two nights stay-over. Yes, I'm so darn lucky to have such nanny. I will then spend some time with Julian, as I hardly spent time with him during this summer vacation, and Friday will be his last day of vacation. I asked him what he would like to do, and he asked to go for a movie, so we will do that then. My hubby is looking forward to getting a relaxation massage, so let's also have that done. And on Saturday, we will go out for dinner with my family as it's my dad's birthday. Some people may not agree with me not bringing our little girl out as well, but it's just no fun to her to stay out late. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, and it's not because I won't have Sami with me, but it's because we can take a mini-break while I know Sami will be in good hands plus her getting better gives me a good feeling about this. 

As a reflux baby's parent.....

I've read the other day somewhere of these top things not to say to a reflux parent, and it's so darn true!!!!

Quoted from top-20-things-not-to-say-to-a-reflux-parent

1. All babies cry you know.
2. All babies vomit you know.
3. Is this your first?
4. He’s feeding off your stress.
5. But she seems so happy.
6. Oh my baby used to vomit all the time too!
7. But he’s a healthy weight?
8. Don’t worry! They grow out of it.
9. You need to stop breastfeeding  / have you tried formula?
10. He’s just got colic.
11. She’ll eat if she’s hungry.
12. He doesn’t vomit so it can’t be reflux.
13. Sleep when baby sleeps (not helpful when baby doesn’t sleep).
14. Don’t let your child rule your life – they need to fit into your schedule.
15. Send him to me. I’ll sort him out.
16. Stop spoiling her.
17. You’re over-reacting. Just relax.
18. He just needs more cuddles.
19. She doesn’t look sick.
20. Screaming is good for their lungs.

What more can I think of?

1. Don't pay attention to how much she drinks as you will stress her out.
2. She looks chubby enough, so she doesn't look like she has feeding issues.
3. Lower your expectations on how much she drinks. 
4. She just doesn't need that much feeding like other babies.
5. Let her cry it out, don't spoil her as she will get used to having the attention.
6. Did you try using a different bottle or a different teat? 
7. Maybe you should restart breastfeeding? 
8. Maybe you need to work less and spend more time to take care of her yourself.
9. Just start her on solid food and she will be fine.
10. Before you know it, she is a grown up. Time will fly by. (Try telling that when I'm getting up at night walking over to her when she cries for only the 3rd/ 4th time that night. Or when I'm struggling with feeding her.)
11. Stick to the routine.
12. Don't stick to the routine, and feed her when she wants it. 
13. Feed her smaller bottles.
14. Try less hard.
15. Relax. ( How can you relax when you've been dealing with this for months?!)
16. Oh she doesn't really split up or throw up, so what's the problem?

We are also considering getting Sami a nanny (either her going to the nanny's house or having the nanny over). Initially my hubby is very reluctant to even think about having a nanny, because of the poor experience we have had in the past with my son. However, I kept on reminding him of the good experiences I also had and have! Unfortunately the wonderful nanny Julian had before isn't living around the block, so it's just logistically not possible to have her taking Sami in a long run. She is wonderful and sweet enough to help me out from time to time, so that I can have my break in between to catch up on some sanity.



Right now at the daycare, because of their having numerous of staff with other kids needing attention as well, Sami's feeding issue becomes more challenging there and her sleeping pattern is heavily impacted. Also, you can tell one personnel there ten times of the points you need to pay attention to when taking care of a silent reflux baby, but the next thing you know, it's another person taking care of her that day. Or they just get bored with having to read the instructions you put down, so that won't help Sami. A daycare is basically good for kids to start learning to socialize but at Sami's age, all she does when she is awake is sitting in a bouncer seat watching other kids running around. I bet that can be also tiring, if I imagine myself sitting in the crowd watching them running around and making all sort of noises.

However, finding a proper nanny who is willing to take a reflux baby, and who is experienced enough, plus affordable to us is one major task. I remind myself to be patient on this, as I guess we need to also bump into such person like we did with the great nanny I've met for Julian at the time.

Again, this is the support we as parents with reflux babies miss. Our lives definitely need to keep on going, including our jobs, our attention for my son, household, etc. Yet, without proper support, it can create such a big stress on our shoulder. I know there are a lot more serious and life threatening illnesses out there which need more awareness and support. However, what I don't quite get is in such a modern advanced medical world, how come no one seems to be able to give a solution that can help our daughter to feel better?! Even with certain medical staff, they have no idea what reflux really means!

5 months

For those who have been following my Facebook or my blog will know that we are still struggling with Sami's silent reflux and feeding issues. Probably people are getting bored with my mentioning this over and over again, or repeating how much sleep I'm missing, how much Sami isn't drinking, etc. To be honest, I'm tired of that too, but I've no other choice than to keep looking for ways to make her life and ours eventually easier.

I really hope somehow I will be able to help other parents in the future on raising awareness in the society on baby reflux issues. Yes, reflux won't kill a child! Yet, it kind of kills the bonding time between the mom and the child, as feeding should be the time that is most wonderful thing a mother can do with the baby in the first months of the baby's life. Instead, often we are battling in trying to feed our babies, since we can't afford the idea of our babies starving. No matter how much patience one has, eventually when struggling with lack of sleep and feeding issues along with the crying, you will lose it at a certain point.

I have found myself going from losing it all to losing it for a few seconds, and then calming myself down by talking to my little baby. It's tough really, as when a little creature is arching herself, or getting real mad, you really almost want to fight back but you know you can't. I think most of the parents who have dealt with reflux will fully understand what I mean by this.

I have had evil crazy thoughts which I am ashamed of and feel guilty about, but sometimes I wish I could run away, or not have Sami at all at a certain point. Well, please don't get me wrong, I love her loads and I would like to protect her with my life. Just that life with a reflux baby can be like a roller coaster without an end to it. Basically I got myself up there on the roller coaster, and I need to just wait till it comes to a stop. Again, most moms who have dealt with reflux will probably nod their heads if they are reading this. 

