Good days and bad days

Definitely with a baby, you can have a great day and then followed by a bad day. I'd that yesterday.

Yesterday Sami did sleep well in the morning, but she somehow started drinking not so well for some reason. We went out briefly, shorter than we had been doing the last couple days. She slept a bit in the pram, probably some 30-40 mins. By the time we got home, I'd her fed and hoped she would sleep as she seemed very tired. She slept for 10 mins and woke up crying. I do put her to bed most of the time with her being still awake, and the other times it's purely because she got so knocked out after drinking her bottle that I won't bother to wake her up to put her to bed. Anyway, she hardly slept then, and so my next hope, and I mean feeding was around the block again. So I fed her, and she fell asleep as well, but for only 5 mins followed by crying. I often first let her moan a bit, or cry a bit before really going to her. Just that this technique only works well in the morning but not that well later on during the day. She slept then maybe for 30 mins, and then I finally took her out after letting her moan a bit longer.

Anyway, everyday is a new day to me, and everyday I've new hopes.

87 days.... 13 days left before her 100 days and before my going back to work

I have to say I've real mixed feelings about going back to work. On one hand, I really want to be me again at work, being able to stay focus, concentrated, productive, and in control. On the other hand, now that it seems like finally the last 1-2 weeks I'm getting a hang of this whole new motherhood thing with my 2nd child, I've to go back to work. I can get used to now getting up in the morning, having my quiet easy start while Sami goes back to sleep after her 6-7 o'clock bottle. Then in the afternoon, going out with her is something we both seem to finally being able to enjoy.

Yesterday was one of the best days. Sami slept till 10:30 am, so I gave her the bottle later than scheduled. After that, we went to town to have dim sum with my mom by taking the metro. She was happily in the pram in the restaurant, staring at the fake crystal lights. She was so fascinated by it that she fell asleep eventually. I could just enjoy my lunch without worrying about her. Then we went to a photo studio as I've this coupon for one photo taken between 0-3 months, then 4-6 months, 7-9 months and 10-12 months. When we got there, I had to get her nappy changed first, and luckily they even have a changing mat there! As she slept well, so she was a happy camper, and did very well. She only cried once but that was busy she wasn't sitting comfortably.

And certainly, the studio would do their best to sell more photo products to the parents by taking more than just one. And parents are sold by the fact that they can't make the same set themselves, or it can never be guaranteed that the child would cooperate as well as he/ she just did there. So most probably I would get a set of photos from them. I'm curious to see the outcome. They even let me and my mom being on the photos. Hope they will turn out to be good.

After the photos were taken, I fed Sami in the department store where they have sufficient space for me to do so. Then she just slept in her pram again while I went doing some shopping. And once we got home, I decided to let her in her box, not wanting to struggle with running up to her room with her crying her lungs out. She slept a bit there too. Is it a good thing to do? Probably I would get so many people saying no, I should have put her up in her room. But now I've learned to just go with my feelings. Certainly, most of the time, I put her in her room to let her sleep, and yes, she would cry before she falls asleep. But seeing this time she slept quite a bit already throughout the day, I can live with that.

And so this was one of the days I would probably miss in the future. Soon I'll have to rush to the daycare after work to pick up both kids, then run home to get dinner ready for the family, and hopefully Sami would take a short nap while I do this. Then get her sorted, and get both kids cleaned and off to bed. My hubby won't probably be home yet to help. I know I should be able to handle this, as I must, yet I'm a bit anxious about it. Sometimes I wish the society could provide more support to moms who work. Women are expected to do so much more these days, and they are constributing also to the society. Yet, when they are off from work, they still have to pick up most of the things at home. If you're lucky, you may have a man who is very keen and hands-on with kids and household. Otherwise, you're pretty much on your own. That's what I feel.

So you can imagine then why I've mixed thoughts on going back to work. Also, for the last 2-3 years, I'm used to have a nanny for Julian for 5 days a week. Now he will be home with us on the Wednesday's and Friday's, as he and his sister will go to the daycare 3 times per week. I'm really hoping I can get this worked out well. I love Julian, but sometimes when you're in stress, it's hard to be doing positive parenting.

Being a mom means improvising

Being a mom means improvising, that's because whenever something happens suddenly, we have to come up with solutions immediately for our kids.

This morning after my hubby got out of shower, he told me that there was no water supply all of sudden. It turns out that we didn't get the notice, but there was work being done in the street further down that we won't have water till noon today. Ok, we could skip taking a shower, and we could brush our teeth with the little water supply we had, but what about Sami's bottles that were used and not yet rinsed?!

