About myself.....

When I started blogging here, I focused a lot on Sami's development, especially relating to her reflux journey. Recently, I talked about our journey as a family on a more harmonized family life.

Now I would like to turn the spotlight onto myself for a short moment. A lot has happened in my life, and definitely in the past five years.

After Sami's birth, my life has gotten onto a faster roller coaster, and as a mother, you will continue to fight for your little one, so you do your best to remain strong. I have gone through a period of postnatal depression, which was definitely one of the darkest moments of my life. I was lucky to have my husband to lean onto.


Often families with attention demanding children whether it is medical or due to other reasons are struggling on their own with not as much support as needed. Understanding is hard to obtain, and that's not because people around them don't want to, but it is sometimes just hard for others to know what it really involves.

For instance, reflux children often have bottle and food aversion, and the feedback you get from people around you may not always be helpful, because they don't deal with your situation daily. They have no idea the intensity of this.

Sami's aversion is luckily not as bad as some of the refluxers that I've got to know, but still it's very tricky. We are told that she is now missing certain vitamins, calcium and iron. As a mother, I don't mind her being small and short, but I do want her to be healthy. I try all sort of food, menus, different cooking style to get her eating more. Sometimes my son will get jealous of his little sister for the amount and variety of food that she gets, and when she refuses to eat them, he then finally gets them. Sure enough, I try to make as much for both but that would be way too much, and I try to explain to my son why this is happening. He tries hard to understand.

Refluxers are also known to be poor sleepers. I don't know if this is why Sami doesn't sleep through the night. She is now 19 months, and answering whether she sleeps through that night is like playing Russian roulette. 9 times out of 10, I am the one getting up for her as my husband just can't hear her crying. I don't always run to see her, but I'm awake by her crying. I struggle to fall back to sleep at times or she wakes me up again after I have fallen back to sleep. But the 19 months of broken nights do impact my life.

In general, in the current society, women face an ever-increasing demand on playing the role of multi-tasking. We are expected to work while taking care of things around the house. We are more detailed-orientated, and therefore lots of things are taken care of by us.

I am one of those women. I work full-time, and have two children to take care of. My ex, my son's biological father, has left for China for his career, so Julian is with me the whole time which I don't mind or complain. However, it does take time for my husband and Julian to find their ways to build a step-father & son relationship. It's not easy for either of them. Often I deal with guilty feelings because of this too. I also try to facilitate between them, but sometimes I feel I am stuck between them.

Last year, I have been diagnosed for the first time that I have chronic migraine, which explained a few symptoms I have had in the past years. I am now on lifetime medication, and one of the side effects is gaining weight. So baby fat plus this doesn't make it easy on me, and this puts a heavy load on my self esteem. Comments made by others are harsh but at the same time I think they are true. I have gone fat!

With my illness, my experience in depression, abuse, the usual day-to-day push and rush, and "entirely-for-others" approach, I end up feel drained, hardened and disconnected from the inner me.

In the Chinese culture, we are taught not to think too much about ourselves but others. We give and give. If we don't, then we are selfish. We are told that every one has his/ her own challenges, and our own ones should not be seen as important. We should not be under the spotlights. But is this correct? Should we keep on going?

Once in a while I do get an hour or two for myself, and I go out walking in downtown, or getting shopping for myself and the family. I find myself feeling temporarily relieved, but they are just short-term bandage over the wound within the same cycle, and eventually the same drained feeling returns.

So how do I break this cycle? How can I let go and fix this before I run out of battery? Without an energized mother, how can my kids grow up?

So I have decided to go ahead, reach out for help. At first, I wonder if I'm exaggerating things. But the more I have dug into the issues, the more I have come to realization I want to have this sorted.

My picking up on running, to be out there alone in the cold air free up my mind.

My speaking with a few inspiring people helps my finding ways to deal with scars and move on.

So I would really like to urge any of those who are dealing with all that "pushing-through" action after action, day after day, to not only take care of others, but also themselves.