Everyday I get up and tell myself it's a new day, a day closer to her silent reflux leaving us and that there is hope. I'd a melt down moment yesterday morning when trying to feed Sami, and her refusing the bottle after 50 cc. I'd a hard time to let go and let it be. We have this log book, putting down how much she drinks, and sometimes the quantity of milk she has drank feels almost like a score from school. When my hubby went telling me it wasn't Sami's fault, I just lost it and broke into tears. Of course I know it is not her fault! It's no one's fault, and that's the tough part. As parents, you know something is bothering her, but you can't do anything to help fixing it. And when being tired to your bones, you have less capacity to cope with tough times, especially at night or early morning. 

Today I'll be picking up the new formula which the pediatrician has prescribed, so we hope that will also help her, which then can help us. People say between 4-6 months with teething starting, this can cause reflux to flare up even more. So that probably explains the frequent night wakings. I am starting to find myself being "used" to being called out of bed these days. Just that at times, as I'm so tired and stressed, I end up not being able to fall asleep even if Sami is asleep. Isn't it crazy? I think only people who have been through this know what it means by being too tired to sleep. My hubby can't understand it and tell me to learn going back to sleep. When he said that, I really felt no one could understand me which was probably why I'd that melt down moment. 

So my advice to people who have friends or families dealing with hardship, please try to have some sympathy on their feelings. Don't deny their feelings, allow them to express their feelings, acknowledge them instead of judging them, and try to come up with ways that you can help them with, instead of making suggestions on what they should do. And if you don't know what you can do to help them, ask them what you can do to help them instead of staying silent. Also hugging them would really help them to go through this stormy period. Just be there for them. Use today's technology to show them you care, even it's just a few whatsapp messages or facebook posts. If possible, even go by just to say hello, have a cup of tea, or just chat with them. You've no idea how much you can already brighten someone's dark moments. 

I'm thankful that I've some friends who have been doing some of these. I don't have that many friends who would come by to chat or to take over some workload from me, but when I do, I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I've a nanny who has dealt with reflux from her own kids, so she knows how to handle Sami. She won't mind taking her even if it means she needs to get up at night for her. Even though she doesn't live close by, but at least once or twice in a month to have her helping us out already means a lot to me. 

@ 21 weeks

Today Sami is 21 weeks old. If it was a pregnancy, then that would mean I would be half way through the pregnancy. Also, that was when we were all anxious to know the gender of the baby. Every week is a milestone to me. For others who spend their weeks as usual, to me, every week is special.

There are hard times definitely during all these weeks. Sami had drug free for about 1 and half week and she started drinking much better. Then after being put back on meds, she drank really poor again. So now we are on day 4 without meds, which I hope she will start drinking like she was a week or two ago. Today she got her 4 months vaccination, so maybe she would be more fussy than usual anyway. These days, we often are hit by restless nights. We don't know what the cause of those sleepless nights are, but we are hoping it will get better.

What I've learned over the last period of time is that it's ok to accept the emotions you've as a mother. Being a mom of a silent reflux baby, you don't get much support from the local health providers such as the consultation office as their knowledge in it is so little. And you have to be lucky to have the right pediatrician to treat your child properly without them first blaming on the mom being the overreacting freaking out mom instead. Often you get to hear from people that it's normal kids split up, or that kids don't drink their bottles from time to time, or seeing your baby not skinny and so you should not worry. Well, these people have no idea what we are going thru daily. It's not just about how we feel, but most importantly how Sami is feeling. With silent reflux, she doesn't toss anything out, but her stomach acid gets up which gives her pain and discomfort. Yes, the older she gets, the more likely she will grow over it, but there is no time line set when that will happen. If you look at some forums of what the baby reflux moms are dealing with, I've seen cases where it keeps going until they are 3. Then it feels almost as if we were being lied to for those timeline they initially guessed. So I really don't dare to think too much of when this will be over for us.

And yes, it's also difficult to receive proper support from people around you. Everyone is occupied with their own lives. If you get hear from a friend who offers the help and is actually standing in front of your doorstep ready to help, you are the luckiest person in this universe, since this doesn't really happen often. I don't blame anyone for this, as I may have not given such support to others as well before, as often this is done without consciously knowing. That's also why I've created a group on Facebook known as "Baby Reflux Moms in Holland", in the hope that we can have more awareness in this, plus giving moms some support in this by sharing experiences. I've picked up so many tricks that are handy or even important in handling reflux babies. I've recently shared this information with another young mom who is new to reflux, and she was overwhelmed by all these tricks.

So yes, parenthood is hard, especially when you've more to deal with than just standard baby issues such as teething and so. Ok, Sami isn't so sick that her life is threathened, and I'm grateful that's not the case. Just that it doesn't make it all that easy. And what is also very important to get through this period is having a partner who doesn't deny your feelings, doesn't judge you or tell you're wrong to have those feelings. You need a partner who then accepts your feelings, and does his/ her best to support you. Sometimes a hug helps, sometimes taking off some workload from your shoulders helps. I'm lucky to have my hubby who does do a lot of household chores, so that I can have time to rest or to come around.

At the same time, I also am reminding myself that every day is a new day, a new start, and who knows what that will bring us. I try to enjoy each smile our little girl gives us, and cherish each moment that I see her developing new skills. Yesterday after having got a tiny push from me, she went from her back to her belly. Then she was even trying to make crawling movements in order to grab her toy. She likes grabbing things now and is getting a hang of it. She likes swifting objects from her left hand to her right hand and back. And she not only has discovered by scatching different surfaces with her finger nails will create different sounds, she has also found her toe nails do that too! And when I feed her now with a spoon, she likes grabbing the spoon, and tries to put the food into her mouth. I let her play with a bit, though it's messy, but I think it's good for her to feel it.





I am thankful also that babies are forgiving, or at least that's how it feels. She seems to forgive/ forget the frustrated mommy, and will laugh when seeing me, or will let me hug her. I do enjoy the moments when holding the sleepy Sami, with her head resting on my shoulder. I know then those moments would only be temporary, as the older she gets, the more independent she will become.

Sami is definitely using up a lot of patience quota from me, a lot more than Julian at the time. And I'm learning each day, even with carrying my panda eyes around (black circles, especially eye bags), because I know soon she will be 5 months, then 6 months, then 9 months... then 1 years old... Now I'm counting by weeks, and soon will be months, and then will be years only. Look at Julian now, I don't check anymore how many weeks old he is, or how many months old he is.

