We moved to our new house just before Christmas with illnesses hanging around in the air in the family. My husband sold his house, so we were practically moving two houses into one. And yes, my house still have plenty of unpacked boxes, and we run into plenty of occasions that I just have to say "I don't know where it is now. It must be in one of the boxes or closets." I still consider it being an achievement now that I can sit in the living room feeling like home. We have plenty of things that still need to be taken care of. Visitors mention often about the holes we have to hang our TV up and even though we have what we need to hang it up, we still have not done so. After having been in relationships, I know there is not much point to chase our men down the throat to get things done around the house and especially when we ourselves cannot do them.
Lately I have been very busy with digging into mindfulness. In the past, if someone were to mention it to me, not only did it sound so abstract and alternative, it seemed to be something that people who have plenty of time to themselves would do. Now that I am older, my life being more hectic, stress level being higher, I notice I am more open-minded to things that can help me. I start with small breathing exercises. I take time to read more about mindfulness. I try not to be behind my smartphone to give myself time in appreciating other things including my children.
Over the years, I have got programmed to auto-piloting. I rush to work after having kissed my love ones goodbye for the day, and then I try my best to concentrate and focus at work. Work has been more stressful than ever with all kinds of craziness. Being a manger means you're stuck between the upper management level and your team's level. There are expectations from others that you have to learn saying no to, because you have to rush to pick your kids from the daycare. At home, I rush to get dinner ready, to get my hungry kids fed, then get them cleaned after they have some 15-30 minutes of play time at home. Then hubby comes home from having been stuck in traffic, and we kiss our kids goodnight and send them to bed. If I am lucky, at 8 pm, I finally can clean up a little bit and relax with a cup of tea and some telly/ social media/ relaxation.
I have started asking myself how I can fit more peace into my life, how to be more gentle to myself. I have programmed myself over the years in such a way that being gentle to myself is not something that is natural to me. It seemed and sometimes still seems to be a selfish thing to do. I have always kept rushing in my life, from one place to another. There is hardly any 5 minutes break in between. I'm always functioning for different purposes, including as a full-time employee, as a mother of two children, as a wife, etc. I do not dare to say I am stressed because if comparing to lives people lead in Asia, where I came from, they have even much more stressful lives than I have. Taking my mother as an example, she practically raised me and my brother alone with a full-time job as my father worked abroad. So I have always had the feeling that I am not entitled to think about my stress because that is part of life.
Now I am learning to give myself some breaks in between, including setting a five minutes time block to myself in my outlook, to remind myself doing some breathing exercise which really does reset my busy head. I learn to slow down by giving myself five minutes when I get home from work, whether it is having a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, or sitting down with a book to read. Yes, a book and not behind Facebook. It is not easy to do this every day, because I am someone who keep pushing myself to do better each day.
Furthermore, I try to bring this into my parenting skills. I give compliments to my love ones. I told my son the other day how much I love seeing his love towards me, towards his little sister, and I would like him to be loving to himself too, not having to proof himself to other kids as he has good things in him. I know this is hard, as I have been there too. It is a phase that every one has to go through.
