11 months and 2 days... Impact of having a child with more attention needed in a family

Ok, apart from talking about how less sleep we are getting in the household with a baby having got reflux and being often sick, there is definitely a lot more to it.



Being on a few facebook support groups related to reflux babies, I come across a few hot topics or situations which we often run into and have trouble saying them out loud without offending anyone.

1. The cliche of men being asleep while women are the ones out at night trying to calm their babies down before the rest of the world is woken up by them. For some reason, some men are just well equipped to be knocked out once their heads hit the pillows. I feel in a way sorry for them, since it's like snoring, which is something you may not be able to control it yourself. Just that, it does put a lot of pressure on the women, as well as on the relationship/ marriage. With us, my hubby can often sleep through the crying of our little girl. I've had moments that I wish to kick him out of bed, but on the other hand, I am like, "well, I'm awake already, so why bother waking up another person in this household who does manage to sleep through it.". So often I find myself being up for countless times at night, and having a hard time going back to sleep.
2. With our little girl being more "tricky", it's hard to find a babysitter who is willing to take her, and whom we can trust for us to get away for a dinner out just the two of us. And I am not even talking about finding someone who is willing to do so with a reasonable price. Besides, my hubby also hates the idea of leaving our little girl with someone he doesn't know well enough. So what happens is then that we hardly get to be only husband and wife, without the name tags "mom and dad".
3. Sex, or the lack of it. It's hard to have the intimacy again without wondering if I'm hearing my little girl's cry. In the past, having a long sex session would be enjoyable and fun. Now either sleep is crying out loud for my attention, or I just want to make sure I can enjoy while I still can, so a quickie is more my cup of tea these days.
4. Managing a household. Having kids with full-time demanding jobs, plus trying to have a clean house isn't easy at all. And then you still want to have reasonably healthy meals on the table. How do you do that?
5. Giving the attention your other kids in the family they deserve, without snapping at them when stress hormones are high. My 1st child is now 9 years old, so luckily he understands well that his younger sister needs the attention because she is little and has been sick. Yet, his age does require attention too from me, just not the same kind of attention my daughter is needing from me. Also, the challenge I've is that my daughter's father is the stepfather of my son, and therefore, with just ordinary families, whereby often the father would spend time with the other kids while the mom takes care of the youngest, isn't really the case for us. It does give us all more pressure.

Ok, these all do sound negative, and do make you think when this will change. Well, I can only say to myself and others that it will come to an end one day. One day, our little ones are no longer refluxing, teething, having a cold or whatever illness they are bound to get, and are having so much fun with eating, sleeping, playing and all, we will be able to look back and be proud of what we have accomplished.

There will be plenty of good days, but also bad days. Life is full of bad days. In some ways, real happiness would not be possible without it. It helps us appreciate and savor the things that really matter. It helps us grow, and help us help others grow.We just have to try to manage our tough moments. Put things in perspective. We will always have some regrets and doubts in life. We may always second guess ourselves. If only we had said this, or tried that. I've learned I'm not alone in this. I managed to find someone who understand, and by reaching out those people for support, I've managed to survive.

11 months! Hopeful....

When looking back at Sami's photo album on Facebook, her 10 months album started out not so cheerful, but towards the end of that, you could really see her being happier.

Sami is my second child, and yes, I sometimes do compare her with Julian, my first. Not that I'm saying having got two kids makes me an expert in kids. Yet, I often felt it was not right with how Sami was behaving in the first 10 months. Yes, kids are more often sick than adults, and definitely if they go to the daycare where all the bacteria and germs are being happily shared by kids there. After we went through the recent small surgery (her nose tonsils being removed, and ears being punctured), she became a different child.

I used to feel like a clown trying to get her fed in the past, and now feeding isn't such a big topic anymore on the table. She gets very curious also of what we are eating, and would always like to have a bit of what we are having.

She had been struggling so much in her first 10 months that she didn't enjoy tummy time or hardly played in the playpen which we got her and ended up selling as it was just a piece of furniture instead. Because of that, she hardly could sit on her own without support, nor could she crawl. Even though I know all kids develop in different paces, I know she was on the late starter part. My hubby didn't seem to worry as he had no other child to compare with, and every step she takes, to him it seems fast. Anyway, after having seen a good physiotherapist, she had proven her curiosity will definitely get her where she needs to be. She has got all the conditions she needs to get her exploring her world further.