First thing I did was to call the water supply company who seemed to know nothing about the water supply issue. Then I went downstairs to the constructors who were putting a building in front of our house down, and they told me that it was planned that we would have no water due to the work done further down. I went afterwards to the supermarket that is under our apartment, and there I could use their tap to clean Sami's bottles, and fill up an one-litre bottle as water reserve. Luckily, I don't mind asking the people at the supermarket, and they are nice enough to let us use their water. I even could just walk down there with the baby phone. That's another convenience I've with a supermarket below my apartment.

Improvising is something being a mom that has to be activated. Just like the other time when Julian came home while it was planned that he would go with another mom to play in a korfball game, but it turned out he was supposed to be on the bike in order to ride along. Well, I'd Sami home, but luckily I also had some visitors who could watch Sami for the ten minutes I'd to be away, so that I could bring Julian over there anyway.

Never ask me "why did you do this?" or "why didn't you do this?"

 

I remember well that one thing I really hate people asking me is "why didn't you do this?" or "why did you do this...?". As actually those people who asked the question actually wanted you to do certain things. I prefer people rephrasing it and giving a suggestion instead of asking me why I didn't or did certain thing different from what they want to suggest.

I once said to my hubby that he should not ask Julian then why he did certain bad things, since often as a child, I remember when my parents asked me why I misbehaved, I'd no answer to that. I couldn't think of why. And definitely even if a child misbehaves to get certain attention, he or she sure won't tell you because he/ she wants attention from you.

I got annoyed today from my nanny who temporarily is babysitting Julian on why I won't leave Sami more often downstairs. I said that's because I want to get Sami some quiet moments to calm down and probably sleep if she wants to. She then said I should keep her downstairs to get her more used to being around noises and I would not have to run up and down the stairs. This nanny is a good nanny in the sense that she makes it very clear to Julian where the boundary is. However, she often asks questions like why I don't spend more time with Julian, or why I don't lend more books from the library more often than I do now....etc. Well, if I could, I would, but for now, I'm doing what I can and I don't think Julian is missing out so awful lot, if I compare my childhood with his. Certainly, we all can go the library and lend books for the kids as often as once a week instead of my 3-6 weeks, or we can go to different classes with our kids. Just that sometimes these days, we tend to do so much more, thinking that's a must.

It's easy to make comments to others, but what I've learned recently is that we need to watch out when giving comments or suggestions to others. By rephrasing the words, the music is already so much different for the person who receives it.

Was it postnatal depression?

When I just delivered Julian, my eldest son who is now 8, turning nine this November, I was on the edge of having postnatal depression. I felt really remote from friends and family. Julian was a crying baby, and I felt very lonely with having to deal with his crying alone during the day. I went to the family doctor in the area where I used to live, and he only prescribed me with some vitamin pills. I went to a social worker asking for help, and all I got was a waiting list of 10 weeks. I eventually went back to work earlier than anticipated from my maternity leave, so that I had some control back in my life again.

Now this time, eight years later, with my being older, and having a very lovely husband, I thought I won't have to deal with depression again. Yet, I started getting all the signals especially when Sami was crying a lot, and that scared me.

• a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
• loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
• lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
• disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night even when the baby is sleeping
• difficulties with concentration and making decisions
• low self-confidence
• poor appetite
• feelings of guilt and self-blame
• feelings of regrets having a baby
• thinking if I do get as far as wanting to hurt the baby, I would hurt myself first

All these were telling me I'd to do something about it. Initially I thought she just refused to sleep in her own bed because she was spoilt by us holding her too often. We were told as she was so tiny, she really longed for being held to give her a comfort safe feeling.

I started seeking for help not only for myself but also for Sami. She got hospitalized and that was when I could take a break. When she was in the hospital, I was in a way glad that she was there, that I could be alone again! I stopped breastfeeding after having discussed with my family doctor, as the advantages of breastfeeding don't outweight the risk of my getting a depression. I was glad then that I could finally be detached from my child. I felt so guilty feeling so, and found it hard to express these feelings to others. Luckily, my hubby has been great, though it has been tough on him also. On top of that, I did get a lot of support from a facebook mother supporting group! I threw out a lot of frustrations and feelings on there, and many people really left great supporting comments. Some even came by to talk to me or drove me to the hospital when I couldn't drive after the c-section.

The recovery from the c-section didn't make it easier on me, as it was longer than expected. Even up till today, I still have pain in my belly. That made it harder, as I was just physically drained.