Yesterday after my blogs were posted, I have received some loving complimenting feedback and a few of them are mothers with reflux children. Some are inspired by the thought of writing. I'm happy because to be inspired is great, and to inspire is even more incredible!

Thoughts behind heading towards a harmonized family...(to be continued)

 

Ever since the summer vacation from my son ended this year, we have had times in the weekends that became unpleasant at home. We did our share of yelling and door slamming, which I am definitely not proud of.

Thus I have decided to make steps to make our lives better in a certain way. It is not to say I'm unhappy with my life, or ungrateful. I'm grateful to be the mother of my two children, and yes even having to deal with the reflux issues my daughter has experienced since birth, plus my son's pre-teen character.

I did say before to others that I have a second child because my hubby (from my 2nd marriage) wants a child. But deep inside, I know it' a gift. A gift to us all. Julian has learnt to become such a gentle brother, helping taking care of his little sister, having so much love towards her that I can't put them into words. Sami loves her big brother too. She would call for him whenever she hears him. I hope they will continuing loving each other and being there for each other.



Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Some people say I should not put a magnifying glass onto the problems, as I might be overreacting and giving more pressure onto it instead. They may be right, but I strongly believe that without proper handling, these won't go away by themselves. We can show our children that we make mistakes as we go along each day. We accept we are not perfect, and may fail. It is OK to fail, and you just get back up and learn from the lessons.

Many of us as parents have to break the cycle we personally grew up in, and we have to work on defining and refining our parenting philosophy and principles. What worked in the past doesn't mean it works now. What worked for one of the children does not mean it would work on another child of yours because every one is different. This is not easy, because it is not familiar to us.

One thing I have learned is not to be judgmental, meaning not expressing my judgement along with my agenda to everyone. It's human nature to judge everything and everyone at all times. There is no escape. It's an evolutionary mechanism buried deep in a part of the brain you have no control over. It's useful when it comes to survival and self protection. Therefore, I try not to be judgmental on others' parenting skills, but I do want to have similar parenting approach together with my husband, as we are partners on this parenthood thing.



Coming from the Chinese background, we have been taught to respect anyone older than us with no conditions attached. You just do! I notice now being an adult and being in the western world as a mom, this principle cannot always be applied. I struggle at times to find the right definition of respect to teach my son. These days children want to understand why before they can accept your ideas. That's OK, as that means they are doing more thinking than just being programmed.




Recently, I have tried my utmost (yes, more than just "my best") to be more gentle on the parenting front. Just this Saturday, after my son did his book presentation in front of us, I gave him immediately with positive feedback, followed by some improvement points. This is a skill I need to work hard on, because I grew up in the environment that I often received only negative feedback. As a child, I felt I never could make my parents proud of me, and therefore I pushed myself to be a perfectionist by achieving flying scores. I know maybe without that push, I might have achieved with what I've now today, but I do think it did have an impact on my self image.

In addition to this, I work on being a facilitator, to manage the communication skills between my son and my hubby. They are in a way similar, because they both can be blunt and explosive verbally. I try to jump into their conversation when necessary by providing suggestions on how they can rephrase their sentences without escalating a conversation while getting their points through.



In a way, it does take up a lot of energy from me, but it gives positive vibes back unlike being frustrated only if I were to join their explosive heavy discussion. Furthermore, I have taken the opportunity to get out with my son on a Sunday to have lunch together. We don't go out often as a family because of my daughter's nap time. I miss being out. Anyway, that did some good to us. Next to that, I had two hours to myself after my son went to take his Chinese class. I shopped for some running gear, and met up with my high school friend from Hong Kong who moved to Holland recently to chat. It was very pleasant.

I still had the guilty feeling when coming home, seeing a tired husband with a cranky toddler. I need to learn how to deal with this guilty feeling.

Luckily, I'm surrounded by a few people who can give me positive energy, and support me in their amazing ways that I could not have imagined. They insprire me and remind me things that I may not be able to see immediately. They hold my hand and say everything will be okay.



 

Sami, our little reflux fighter, 19 months old!!!