0 years old... 4 months old...20 weeks old.....142 days old....

Dear Sami,

I don't know if you would get to read this one day, since these days it's hard to tell how much I put onto the internet will still be when you're old enough to read this. I started blogging with your brother, and tried my best to blog every day to write down his daily experiences as well as mine as a mom. Just too bad eventually yahoo has stopped the blog service completely.

You're now over four months old. With your brother, I was very much involved in reading each expected development every week, hoping to check mark what he could do out of those lists. With you, I'm less conscious about this, and have been more involved in how to get you drinking well, and how to make you a happier baby and minimize any discomfort or pain from your silent reflux. We have been battling together on this all this time together. We have seen numerous doctors and nurses. What I notice myself though is that I've become more confident and secure of myself than I was when I was a mom for the first time with your brother. So you definitely has benefited from that, for being my second child.

Yet I do realize it is also nice to put more focus on other things, like your development. Things you're learning each day.

You have not only found your voice, you've been more chatty these days.

You can not only smile but also laugh with laughing sounds.

You have not only found your hands and your arms, but you've also figured out by scratching with your fingers onto certain surfaces, you will get different sounds.

You have been able to roll from your belly to your back, but that is probably you didn't enjoy being put onto your belly. I've read mixed information about whether to train a baby by putting the baby often onto the belly. So now I just see how you are each day, see if you would fancy that.

You have been drinking slightly better after you stopped the medication. Just that unfortunately after we have a pH test done on you, the doctors say you should still be back on medication to lower your stomach acid level. We hope we now have got the right suitable medicine for you, so that you will stay being a happy baby.

You have started with solid food, namely pear which you didn't seem to appreciate, parsnip which you initially liked but seem to start having problems with, brown beans which your papa is proud of when you start passing gas, cauliflower that you dislike, and carrots with apple which you seem to enjoy. I don't always give you solid food as sometimes when you don't drink well at the daycare, then I will give you a bottle instead of any solid food since at your age, bottle is still the best feeding for you for now.

You started splashing the water with your arms and legs when you're taking a bath. You probably are amused by the reaction mama and papa make when we get wet.

Everyday is a new day for us all. Some days you give us a hard time at night, and then some days you amaze us by letting us sleeping in a bit. No matter what, I still love you to the moon, even sometimes I'm still learning how to be more patient. Yet, I think this time being a mom, I've been given by God the opportunity to learn being a better person as well as a better mom.



Love
Mama

4 months sleep regression?

Even though I'm a mom for the 2nd time, I must have forgotten all the nasty things with my son, that I actually decided to go for this again for the 2nd time!!! I can't remember anything about 4 months sleep regression with my son.

We had been struggling for a long time with reflux, and feeding issues, that maybe the sleep regression wasn't so apparant to me until recently when she started drinking better. It's been 1.5 week since she has been waking up at night. She wakes up 2-4 times at night! I first blamed it on her being hungry as initially she wasn't drinking well. Then I thought it was teething. But then someone mentioned 4-month sleep regression.

These days, you can google on almost anything, so I googled on 4 month sleep regression, and yes, I have read a lot of articles ranging from written by sleep consultants to just mommies who have been going through this. What I've gathered is that at 4 months, the brain is starting to develop in such a rapid speed that the little ones are overwhelmed by it, plus their sleeping pattern is more like an adult, meaning they will wake up a couple times at night. We as adults don't notice that as much anymore as we have learned to go back to sleep, while the little ones haven't been able to do so yet.

In the beginning, we have been running down to her, or most of the time, I'm the one doing so, checking on her, and putting her dummy back into her mouth. But each time, as she waves with her arms all the time, rubbing her eyes, her nose, her head, etc, the dummy is out before I get out of the room. So these days, I only do it once, and then just walk out of her room again, and let her be. I'm often lying on my bed afterwards, fearing hearing her over the baby phone, so even if she has fallen back to sleep, I often am in my bed all awake. Sometimes my hubby will be awake, and he will also do the same. There was one night a week ago that she was really upset and crying, that we just fed her.

Now after having done some reading, I've come to the conclusion to try a few things:

1. Try not giving her the dummy, as she will get so dependent on it that she will make me get out of my bed each time when that thing falls out of her mouth. I wish there was a manufacturer who can come up with something better, something that will just stay in her mouth, at least for the night! This part I can remember with my son, whereby I was doing the exact same thing, especially during the nap times! We already put a little cloth through the ring of her dummy, which is a trick that I had learned from the hospital with my son at the time.
2. Try putting her to bed earlier. I really notice the major difference with having a second child! You just have less room to be flexible! You have to pay attention to the fact that your other child needs to be able to sleep too, or get dinner on time. You can't just focus on one child. The fortunate thing is that my son goes to my ex often these days during the summer holiday, so that I've more room to be flexible at the moment. We have been bringing her upstairs for her bath at 7:30 pm, and then she would be having her bottle at 7:45 pm. If she drinks well, she would be in bed by 8 pm. I remember with my son, I used to have him in bed between 7 pm and 7:30 pm. So maybe we need to bring her bedtime a bit earlier to make a small difference?! My husband comes home often late, which is also one of the reasons why we have been doing this kinda late, as I wanted to have him to be involved as well as helping me. I know I can do it alone, but still....
3. Try giving her just the normal bottle at 11:30 pm instead of messing around with the rice cereal which I've not got the right mixture with the right size teat. If someone has a great knowledge on this, please educate me! But last night, as I tried giving the milk mixed with rice cereal, with a smaller teat that the one she was offered the night before which she almost choked over it, it took her initially ages to drink, and then when I went downstairs to make another normal bottle of milk and left her with my hubby, she was all awake and thought it was time to play. She found playing with her milk in her mouth quite interesting, just that I definitely wasn't amused at that hour. She also took awhile to go back to sleep as she was chatting the whole time then.
4. Try telling myself that from all the issues we had been through, this has to be NEXT TO NOTHING! This will pass, and I will get some sleep!!! I read a blog written by a mom about her daughter going through this. She wrote this a year ago, so the good thing about an old post is that I could just click through all posts she wrote, and saw she actually got to sleep again. She did have to do sleep training by using Cry-it-out option which was her last option after they had tried everything, but after a week or two, her daughter actually slept much better. I really secretly hope we won't have to apply this approach in the future!
5. Sit it out... yes... final resort, which isn't even a choice

I'm hoping one day I can read back, and have a smile on my face and realizing I was getting all worked up and worried over something so tiny!