The last 1-2 weeks, we really have noticed her developing. Her sitting up in her bed when she objects being put in bed, her objections against us walking away from her, her playing with anything that is not classified as baby toys, her putting items into her mouth that are not known as food to me, etc. She definitely is keeping us busy, but I'm full of joy and am very proud of her now that I'm finally seeing these happening.

Not all moms would fully understand what I'm referring to unless you've dealt with a child with reflux or any other illness. You secretly are jealous of seeing other moms with kids that are developing according to the books. You wish you could look so nice and neat when you get out there, with decent make up on, instead of dark eye shadows not done by make-up but contributed by the little sleep you get. You wish you could join one of those play dates that you thought you would be joining each time. You wish you could be out for fun with your kids.

And with all little positive steps that you notice, at a certain point, you don't dare to say it out loud, as when you get steps back right after, you feel you've just jinxed it yourself by having done so. Or when you finally managed to arrange having time for yourself or with your hubby, then coming back makes it also harder. Especially when they are unwell, you feel you're being punished for having had good times.

At the moment, Sami is still on her reflux medication. We just don't dare to take her off just yet. Weaning her off meds has been a topic we talk about frequently, and whenever we set a "date" to do so, she somehow would show signs as if to say she is just not yet ready for that. I am now hoping we can put the word "reflux" off her once she turns 1.

Good night sleep is still optional these days, but at least I'm hopeful. Okay, don't ask me when I've had a few bad nights in a row, although I'm amazed by how little sleep I can go by to still function as a human being. Just that I wonder if the additional amount of grey hair I find myself having is a signal.





My kungfu girl!



Exploring her world



Picking her wine for dinner?





Maru, our cat, is also getting used to having Sami around.

10 months & 17 days... Have we passed the lowest dip yet?

Whenever Sami is sick and eats poorly, we ask ourselves if we have passed the lowest dip, and that we will start seeing some improvements. It's probably similar to the economist wondering if the economy has passed its lowest dip yet.

Last week since Thursday, we have had to use our puke container quite often to catch Sami's vomit. We had been to the GP's office first who sent us for an urgent appointment at the pediatrician's in the hospital. There they did x-ray her lungs to rule out pneumonia, though they did see quite some mucus in her lungs. So they prescribed us with antibiotics which hopefully will help her recover and be ready for the small surgery scheduled on following Monday.



















The first two dosages went in alright, but then after that it was back to vomiting and diarrhea. We had a hard time keeping anything in her, so back to urgent care in the hospital on Saturday. We were told that we did a great job in keeping her hydrated and that we should just continue what we were doing.


So Sami was on bread and Oral Rehydration Solution water diet, and we were so glad Monday morning finally came. Because of her state, initially the doctors were doubting whether to go ahead with the procedure of removing her nose tonsils and puncturing her ears. But luckily, after a quick check on her lungs, they decided to go ahead even though she still has got bronchiolitis but they are hoping she will recover after this small surgery. I'd to hold her arms tight when they were putting her to sleep. She was crying still a bit when she was falling asleep from the anesthetic, so that was heartbreaking to see. At the hospital, they had a pedelogist to accompany the parent going into the operation room. She kept her hand on my back, which was nice. Back some 7-8 years ago when my son went through the same procedure, they didn't have that. What they also didn't have was putting an IV, and they had to make 5 attempts to put that in for Sami.





Sami was the second child that went through the same procedure as other 8-9 kids. They worked on them according to their age, so the baby before Sami was just 1-2 weeks younger than her. While waiting for Sami out there in the recovery room, I saw that little baby girl struggling to breathe and was in major distress when waking up. That scared me a bit as initially recalling how it was with Julian, it was easy with him. He only screamed for some 30 mins and then in the afternoon on the same day he was playing football in the garden.

Finally, they brought her out, and they put an oxygen mask on her. She was on her side, and slowly waking up and crying a bit. Then I picked her up, held her in my arms where she slept further. When she woke up slightly, I let drank some water which she took in well. She kept on kicking the heart rate meter off her toe. After a while, we were allowed to move onto another room where papa was waiting for us. She slept further while another boy of 3 years old was crying heavily after waking up from the same surgery.



After we were allowed to go home, she managed to eat some bread and drink some water. She slept quite a lot, and even her brother couldn't get her to smile. It was sad to see. She was like a little granny in her rocking chair falling asleep in front of the television.

We really hope that she will recover soon, and she will start enjoy food, and most of all, her childhood more. We know putting in perspective, we are already lucky to have a girl like her without any terminal illness, but no parents would like to see their child suffer from any pain or discomfort.