My hubby is a freshman in terms of being a father. It's all new to him, and that's also different, since to me, this is my second time being a mom. When being new to parenthood together as a couple, I think you kind of make your way through together, like growing into it together. It has nothing to do with him not willing to do things, as that's not the case at all, but I somehow gave myself more pressure than necessary.

I eventually went to the family doctor on this. Apart from stopping with the breastfeeding, he referred me to the psychologist. I had 3-4 sessions with her, and I have to say that didn't help me much, apart from my recognizing my issues. My being always productive, in control, doing things in a high speed, having high standards and expectations, etc, all these are great when you're at work. But at home, with a baby, that doesn't work well, as it's not like the harder you work, you will get immediate results right away.

Not everyone in my surroundings can help or understand my situation. I felt also that I'd to feel being lucky to be granted such a lovely child, and that I am being a mom for the 2nd time, so I should be able to do this. Also, my son being 8 years old, should be so easy comparing to those having toddlers running around. I felt I'd no right to be complaining, yet I couldn't feel any joy, especially when others congratulated us and told me to enjoy the time. I really wanted to ask, "what kind of enjoyment do you mean?!" I felt I was being like a teenager mom, for having got pregnant accidentially and having regrets, while this pregnancy was planned. The pregnancy was full of bumpy roads, like heavy bleeding, gestational diabetes and pelvis instability. So I knew I was supposed to be glad.

YET, I DIDN'T!!!!

Eventually after weeks of research, and being rather agressive (not physically) on medical staff, we finally found out Sami has silent reflux which she is getting 200% dosage of medication, plus her tongue tie and upper lip tie being cut helped her to drink better. We went to osteopathy, and that seemed to have helped her too to calm down. Once she started to sleep a bit better with less crying, I started to relax more.

We still have got ups and downs, especially when she just had her vaccination, or when she got her tongue tie and so cut. Also, we have noticed she hardly sleeps during the day. I tried staying home with her all day long to let her having sufficient rest. I tried keeping her in bed, but she would just cry. I tried not picking her up, I tried holding her, I tried.... everything, or nothing! But none of those helped. And that made me really frustrated but also insecure about myself being a mother.

Then gradually I told myself I'd to get out of this, so I decided to get out with her more often during the day, since she won't sleep anyway at home. At least out there, even though she is with me, her crying doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as when we are at home. She does sometimes cry the whole trip in the car, which can drive you insane, but then I told myself I can't help her when I'm driving. And if by talking to her or singing to her won't calm her down, then I may as well shut my brain up a bit, and concentrate on getting us home without going crazy.

So I started going out with her. First with my hubby, then with my mom, after that alone. Of course, during all doctors' visits, I went out with Sami, but those were obligations. And now after having done this alone, I find it comforting to see she can sleep in her pram, while I can still have some time to either get things done, or to meet up with people. It's better than my brain going on and on thinking whether she is sleeping or not. It really got to the point where I started hearing things, thinking she was crying while she wasn't.

So what helped me from being away from a postnatal depression? Not the drugs that I got prescribed, as I didn't dare to take them due to the side-effects shown. Not from the talks with the psychologist. It was more like right proper support from the right people. These days you do have to fight to get the right support. And I'm also very grateful for having some friends helping me, giving me support!

At the same time, I really hope that we all would give all mothers the best support we can give to them. Recently on the news in Hong Kong, there was a single mom with 2 kids (her eldest son at similar age as my son, and a daughter of 1.5 years old), who suffered from postnatal depression and didn't get the right support and help, ended up chopping her daugther to death. Her eldest son stood in front of the apartment door, and could you imagine what kind of impact that would give on his life? And poor woman! Some people would blam her, but in fact, for a woman being abandoned by the husband with two kids, and having a depression without much help granted, I feel sorry for her. I don't agree with what she had done, but I really could imagine how far one could get at a certain point.

I'm lucky to have been able to steer away from a postnatal depression. When one gets ill from having a cold or whatever, the person won't feel ashame to tell others about it. With depression, people don't often dare to say it out loud to avoid being judged. It's almost like a taboe while it shouldn't be. No one wants to be depressed, and often it's not like you make yourself depressed! It's hard to admit having an issue, then getting the right help. So I hope we all can try our best to give the support we can give, instead of just staying away thinking that the person is busy or telling them everythiing would be fine.

85 days ago....

85 days ago, I went into the hospital anxiously with my hubby, as we had a planned c-section, since our little girl decided to be in a frank breech for months. We decided not to let the hospital try to turn her, as I believe she was in that position for a reason.