Yeah... she is now in the phase of realizing how magical her hands are!

Making the right choice for our kids....

As a child, I always looked up at my parents, knowing that they were making the right choices for us. Then the older I got, the more I went challenging those choices, asking why they would know they were really making the right choices for us. Now being a mom of two kids, I certainly have come to realization that it's not really about making the right choices, but making the best choices you can at those moments. Sometimes we cannot tell whether they are really right or not, and maybe there is just no definition of whether they are right. What really matters is we have done our best to come up with the best for ourselves and for our kids.



Recently we had to make the decision to go ahead with an oesophagus pH test to see the amount of stomach acid Sami has in her oesophagus, so better medication against reflux can be given accordingly. The thought of having a tube being put through her nostrils down to her oesophagus really worries me how much pain or discomfort our little one would have. Yet, we know by doing this, we can better establish how much she suffers from reflux.

We noticed after having stopped with her medication, she started drinking much better than ever! This gave me such a reassurance that I have not been fighting this battle for nothing, and that it was real bullshit for those medical staff telling me not to pay attention to how much Sami is drinking. Simply Sami was having discomfort or not feeling well after having taken the medication, and therefore she refused to drink. I just wish the medical staff didn't challenge my mother instinct as much as they did.

I've heard during the last few months of them telling me:

• maybe the way I was holding wasn't right, 
• maybe it was the bottle or teats so we bought the whole drugstore home with all sort of teats and bottles,
• maybe it was me who was too stressed and that the baby felt it so she stopped drinking,
• maybe she just doesn't like milk
• maybe she just doesn't need that much
• maybe she has an attitude
• maybe she associates drinking with a bad experience she had been through

We have asked the pediatricians so often whether the medicine's side effects can be bothering her so much that she therefore stops drinking. The answers we have been getting have been:

• We have never had kids having problems with this medicine.
• Nah... that should not be an issue.

If there aren't any side effects, why would they be mentioned on the leaflets of the medicine?! Our little girl isn't capable of telling us what's bothering her, so all we can do as parents is to be her voice as much as we can. During the last months, because of the lack of support I've been getting from the medical team, I have been doubting myself a lot, wondering if I'm really the issue here, making a big deal out of nothing, and that maybe I should accept having a fussy child.

Now looking back, I can proudly stand up and say they were proven wrong and I've been right all along. Ok, I'm no doctor, and I can't treat my child like a doctor can. Yet, I know I've not been overreacting as much as they claim then!

The nights that Sami now drinks well, I really enjoy holding her after her finishing her bottle, all drowsy, leaning her head over my shoulder. I can now find the bond we have stronger. When I've her in my arms, she would have her little arm around me, and I know she knows I'm someone important to her. I love walking to her when she wakes up (ok, not at night when she wakes up at 2 am or 4 am.) and smiles at me. I love seeing her wanting to look at me rather than playing with her toys. These feelings are now getting stronger and stronger, and I can sense somehow things will turn around soon. The light at the end of the tunnel will be there soon. Certainly there will still be sleepless nights, there will still be struggles and so, yet I think this has been quite a big milestone for all of us.



I've also been learning to accept my limits. I think it's something which we should also teach our kids too. Even though I feel guilty for not being there for Sami when they do the oesophagus pH test, as I sent daddy to go instead, I know it's for the best. It won't do Sami any good if she has a mom all scared or emotional over there while daddy may be more calm and can give her the reassurance that it will be fine. I've to tell myself that it's ok to accept this from myself, and that I can do some other things good too. It sounds selfish to say, but it's important to take care of ourselves first before we can be good parents for our kids.

126 days of being a mommy of 2 kids...

It's funny how sometimes you feel the time is going by so slowly, and you're counting the days, hoping that the time will go by quicker. Then when you're there, you realize afterwards that time has passed by too quick somehow, while in fact, every second is ticking the same speed for everyone in this universe.

I've really mixed feelings when looking back at how I've done the last 126 days. It's not been easy on any of us in the family, my son, my hubby, and my 126 days old baby girl, Sami. I love all of them more than anything, but at times we are giving ourselves so much stress on each other that we can be stepping on each other's toes.

Well, Sami remains to be Sami... we have been struggling for some 4 months on her feeding and reflux issues. I can't even count how often I'm with her in clinics and hospitals. I used to think Julian was a fussy baby, but comparing Sami and Julian which I know I shouldn't, Sami is definitely a more complicated case for me.

During these 4 months, I have once again seen myself in the mirror, and I came to realization how I hate some part of me. I wish I could be someone with loads of patience and love, but when handling a baby with feeding issues or struggling to fall asleep, or when my son also needs attention while I'm busy with Sami, or whenever the stress is going over my limit, there is this switch in my head that may just snap. I'm scared of those moments, as all I wanna do is to run away, or to yell. Certainly, I know it's not the kids' fault of what they are doing at those moments, and certainly I know I'm the adult here who must show our kids how to behave and control our feelings. It's just NOT easy.


10 mins...20 mins... 30 mins... an hour....


There are definitely moments where I wonder if I've gotten myself over-worrying, or overreacting. Luckily, those moments aren't too long when I hear also what others are saying. That helps and reassures me that I'm doing the best I can. I don't know if that is sufficient but I need to tell myself to accept my limits too. This isn't easy for me, as I'm always someone who wants to have a quick fix, and does 120% to achieve the results.

Some people suggest my lowering the stress level, just that I haven't figured out what would work for me.