10 months and 9 days.... a list of things that spouses, friends, families, or whoever that are involved in caring a reflux baby can do to help....

10 months and 9 days down the road of having a reflux baby in our lives, and this remains to be the hardest thing I have ever had to handle in my life, because it's not like the harder you work on it, the easier it gets.



I've been reading tons of articles and books about reflux, and I have also seen a list of things not to be said to families with reflux babies/ kids. What I haven't seen so far is a list of things that spouses, friends, families or whoever that are involved with people with reflux babies, can do to help. So maybe I will give that a start myself, in the hope of helping other families.

• Whatsapp, text/ message, call, or drop by to ask how they are doing. Reflux families are often isolated from their social network for a much longer period than those who have kids. It doesn't mean they don't need a social life, as in fact they miss it an awful lot.
• Offer help by just asking what you can do to help them.
• Bring food along as sometimes caring a reflux baby is so consuming that putting food on the table isn't something they end up being able to. If you've kids yourself, remember the days that you just had your babies, and how occupied you were in the beginning. That's what some of the reflux families are dealing with daily.
• Take their other kids out as families with reflux babies don't get to go out often, simply because it's hard to feed the reflux babies out there, let alone some that are constantly vomiting. 
• Give them a hug as often as you can, since sometimes even though you can't help them to take the heaviest burden away, a hug helps to release the pressure.
• Help them with their household, such as cleaning if possible. With reflux babies that vomit often, the laundry pile can get real high. 
• Offer your babysitting service if you can. Even if it's just for a couple hours, and certainly if you can even give the couple a night out or a full night of sleep, you have no idea how much they would appreciate it. 
• Help them with groceries shopping, as again, getting out of the door is something some of these families struggle to do. 
• Tell them that they are doing a great job, and they are doing their best already even though right now it may not seem enough to please their little ones. By reassuring them, they will have more courage to hang in there. 
• When offering to take care of the reflux babies, ask them what they want you to do, and avoid giving excessive comments on how different you would otherwise do it. 
• Get yourself reading some reflux articles, so that you understand what it is about.
• Read the list of things that you should not say to reflux families.
• Make them a cup of tea or coffee as often as you can if you drop by. Often these moms or dads are having iced coffee or tea unintentionally.
• Caregivers of reflux babies need to rant and throw their frustrations out. Don't judge them, even if they say they regret having the kids. Tell them it's normal to have those feelings, and reassure them that they are doing a great job. Remind them that soon this will be over, and that they will get to enjoy lives again.
• When offering advices, tell them maybe those advices don't work, and that it's ok if they don't want to hear them, because often these caregivers have been educating themselves so much that they end up knowing more than those theoretically educated professionals. Also, what works for one reflux baby may not work for the other.
• If you've the time, offer yourself to go along and join their appointments with the health care professionals. Even if it's just giving a hand to hold their babies, so that they can have a clear mind when talking to these professionals.
• Just because they're not vomiting everywhere doesn't mean that they don't have reflux. Parents of children with silent reflux will tell you that you can sometimes hear it and that each child has their own tell-tale signs of an attack.
• If the mom is a working mom, don't tell her to stop working assuming then the baby will be better. If the mom wants to stop working, support the idea, but don't ask her to stop if she doesn't want to or can. Sometimes having a job out there can keep the mom going, plus they may need the pay cheque as well.
• If the mom is a staying-home mom, it is also hard as staying-home moms have no official lunch breaks, or coffee breaks. So any of your help is very much welcome.  
• Just because they are thriving, doesn't mean that they're well
• When holding / looking after a reflux baby, respect the requests of the parent with regards to things like what the child can or cannot be fed ((quantities, timings, trying new foods etc) don't try new foods without asking etc), how they should be fed, whether or not the child can be bounced on your knee, and whether or not it is safe or appropriate to lay the child down. 
• Parents know their children better than anyone. Don't assume that because you've had children before them or are "older and wiser" that you know better than baby's mum or dad. Be kind and considerate with words and learn when to step back and let parents get on with it. It is just as important as learning when to pitch in. 
• Keep an eye on mum. PND develops all to easily for mums of otherwise healthy children, never mind a mum whose child had additional needs. Learn the tell-tale signs but also pay attention to things like not eating or comfort eating as they too are signs that something isn't right.    
• All weight gain is good but the wee one might still be falling through the centile lines on a growth chart. Getting the wee one weighed can be very stressful and acknowledging that can be more helpful than you'd imagine.
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