Time does go by faster with Sami growing a bit older, even though she is still not yet fully off the reflux medication that she is taking since 6 weeks old, Nexium. She is a fighter, someone with a strong character! And sometimes that explains why she complained so much when she was in so much pain with the reflux and infections bothering her. On the other hand, that's how she has managed to keep smiling whenever she gets to. Showing us how proud she is of her own achievement. She takes her time to show her milestones, but when she does, she lets us know she is ready for it. This is also why I am so proud of her!

 

 

Recently, I made a post on my Facebook telling others how grateful I am being a mom for Julian, and Sami, that I have learned to be more conscious about gentle peaceful parenting. It's a great learning process for and funnily enough, I am happy to be in it, though sometimes I struggle.

 

Then a mom who has a reflux child has asked me if that is because she is doing better, and that's why I feel better.

Maybe that I've more sleep, so more patience.

 

Actually that's not really the reason. Sami is still small to her age, size wise. We struggle with feeding at times, and her food aversion from reflux poor days gets complicated when toddler hits her (or us!). She tells us clearly what she won't allow to be presented in front of her as being food. We have followed diary free diet for over 6 months now. We don't know if it really has helped, and she is getting smarter to know we are trying to give her non-diary substitute, such as rice milk, so she has started to refuse those too. From the latest report from the diet specialist, she scores low on certain vitamins, calcium and iron. When telling some people, they would suggest to force her eating them, or they just make comments about my not having tried hard enough. Sometimes the amount of food I make can actually feed a few families, and the amount of food that ends up on the floor is so much that Sami should donate to the 3rd world countries.

 

And about sleep.... I still get up often at night for her. Sometimes I don't get up, but her crying does wake me up. At times I am too tired to get out. At times looking at the web-cam from my smart phone (thanks to the technology available these days!!!), I know she may be just crying over a dream. I am finding it harder to get out of bed in the morning simply because my body is just too tired and worn out after a long period of missing my bed.

 

 

 

So where do I get patience from? Well, no where... it's something I have to learn and earn. It's something that I must recharge myself. I have realized that I've waited long enough not to do anything about it but to complain over it. So after having spoken with a few inspiring people, I realized that there are other ways to handle this.

 

They have inspired me how I could look at things differently.

They have encouraged me to seek for help and support.

They have lent me a listening ear.

 

 

 

Surely, all these smiles I get back give me courage to keep moving in our busy hectic daily lives.

 

 

Recent visit at the pediatrician had brought us worries, as she was wondering if she had immunodeficiency. So poor girl, I had to have Sami's legs tightly held between my legs, her right arm under my armpit, and both hands holding her left arm. There were two nurses helping to hold her down and get blood out of her. Because of her small blood veins, we had to wait long for each drop of blood to fill up that tube for an extensive blood test. I felt so sorry for her, but I held my tears back, kept on talking to her to let her know that soon it would be over.

 

Luckily, the results came back alright, but the question remains why she is as often sick as she is. No idea. The pediatrician still wants to go ahead with giving her 6 weeks of antibiotics to see how her body would react to it. I just have strong doubts on it, so eventually we decided not to go ahead with this.

 

I am writing this not to ask for people's attention on us, but hope to help you inspiring others on how hard sometimes it is for families having an attention demanding child. Give these families some support, even if that is as little as just a hello. Don't be judgmental on their choices, because they are making their choices the best way they can.

 

And for those families who are still in this game, fighting for good health for your little ones. You have no idea how great your hearts are, and I hope soon one day you all can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't underestimate how much love you have in your hearts!

 

I still want to thank those who have been giving me support in this, even if they are just small messages left on Facebook in encouraging us. Thank you!

More steps taken to a more harmonized family (to be continued)

Ever since I have became more open about this to a couple people who have been giving me a lot of inspirations and courage, I have been more conscious of what is going on within myself as well as my family.

Over the years, I have been told by some people I care and love that I am a selfish person. I often ask myself the question why they see me like that. I try to then feed them with what they ask from me so that they won't call me as such. I have always believed in putting a mirror in front of myself, and see what others see. And I do think in general, I like to keep pleasing everyone.