1. Working less? Not really an option for me. Financially I can't afford to. And mentally I know I'm not the kind of woman who can sit home long. I'm someone who needs to stay busy.
2. Getting my hubby to help more? Well, he has been doing the best he can, seeing he is a first-time dad. Ok, he is definitely not a baby whisper. He is somehow a typical man. He can sleep over any kind of noise most of the time (once he is asleep that is). I hardly bother him when Sami wakes up at night as I'm a light sleeper, so I thought since there is already one person who is fully awake, why bother waking up the other one if he can sleep?! But the downside is having to get up so often at night lately and being at work as well does get tougher and tougher in a long run. He doesn't worry over every thing that the kids do like I do. He does do take care of Sami, probably more than some traditional Chinese men, but when we are together in the weekend, normally I'm the one doing most feedings and so.
3. Having someone to help us out? Well, our parents as well as parents in laws aren't physically able to take over the caring role, even though they would love to. And we don't really have friends who can really do so, apart from Julian's former nanny, but unfortunately she lives a bit farther away, or else that might have been great for me to just catch my breath once a while.

The only thing I'm telling myself each morning is that this WILL pass, it WILL get better, I WILL be able to enjoy parenthood more, we WILL get more sleep...., I WILL be able to eat dinner without rushing...



People tell me not to be too hard on myself, but I find it hard not to feel guilty when I see people having kids with a big smile on their faces. The moms look wonderful, while I hardly care about what clothing I'm wearing. I want to be a happy mom and a happy wife too. These days I am too tired for having sex, plus it has been too warm and I hate feeling all sticky and sweaty. But I know I shouldn't ignore that, as sex is also important for our relationship. I don't want my son to feel that now that his sister is born, I have no time for him.

So I do keep trying. I try to go with him to the library to get books that he likes reading. I try to take him to the McDonald's once in a while. I try to go for a walk with him together with Sami in the buggy so that we can chat when having our walk.

And I also tell myself not to get upset over little things, as life is too short to get upset over little things. I need to put things in perspective, looking at them in a bigger picture from a more positive angle.

Yes, I do have my breakdown moments from time to time. I do say certain things that I don't mean and regret awfully afterwards. Still I am grateful for having a hubby that does his best to support and to understand. I'm also lucky to have a son who understands a lot, and is willing to help me as much as possible. Yesterday after he had gone out to play for an hour and half, he still went with me to go for another 1 1/2 hour walk with Sami. I admire the love he has on his little sister, since it wasn't even his choice of whether having a sister or not. He isn't getting much back from little sister so far apart from the smiles she gives him, and her staring at him, but he still loves her adorably. He comes up with silly games to play with her, such as "who can stare the longest without blinking the eyes", or taking selfies photos with her with his old-fashioned mobile phone which is very tricky.




I share my feelings on Facebook. Some people may find me being annoying, as it sounds to them like I'm only thinking about myself, over-sharing, and that they may want to say to me they don't care. Well, I hope the friends that I cherish won't feel that way, as that's for me a platform to vent my feelings and frustrations, and to share my happiness. Luckily, I've also received great support from women out there, giving me ideas and a pat on the shoulder. That is very sweet of them, and no words can describe how much those mean to me.

110 days further... Still learning on the job

Sami is now 110 days old. She is becoming more aware of her environment. She loves it when people talk to her, and when her brother goes entertaining her, she even laughed a few times out loud, which is the best music in the world! She has been lifting her body up a bit by using her legs, so maybe it won't be long before she can roll herself over. I still remember how astonished I was when seeing that happening for the first time with Julian.



Not only is Sami learning everyday. I'm learning every day too. Even though I'm a mom for the 2nd time, with 8 years of parenthood experiences, it's like going onto a new job in the same field. You will have a new boss, new colleagues, new standards, new environment, etc.

With Sami's feeding and reflux issues, Sami has been admitted to the hospital already 4 times since she was born. Recently we have changed her reflux medication, as the one she was given since she was 6 weeks old isn't really meant for babies, and no proper research has been done on it for babies. In the US, it's even not approved by the FDA. As parents, you expect doctors to know the best, so you trust them. Luckily, these days we have the world of internet. Certainly we need to find the right balance and find the right source, to avoid self-doctor-ing too much. However, we have seen multiple times that our parents instinct isn't too far off. Just too bad that babies can't talk, and it's therefore our job as parents to represent them and to help them.

I'm someone who likes to be in control and stay productive, with high expectations on myself, quick in resolving things, etc. So when it comes down to parenthood, I suck in this new job. My boss, Sami, protests quicker than any usual bosses, and sometimes I don't know the exact reasons behind the protests. So to resolve things, you can't expect the choices you've made would work or would show its effect that quickly. I have to learn to sometimes let things rest a bit, let it go, and see if all will fall into its own space by itself eventually. At the same time, that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

Also, with this new job, I've new colleagues, namely my hubby and my 8 years old son (from my previous marriage, and is my other boss). My hubby is new to the world of parenthood in total. On a working floor, normally men and women work differently, and in the world of parenthood, that applies too. He isn't a baby whisper, and probably he won't be one. Having baby whisper qualification certainly would be a preference, but like any recruitment process, companies can't always get what they want. We just have to work with what we have, and everyone is different! My hubby has other skills that I don't have. He is most of the time more patient than I'm when our boss protests. He provides back-office support, such as cleaning, cooking, getting groceries, etc. We sometimes disagree with each other, but then we often talk through it and work on a better solution.

In this new job, even with all the skills I've gathered over the last 8 years, I am encountering different and new challenges often. And the great part is though that with the world of social media and internet, I'm getting more support from people whom have been in the same or similar shoes as mine. We share our experiences and sometimes it helps to just laugh over it. We remind ourselves that any of the difficult stages we come across would not last forever.

We will eventually get to sleep through the night and that we end up needing to kick them out of bed instead.
We will eventually have our own living room back without baby furnitures or toys all over the place.
We will eventually have our kitchen counter back without baby food, formula milk and milk bottles lying there.
We will eventually go on vacation without moving the whole household along and hoping that you can still enjoy a little bit of your vacation instead of just having an environment change.
We will eventually have our dinner peacefully without rushing so that you can take over or aim to lower the crying boss' volume.
We will eventually have less baggy eyes due to the lack of sleep.

I am sure there are plenty more that anyone in a similar job can add onto this list.