I remember so well everything that happened that day. We got in there on time, as Julian was staying with my mother already the night before. We had to wait for a bit. The nurse put all that was needed on me, including the glucose IV, just that she did the wrong setting, so my glucose level went sky high all of sudden. Luckily we found it on time and all was ok again. Going by the lift downstairs in my bed made me nervous. My hubby stayed with me the whole time. Once we were waiting to get into the OR, they had to change all the gloves as I thought I was only allergic to rubber and not to latex. Anyway, for safety measures, they changed them including cleaning the air. The OR was smaller than I expected, less blue, more white. They were comforting me worrying that I would be scared with so many staff there. That was my least fear! I was more scared of the surgery itself, since I never had one!

Once all was ready and I was drugged, I could not feel my lower part of the body apart from their pushing and pulling. And within minutes, Sami was there! My hubby wasn't scared and looked over the screen to witness her being brought out (or pulled out actually). She was being brought away by the doctor to be examinated before she was brought to me. What a tiny creature!!!

Because I had some side effects from the drugs, so I'd to be monitored in a resting room after the surgery. Sami and my hubby went back upstairs, and she was fed with the breast milk that I expressed with a lot of effort prior the delivery. It was worthy, as her glucose level was getting too low.

When I was back upstairs with them, I was still drugged so I didn't feel much pain. I was overwhelmed by the joy and happiness. I couldn't resist not holding her in my arms. I fed her though my breast milk wasn't up and running yet. Now thinking back, she was so tiny. She was only 2650 grams at birth.

Once the anestheic was getting out of my system, I really needed to get painkillers. They gave me mofine type painkillers, along with another painkiller. I could hardly move, but because they had to dress me, I had to roll on my side. That was one of the worst pain ever!

The nice thing about giving birth nowadays versus 8 years ago with Julian was that my hubby got to stay and sleep over. He could help me with a lot of things, including warming up meals that my mom prepared for me. Plus he was there to help me with all sort of things! I can't imagine going over that without him!

My mom visited us the same day Sami was born. She right away said Sami looked like her father, my hubby! I couldn't tell, but to me what was important was that she was finally out of my belly without us worrying so much, since I'd the gestational diabetes along with other issues.

And now 85 days later, she is over 5 kg! She drank her last bottle last night at midnight of 150 cc. This morning she only woke up at 7:20 am!!! She was not even fully awake, but I fed her anyway after I'd taken my shower. She drank her 150 cc again, and went back to sleep.

Yesterday she was at our trustful nanny and also slept till 7:15 am. So maybe she was switching it herself, or maybe now back home, with us having switched her room with her brother, Julian's, she gets less bothered by the noises from the construction that is going on in front of our house.

During the day, she doesn't like sleeping much. I guess that's the part she is like me. When I was small, I also didn't drink much or sleep much during the day. I cried a lot as a child. Nicknames were given. Julian wasn't easy at the time too, so I wonder if it was pay-back time for all the crying I'd put my mom and others through as a child.

A lot of people said that I should just accept Sami as being difficult and crying baby. However, something told me something was wrong. I was glad that we kept on pushing, and it turned out she has silent reflux and her tongue plus upper lip ties needed to be cut. It was a shame though that it took that long for us to get help from the medical staff to treat her properly.

Now even though she does cry, but I can accept it. I've also learned to get out with her as I think it's time now for her to get some exposure towards noises and so. She doesn't sleep anyway at home in bed during the day. I may as well get out of the house with her, so that I am happy, then she is happy. Some people feel that I may be selfish, especially when I've got a nanny to take care of her so that I can have some "ME" time. I know not all moms get to do so, or want to do so. What I've learned is that definitely, every mom and every child is different. Everyone's needs is different. I love my children to the moon and back, but I need to have a bit of me to stay alive. After almost 3 months of staying at home, or running to hospitals visits with Sami having been admitted in the hospital for 2 times, and my almost hitting a postnatal depression (even got anti-depressive pills prescribed by the doctor), I think it's important that a mom stays happy, so that the baby can also be happy.

15 more days, I'll be back at work! I don't know how I'm going to manage that, but I know I will eventually like I've always eventually managed to survive, or do better than just suriving.

I'd done blogging in the past, written in both Chinese and English. Just that with the limited time I've, I'm going to just do it in English. And it's just a trial to see if I really want to keep this up. I think it may be good for me to look back and read sometimes. Also, nice to just put this out there, and yes, I've also learned that whatever I put out here, people who read this may give comments of their own, and some I may not be agreeing to. I'll have to accept this fact, and at the same time, others will have respect my decisions or way of thinking.