Now stepping out of myself, and looking at how I then function as a mother of two children, and wife of my husband. Maybe I am putting a lot of pressure on them by wanting a perfect family picture. Maybe I am trying to accomplish what I want to (over)-compensate what I have missed out in my childhood and adulthood.

 

After having talked to a friend who is a professional counsellor whom I'm very grateful for having met her, I start to realize that the scars that I have put bandages on over the years myself are not just visibly there, but also have impact on whom I am now. I didn't realize the need to heal those scar tissues is that important to me and to my family. I have always stayed strong, wiped my tears and moved on. I didn't want others to think I'm just feeling all sorry for myself or asking for unnecessary attention. This friend told me that ever since she has met me, she noticed that there are lots of underlying issues, like an onion that needs to be peeled. She wondered why I worried so much about my own parenting skills, when she thought I was doing good. She said it is normal that I don't want to make a big deal out of my own matters, but getting closure and not letting these situations take me back affecting my life today is just as important.


So after a few upcoming busy time, I will start to look for the right help to sort myself out. I know putting this out on Internet means coming forward, and people who know me may read this. It's not easy to admit my having weak spots, but I would like those who may be struggling at home in their own corners to do the same. And for spouse and partners, including my hubby, I would like to ask for your support in this. Without your support, we cannot make this. And when I say support, it is not just giving an extra kiss here and there, but it's about accepting who we are, and forgiving us when we snap just because things are becoming too much.

Steps taken to be back on track...(to be continued)

After my post on trying to find harmony in the family, and sharing it out in public, I was acknowledged by others, valuing my courage to expose my vulnerability. They acknowledged the fact that parenting isn't easy, and that it is OK to share and to learn together. There is no perfect family, but it's how you feel that makes it perfect. I'm happy to see those positive thoughts instead of some competitive comments made at times by friends, or family.

I have been feeling overwhelmed simply by a lot of things that have happened in the past and presence. I don't want my past to haunt me, as I believe we live in the presence, and we should not let our past to influence us too much.

And yes, I don't dare to ask for "me" time, as I feel it would be a selfish thing to ask for. This could be because of my cultural background, and what happened in my first marriage. I often was told being a selfish person though others have told me that I have never been.

Luckily, my husband supports me. Yesterday I texted him to tell him that once Sami has gone to bed, I would like to go out for a run to start exercising again. And we did it! I felt GOOD and luckily it was not raining, so I had a good day to start running, even though it was dark out there.



Sami has not been a great sleeper since birth, and we don't know why apart from thinking it is because of her health. Maybe out of love and protection, my husband doesn't like the idea of getting a babysitter to come into our house to watch the kids. I miss really having date nights or a quiet dinner without kids in a bit more fancy restaurant than a cafe. I miss having girls nights out too. Yet, this is what I've traded in for when I became a mother for the second time.



Yesterday, Julian came home and when I reminded him that he had to study for his history test for today, he was anything but pleased. So I asked him if he wanted to get good grades for it and why he doesn't like studying it. He said it was stupid and useless anyway in the future. I acknowledged his feelings, told him that I also felt the same way and hated it as a child. However, I learned then the older I become, the more useful history is, because it became common sense. And without history, there is no presence. We are making the history each day in fact. After that, he took 15 minutes and managed to finish studying it properly.

After that, I had a short talk with him during dinner. I told him that I love him loads and will always remain loving him. I asked him if he loves me, and he said yes. Then I told him that it upsets me a lot when we end up yelling at each other. I asked him to put his thinking pet on, and if he can come up with ways to stop us yelling at each other. He came up with the idea to make a board sign that says "STOP". Whenever one is about to yell, the other would then use that sign to remind the agreement made. I told him I was proud that he came up with this, and that he could make this on Wednesday when he has the afternoon off from school.

Another trigger I think of that I listed the other day, is his not being prepared for his football training or competition. So I told him that I feel sad to see him being frustrated whenever he needs to look for things at the last minute which gives everyone extra stress. I asked him if he could come up with some suggestions to change that. He thought for a second and told me that maybe he could use a box to put all those things in there. And if they are in the laundry, he would put a note in it to remind himself that. I told him that he can give that a try and see if that works well for him.