Yet this is a job that I've signed up for with my one particular colleague, my hubby, and it's a job that you can't resign from until we leave this world. There is no sick leave on this job, and you're only paid by kisses, smiles, etc. It's amazing how rewarding these immaterial items are which keep us going all the time. We do get taxed by having to pay for their food, their clothing, their education, their entertainment, etc. I will openly admit sometimes I want to glue my bosses behind the wallpaper as the Dutch will say it. From this job, I can see my strength and weaknesses very well. But still... I love my two lovely bosses. I am sure at each work anniversary I get on this job, I can look back and say "yes we did it!" and time may feel like it has flown by, even though the days may seem so long when we are dealing with each project/ stage.

My two bosses

Good days and bad days

Definitely with a baby, you can have a great day and then followed by a bad day. I'd that yesterday.

Yesterday Sami did sleep well in the morning, but she somehow started drinking not so well for some reason. We went out briefly, shorter than we had been doing the last couple days. She slept a bit in the pram, probably some 30-40 mins. By the time we got home, I'd her fed and hoped she would sleep as she seemed very tired. She slept for 10 mins and woke up crying. I do put her to bed most of the time with her being still awake, and the other times it's purely because she got so knocked out after drinking her bottle that I won't bother to wake her up to put her to bed. Anyway, she hardly slept then, and so my next hope, and I mean feeding was around the block again. So I fed her, and she fell asleep as well, but for only 5 mins followed by crying. I often first let her moan a bit, or cry a bit before really going to her. Just that this technique only works well in the morning but not that well later on during the day. She slept then maybe for 30 mins, and then I finally took her out after letting her moan a bit longer.

Anyway, everyday is a new day to me, and everyday I've new hopes.

87 days.... 13 days left before her 100 days and before my going back to work

I have to say I've real mixed feelings about going back to work. On one hand, I really want to be me again at work, being able to stay focus, concentrated, productive, and in control. On the other hand, now that it seems like finally the last 1-2 weeks I'm getting a hang of this whole new motherhood thing with my 2nd child, I've to go back to work. I can get used to now getting up in the morning, having my quiet easy start while Sami goes back to sleep after her 6-7 o'clock bottle. Then in the afternoon, going out with her is something we both seem to finally being able to enjoy.

Yesterday was one of the best days. Sami slept till 10:30 am, so I gave her the bottle later than scheduled. After that, we went to town to have dim sum with my mom by taking the metro. She was happily in the pram in the restaurant, staring at the fake crystal lights. She was so fascinated by it that she fell asleep eventually. I could just enjoy my lunch without worrying about her. Then we went to a photo studio as I've this coupon for one photo taken between 0-3 months, then 4-6 months, 7-9 months and 10-12 months. When we got there, I had to get her nappy changed first, and luckily they even have a changing mat there! As she slept well, so she was a happy camper, and did very well. She only cried once but that was busy she wasn't sitting comfortably.

And certainly, the studio would do their best to sell more photo products to the parents by taking more than just one. And parents are sold by the fact that they can't make the same set themselves, or it can never be guaranteed that the child would cooperate as well as he/ she just did there. So most probably I would get a set of photos from them. I'm curious to see the outcome. They even let me and my mom being on the photos. Hope they will turn out to be good.

After the photos were taken, I fed Sami in the department store where they have sufficient space for me to do so. Then she just slept in her pram again while I went doing some shopping. And once we got home, I decided to let her in her box, not wanting to struggle with running up to her room with her crying her lungs out. She slept a bit there too. Is it a good thing to do? Probably I would get so many people saying no, I should have put her up in her room. But now I've learned to just go with my feelings. Certainly, most of the time, I put her in her room to let her sleep, and yes, she would cry before she falls asleep. But seeing this time she slept quite a bit already throughout the day, I can live with that.

And so this was one of the days I would probably miss in the future. Soon I'll have to rush to the daycare after work to pick up both kids, then run home to get dinner ready for the family, and hopefully Sami would take a short nap while I do this. Then get her sorted, and get both kids cleaned and off to bed. My hubby won't probably be home yet to help. I know I should be able to handle this, as I must, yet I'm a bit anxious about it. Sometimes I wish the society could provide more support to moms who work. Women are expected to do so much more these days, and they are constributing also to the society. Yet, when they are off from work, they still have to pick up most of the things at home. If you're lucky, you may have a man who is very keen and hands-on with kids and household. Otherwise, you're pretty much on your own. That's what I feel.

So you can imagine then why I've mixed thoughts on going back to work. Also, for the last 2-3 years, I'm used to have a nanny for Julian for 5 days a week. Now he will be home with us on the Wednesday's and Friday's, as he and his sister will go to the daycare 3 times per week. I'm really hoping I can get this worked out well. I love Julian, but sometimes when you're in stress, it's hard to be doing positive parenting.

Being a mom means improvising

Being a mom means improvising, that's because whenever something happens suddenly, we have to come up with solutions immediately for our kids.

This morning after my hubby got out of shower, he told me that there was no water supply all of sudden. It turns out that we didn't get the notice, but there was work being done in the street further down that we won't have water till noon today. Ok, we could skip taking a shower, and we could brush our teeth with the little water supply we had, but what about Sami's bottles that were used and not yet rinsed?!

First thing I did was to call the water supply company who seemed to know nothing about the water supply issue. Then I went downstairs to the constructors who were putting a building in front of our house down, and they told me that it was planned that we would have no water due to the work done further down. I went afterwards to the supermarket that is under our apartment, and there I could use their tap to clean Sami's bottles, and fill up an one-litre bottle as water reserve. Luckily, I don't mind asking the people at the supermarket, and they are nice enough to let us use their water. I even could just walk down there with the baby phone. That's another convenience I've with a supermarket below my apartment.

Improvising is something being a mom that has to be activated. Just like the other time when Julian came home while it was planned that he would go with another mom to play in a korfball game, but it turned out he was supposed to be on the bike in order to ride along. Well, I'd Sami home, but luckily I also had some visitors who could watch Sami for the ten minutes I'd to be away, so that I could bring Julian over there anyway.

Never ask me "why did you do this?" or "why didn't you do this?"

 

I remember well that one thing I really hate people asking me is "why didn't you do this?" or "why did you do this...?". As actually those people who asked the question actually wanted you to do certain things. I prefer people rephrasing it and giving a suggestion instead of asking me why I didn't or did certain thing different from what they want to suggest.

I once said to my hubby that he should not ask Julian then why he did certain bad things, since often as a child, I remember when my parents asked me why I misbehaved, I'd no answer to that. I couldn't think of why. And definitely even if a child misbehaves to get certain attention, he or she sure won't tell you because he/ she wants attention from you.

I got annoyed today from my nanny who temporarily is babysitting Julian on why I won't leave Sami more often downstairs. I said that's because I want to get Sami some quiet moments to calm down and probably sleep if she wants to. She then said I should keep her downstairs to get her more used to being around noises and I would not have to run up and down the stairs. This nanny is a good nanny in the sense that she makes it very clear to Julian where the boundary is. However, she often asks questions like why I don't spend more time with Julian, or why I don't lend more books from the library more often than I do now....etc. Well, if I could, I would, but for now, I'm doing what I can and I don't think Julian is missing out so awful lot, if I compare my childhood with his. Certainly, we all can go the library and lend books for the kids as often as once a week instead of my 3-6 weeks, or we can go to different classes with our kids. Just that sometimes these days, we tend to do so much more, thinking that's a must.

It's easy to make comments to others, but what I've learned recently is that we need to watch out when giving comments or suggestions to others. By rephrasing the words, the music is already so much different for the person who receives it.

Was it postnatal depression?

When I just delivered Julian, my eldest son who is now 8, turning nine this November, I was on the edge of having postnatal depression. I felt really remote from friends and family. Julian was a crying baby, and I felt very lonely with having to deal with his crying alone during the day. I went to the family doctor in the area where I used to live, and he only prescribed me with some vitamin pills. I went to a social worker asking for help, and all I got was a waiting list of 10 weeks. I eventually went back to work earlier than anticipated from my maternity leave, so that I had some control back in my life again.

Now this time, eight years later, with my being older, and having a very lovely husband, I thought I won't have to deal with depression again. Yet, I started getting all the signals especially when Sami was crying a lot, and that scared me.

• a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
• loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
• lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
• disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night even when the baby is sleeping
• difficulties with concentration and making decisions
• low self-confidence
• poor appetite
• feelings of guilt and self-blame
• feelings of regrets having a baby
• thinking if I do get as far as wanting to hurt the baby, I would hurt myself first

All these were telling me I'd to do something about it. Initially I thought she just refused to sleep in her own bed because she was spoilt by us holding her too often. We were told as she was so tiny, she really longed for being held to give her a comfort safe feeling.

I started seeking for help not only for myself but also for Sami. She got hospitalized and that was when I could take a break. When she was in the hospital, I was in a way glad that she was there, that I could be alone again! I stopped breastfeeding after having discussed with my family doctor, as the advantages of breastfeeding don't outweight the risk of my getting a depression. I was glad then that I could finally be detached from my child. I felt so guilty feeling so, and found it hard to express these feelings to others. Luckily, my hubby has been great, though it has been tough on him also. On top of that, I did get a lot of support from a facebook mother supporting group! I threw out a lot of frustrations and feelings on there, and many people really left great supporting comments. Some even came by to talk to me or drove me to the hospital when I couldn't drive after the c-section.

The recovery from the c-section didn't make it easier on me, as it was longer than expected. Even up till today, I still have pain in my belly. That made it harder, as I was just physically drained.

My hubby is a freshman in terms of being a father. It's all new to him, and that's also different, since to me, this is my second time being a mom. When being new to parenthood together as a couple, I think you kind of make your way through together, like growing into it together. It has nothing to do with him not willing to do things, as that's not the case at all, but I somehow gave myself more pressure than necessary.

I eventually went to the family doctor on this. Apart from stopping with the breastfeeding, he referred me to the psychologist. I had 3-4 sessions with her, and I have to say that didn't help me much, apart from my recognizing my issues. My being always productive, in control, doing things in a high speed, having high standards and expectations, etc, all these are great when you're at work. But at home, with a baby, that doesn't work well, as it's not like the harder you work, you will get immediate results right away.

Not everyone in my surroundings can help or understand my situation. I felt also that I'd to feel being lucky to be granted such a lovely child, and that I am being a mom for the 2nd time, so I should be able to do this. Also, my son being 8 years old, should be so easy comparing to those having toddlers running around. I felt I'd no right to be complaining, yet I couldn't feel any joy, especially when others congratulated us and told me to enjoy the time. I really wanted to ask, "what kind of enjoyment do you mean?!" I felt I was being like a teenager mom, for having got pregnant accidentially and having regrets, while this pregnancy was planned. The pregnancy was full of bumpy roads, like heavy bleeding, gestational diabetes and pelvis instability. So I knew I was supposed to be glad.

YET, I DIDN'T!!!!

Eventually after weeks of research, and being rather agressive (not physically) on medical staff, we finally found out Sami has silent reflux which she is getting 200% dosage of medication, plus her tongue tie and upper lip tie being cut helped her to drink better. We went to osteopathy, and that seemed to have helped her too to calm down. Once she started to sleep a bit better with less crying, I started to relax more.

We still have got ups and downs, especially when she just had her vaccination, or when she got her tongue tie and so cut. Also, we have noticed she hardly sleeps during the day. I tried staying home with her all day long to let her having sufficient rest. I tried keeping her in bed, but she would just cry. I tried not picking her up, I tried holding her, I tried.... everything, or nothing! But none of those helped. And that made me really frustrated but also insecure about myself being a mother.

Then gradually I told myself I'd to get out of this, so I decided to get out with her more often during the day, since she won't sleep anyway at home. At least out there, even though she is with me, her crying doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as when we are at home. She does sometimes cry the whole trip in the car, which can drive you insane, but then I told myself I can't help her when I'm driving. And if by talking to her or singing to her won't calm her down, then I may as well shut my brain up a bit, and concentrate on getting us home without going crazy.

So I started going out with her. First with my hubby, then with my mom, after that alone. Of course, during all doctors' visits, I went out with Sami, but those were obligations. And now after having done this alone, I find it comforting to see she can sleep in her pram, while I can still have some time to either get things done, or to meet up with people. It's better than my brain going on and on thinking whether she is sleeping or not. It really got to the point where I started hearing things, thinking she was crying while she wasn't.