After these conversations, I let him to watch a nice movie which I think is also educational for him. He loved it and was thankful for being allowed to watch a movie. I at the same time had time to take care of his little sister without yelling back and forth of what he would need to do.

So all in all, I am glad I've opened up, and let people see what I'm going through. Often I catch myself being so occupied with daily stress that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe it just takes some small adjustment in the way we communicate with our kids, then some changes will take place. I am not expecting a miracle to happen overnight, but I am happy to make a start.

I am a strong believer in peaceful parenting, rather than the traditional way that I was brought up in. My mom used to physically punish me, and that was something normal at the time, so please don't get me wrong, I'm not judging my mom on this. Yet, I do think by overpowering a child would not help them understand what message we are trying to pass to them, and what lesson they should be learning. Yes, in the adult world, there is real punishment in which for some people it works and for others it does not. But let's give our children the room to develop in a positive peaceful way.



To be continued.....

Harmony in the family

I admit we are missing some harmony in the family. Every weekend I wonder if we can go through it without any fights or yelling in the house.

What is happening? It is mostly coming down to issues regarding how to bring up Julian, my son, my hubby's stepson. He is turning 10 in November.



Honestly I cannot tell whether he is a good boy or not, though I do have faith in him, and think he is with a good heart. Just that I have had people criticizing him for not being an easy kid, or for not listening, or for lying, etc. I often comfort myself that it will pass, and it's just a phase. I tell myself as long as I keep loving him, showing him love, it will be OK.

But will it be okay? And these days I question my parenting skills too. I have doubts in myself. I find myself exploding more often than I would like to admit, and I am not proud of it.

Then there is my hubby who struggles with my parenting skills as well as Julian's misbehaviour. He is more traditional than I am, it turns out, even though he was born and raised in the western world. Sometimes the traditional way means regaining control by overpowering Julian with more yelling, threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, and ultimatums. But this to me creates a bigger issue, and all three of us end up all upset.

So I question myself what triggers our explosions in the house? Let me name some of them:

• Not getting up on time for school even though we asked him to go to bed on time and set his alarm.
• Not going to bed on time.
• Not coming home on time from school.
• Not willing to do a few household chores that he should be capable of doing and these chores have always been assigned to him.
• Not having done his home work or prepared his tests for school. Getting him to start is always a big issue.
• Not having got his things ready such as his football training clothing or football game clothing ready, ending up last minute panic. I did remind him each time a day or two in advance.
• Wanting more screen time, such as TV, or computer, or smart phone devices.
• Being slow in things like going under the shower, getting changed or dressed.
• Basically pushing the boundaries over and over again even though we have been strict on these.

Because of these triggers, we end up snapping, instead of being in control of our own feelings, then Julian snaps back. Boom! Our conflict escalates!

I really want to get ourselves back on track, to be more committed as a family to more peaceful and respectful communication. Maybe we need to have some non-judgmental listening, relaxation, and reconnection.

I do realize I must let go of feeling being a single mom of Julian's, since when my hubby is being harsh on Julian, I feel he has no or less unconditional love than what I have with Julian. I blame myself for that. I do certainly know my hubby is doing his best, and he is thrown into parenthood overnight. I cannot make him to feel connected with my son as if Julian was his own son. I feel bad that Julian has some personality from my ex, and that doesn't come down well with my hubby then.

I also want to work on my parenting skills. I feel I have used up my patience when I was with my ex, as I tolerated all things that he did. Now I sometimes feel as if I want to re-gain control. I know I should not do so by being impatient on Julian. Just that when Sami is being demanding during dinner time (such as not eating or throwing all food onto the floor), and one of the above triggers happens, then my switch just snaps! I seriously don't know how I can be less stressed. At times I'm alone and sometimes that's good. At times I get more stressed when knowing my hubby can be even more tough on him than I would do. I don't know how to get my hubby to see more of the goodness in Julian than all the negative things that show in the spotlight.