So what helped me from being away from a postnatal depression? Not the drugs that I got prescribed, as I didn't dare to take them due to the side-effects shown. Not from the talks with the psychologist. It was more like right proper support from the right people. These days you do have to fight to get the right support. And I'm also very grateful for having some friends helping me, giving me support!

At the same time, I really hope that we all would give all mothers the best support we can give to them. Recently on the news in Hong Kong, there was a single mom with 2 kids (her eldest son at similar age as my son, and a daughter of 1.5 years old), who suffered from postnatal depression and didn't get the right support and help, ended up chopping her daugther to death. Her eldest son stood in front of the apartment door, and could you imagine what kind of impact that would give on his life? And poor woman! Some people would blam her, but in fact, for a woman being abandoned by the husband with two kids, and having a depression without much help granted, I feel sorry for her. I don't agree with what she had done, but I really could imagine how far one could get at a certain point.

I'm lucky to have been able to steer away from a postnatal depression. When one gets ill from having a cold or whatever, the person won't feel ashame to tell others about it. With depression, people don't often dare to say it out loud to avoid being judged. It's almost like a taboe while it shouldn't be. No one wants to be depressed, and often it's not like you make yourself depressed! It's hard to admit having an issue, then getting the right help. So I hope we all can try our best to give the support we can give, instead of just staying away thinking that the person is busy or telling them everythiing would be fine.

85 days ago....

85 days ago, I went into the hospital anxiously with my hubby, as we had a planned c-section, since our little girl decided to be in a frank breech for months. We decided not to let the hospital try to turn her, as I believe she was in that position for a reason.

I remember so well everything that happened that day. We got in there on time, as Julian was staying with my mother already the night before. We had to wait for a bit. The nurse put all that was needed on me, including the glucose IV, just that she did the wrong setting, so my glucose level went sky high all of sudden. Luckily we found it on time and all was ok again. Going by the lift downstairs in my bed made me nervous. My hubby stayed with me the whole time. Once we were waiting to get into the OR, they had to change all the gloves as I thought I was only allergic to rubber and not to latex. Anyway, for safety measures, they changed them including cleaning the air. The OR was smaller than I expected, less blue, more white. They were comforting me worrying that I would be scared with so many staff there. That was my least fear! I was more scared of the surgery itself, since I never had one!

Once all was ready and I was drugged, I could not feel my lower part of the body apart from their pushing and pulling. And within minutes, Sami was there! My hubby wasn't scared and looked over the screen to witness her being brought out (or pulled out actually). She was being brought away by the doctor to be examinated before she was brought to me. What a tiny creature!!!

Because I had some side effects from the drugs, so I'd to be monitored in a resting room after the surgery. Sami and my hubby went back upstairs, and she was fed with the breast milk that I expressed with a lot of effort prior the delivery. It was worthy, as her glucose level was getting too low.

When I was back upstairs with them, I was still drugged so I didn't feel much pain. I was overwhelmed by the joy and happiness. I couldn't resist not holding her in my arms. I fed her though my breast milk wasn't up and running yet. Now thinking back, she was so tiny. She was only 2650 grams at birth.

Once the anestheic was getting out of my system, I really needed to get painkillers. They gave me mofine type painkillers, along with another painkiller. I could hardly move, but because they had to dress me, I had to roll on my side. That was one of the worst pain ever!

The nice thing about giving birth nowadays versus 8 years ago with Julian was that my hubby got to stay and sleep over. He could help me with a lot of things, including warming up meals that my mom prepared for me. Plus he was there to help me with all sort of things! I can't imagine going over that without him!

My mom visited us the same day Sami was born. She right away said Sami looked like her father, my hubby! I couldn't tell, but to me what was important was that she was finally out of my belly without us worrying so much, since I'd the gestational diabetes along with other issues.

And now 85 days later, she is over 5 kg! She drank her last bottle last night at midnight of 150 cc. This morning she only woke up at 7:20 am!!! She was not even fully awake, but I fed her anyway after I'd taken my shower. She drank her 150 cc again, and went back to sleep.

Yesterday she was at our trustful nanny and also slept till 7:15 am. So maybe she was switching it herself, or maybe now back home, with us having switched her room with her brother, Julian's, she gets less bothered by the noises from the construction that is going on in front of our house.

During the day, she doesn't like sleeping much. I guess that's the part she is like me. When I was small, I also didn't drink much or sleep much during the day. I cried a lot as a child. Nicknames were given. Julian wasn't easy at the time too, so I wonder if it was pay-back time for all the crying I'd put my mom and others through as a child.

A lot of people said that I should just accept Sami as being difficult and crying baby. However, something told me something was wrong. I was glad that we kept on pushing, and it turned out she has silent reflux and her tongue plus upper lip ties needed to be cut. It was a shame though that it took that long for us to get help from the medical staff to treat her properly.

Now even though she does cry, but I can accept it. I've also learned to get out with her as I think it's time now for her to get some exposure towards noises and so. She doesn't sleep anyway at home in bed during the day. I may as well get out of the house with her, so that I am happy, then she is happy. Some people feel that I may be selfish, especially when I've got a nanny to take care of her so that I can have some "ME" time. I know not all moms get to do so, or want to do so. What I've learned is that definitely, every mom and every child is different. Everyone's needs is different. I love my children to the moon and back, but I need to have a bit of me to stay alive. After almost 3 months of staying at home, or running to hospitals visits with Sami having been admitted in the hospital for 2 times, and my almost hitting a postnatal depression (even got anti-depressive pills prescribed by the doctor), I think it's important that a mom stays happy, so that the baby can also be happy.

15 more days, I'll be back at work! I don't know how I'm going to manage that, but I know I will eventually like I've always eventually managed to survive, or do better than just suriving.

I'd done blogging in the past, written in both Chinese and English. Just that with the limited time I've, I'm going to just do it in English. And it's just a trial to see if I really want to keep this up. I think it may be good for me to look back and read sometimes. Also, nice to just put this out there, and yes, I've also learned that whatever I put out here, people who read this may give comments of their own, and some I may not be agreeing to. I'll have to accept this fact, and at the same time, others will have respect my decisions or way of thinking.