Of course, when the stress level builds up so high, I should take a break, walk away from the situation and let my grey clouds above my head blow away. Just that often I cannot do so because I am tied up with commitments with both kids. I feel these days trapped as well, since I run from work to home, and from home to work. Yes, luckily, recently Julian started his bi-weekly Chinese class again, so that I do get roughly 2 hours to myself. Even though I have this feeling, I don't dare to demand alone time either as my hubby also is devoting his time from home to work, and from work to home. Plus I'm just physically tired too after a day of marathon with the kids and with work.

My hubby did take a workshop on "How to talk to kids", and he has ordered the books online. However, I think we all struggle too on how to put these in practice. I used to do it better, but now I am struggling more and more.

Parenting is hard work. I am not going to tell my children that I don't make mistakes and that I am always right. I am NOT God. I am not ashamed to admit I don't have it all under control, because I believe by accepting my imperfection, I can then move onto improving myself to become a better me.

So please, if any of you have any good suggestions on how I can make this work, I would be very pleased to know.

Toddler time..... 18 months and 10 days

Here we are... 18 months and 10 days of having Sami in our Family. People who know me or have followed my story know we have done a bit of struggling to get to where we are. We are not at the end of the tunnel concerning Sami's reflux but we are dealing with it in a more skillful way. Now when I see on Facebook messages from someone I don't know about having a reflux baby, I immediately would like to offer some help, simply because I know I've been there. I want to show them my compassion towards them even I don't know them, simply because I know how much that can mean to someone. I know those dark days well, and it is hard to explain to those who haven't been through this or any other challenging moments with a baby.

The one very nice thing I like about Facebook's functionality is its popping up automatically what have been posted in the previous years on the day. It brings back a lot of good memories, and when I see the bad experiences that were posted, then I can tell myself we have made it. I feel grateful for what I have now.

I must say though the turning point for me on really enjoying the time with Sami is her turning 18 months old. I really enjoy my Saturday morning with her, when my hubby brings Julian to play his football match. Sami and I would have breakfast together, and get ready to go out for some groceries shopping. Even though going alone is sometimes tricky with her demanding to get out and walk these days and her screaming in the buggy because she is not allowed to, I still enjoy it.

I find myself being able to enjoy it because I know what toddler can mean. (OK, I may hit myself with a stick later on realizing I actually don't know enough.... but for now, let me enjoy the moment of it.)



Toddler means they understand partially of what you say, and often it's not the part that you want them to understand or they only understand the last word of the sentence you are saying such as "you are not getting anymore cookies" = "COOKIES", or "we will have to get into the car first before we go for a walk" = "WALK". Then they get awfully frustrated at us for not sticking to the promises made. They cry with real tears, and sometimes can go as far as coughing or choking acts from mega crying. I have learned to ignore it when necessary, even it means I need to sing loud in my head to focus on driving, because keeping us safe on the road is more important than pleasing a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Toddler also means they can switch from a screaming kid to a smiling or laughing angel within a second, even with tears still dropping. Those are the moments we must try our best to remember and hang on to, because these are like water in desert. I love the moments like seeing Sami exploring her world upside down between her legs, or Sami talking more and more.

What I've learned from Julian's toddler days is to stay communicative and consistent. Toddlers like things being predictable, and in general, we must tell children at all age anyway of what they can expect happening or what our expectations are within the next coming 10 minutes, or 1 hour, or week, or month, or year. This makes it easier for kids to accept when they have little choices than to accept our decisions.

On the other hand, even toddlers already would like to have choices. I try being clear on what choices are given. I try to let go of some control to limit the drama which we may get in return. Does it really matter to us whether our child wants a green tee or a pink tee? No, so let the child choose, but make sure you do so for example the night before and explain to the child that this is the decision we will stick with the next morning when getting dressed. And when there are occasions that there aren't really a choice, then I would limit it by saying for example "food or sleep".



I remember loving the age of 3 as that was when my son could express himself much better. So I have now one and half year to bite through this stage, but it's still a lot easier than having to deal with health issues.