9 months and 26 days down the road

Recently someone asked me how my blog has been going, then I realized that I hadn't blogged for a while, simply because I've been busy, tired, and just feeling bored by the things I may end up saying.

Since September last year, Sami has been pretty much constantly struggling with coughing, lots of mucus, and snotty nose. We have not been able to do much about it, as over here doctors won't do anything on that unless she has got an infection, which she did and got antibiotics for that. Her first Christmas was spent with fever, cough and sleepless nights. The pediatrician may refer her to see an ENT doctor, to see if they want to put tubes into her ears. Certainly, we hate to having to get her operated, but if it helps, I would prefer going through that so that she can spend more time on having fun as a baby. Luckily, even during tough times like this, Sami does give us her smile which is very rewarding to us all.








I do envy those people with kids that aren't as often sick as Sami, feeding not as complicated as Sami's, so that we could go out more often and enjoy. I hate feeding her out there, or should I say I hate feeding times. I hope one day this will all be behind us, so that we can really enjoy as a family together.

I know having kids puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, and definitely when my husband has got a stepson from me, and a daughter of ours with reflux, it even gets harder. I'm grateful that my hubby is always there for me, and even if we have arguments, we always make up and love each other even more.

Sometimes I do ask myself what I've started with, after having more freedom with my son being 9 now, I am back to the diapers and feeding stuff. I again am drinking cold coffee that isn't meant to be iced coffee, opening my mouth unintentionally when trying to get my daughter open hers to eat her food, shopping for stuff for the baby when having free time instead of shopping for myself, taking my shower in turbo speed or enjoying the freedom I've under the shower, or not feeling sexy at all and staying in on a Sunday being fine. All these are coming back to me after 9 years. I noticed how much I've aged, as sleepless nights are showing their doing more than how that used to be 9 years ago.

Now, almost 10 months down the road, I'm still having sleepless nights, though recently less often as it used to be as we found out by coincidence on New Year's Eve, that by putting the white noise a bit louder, Sami seems to be sleeping deeper and occasionally can sleep through the night. I try not to compare Sami with other kids, though at times I worry why she isn't sitting properly without support, or not crawling yet. It's funny though, as it seems like Sami has read Mommy's mind, so she started showing me she can sit a bit longer without support, and she has started lifting her butt up in the air as if she is about to launch the crawling mode.




Sami has definitely changed a few things which I thought I would never do, simply because Julian was pretty standard baby when it comes down to eating and sleeping. I could give any food to Julian as a baby, and I could spoon feed him without any problems.

Sami however has given me more challenges. For instance, spoon feeding her at the age of 16 weeks old, not being to give her just any food as some food has too much acid and makes reflux worse, or baby led weaning. Baby led weaning sounded so unfamiliar to me, and my first reaction when I heard about it was "what a mess!!!!". I am not the cleanest mom, but I hate the mess. Now I've learned not to be bothered too much, as some babies would even think being wiped clean by a cloth during a meal as a punishment. Sami seems to enjoy eating food herself. We tried first giving her rice, then spaghetti which she loves, followed by sweet potatoes, potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli (which she doesn't like it that much yet), macaroni, avocados, etc. We still spoon feed her the baby food (either from a jar or home-made) in between, to make sure she gets enough. And her all time favorite is those small cookies. It's funny to see how she reacts when she hears the sound of the package itself only.

Sami has definitely taught me a few things and got me more open towards new approaches. Though I know I may never have parenthood all figured out even when you turn 18, I know there will be one day that I will find a way to wrap that love around me, instead of being buried in it. And one day, I will be having all teary eyes, being very proud of how vivacious, smart and unbelievably happy girl you become. I will find ways to balance the goodness with the heaviness.

Process of letting go

Yesterday, I read an article written by a friend who is fighting cancer at the moment. It's about what she would like others who have friends dealing with illness or difficulties to pay attention to. I think not only it's applicable for people with friends who have illness or difficulties, but in general, everyone should also think about it, and I'm sure many of us can relate some part of this.

This is the link to her article. https://dayone.me/175azVX

Many of us deal with certain struggles in life. I know mine is not worse than others and therefore shouldn't deserve much of attention. All I want to say to people is that you don't always know what is happening behind everyone's door that is closed at times. So before making any judgements/ comments that you can make within seconds, yet can create misunderstanding, loss of friendships (not just between you and that person, but if you end up telling others of your comments without verifying the situation, you can also put friendships that person has with others down into the drain.), sadness, etc.

Certainly many friendships won't last forever which I naively thought could happen as a child. It's not even about how much you give. When you're not the type of person who demand specific reciprocity from a relationship, you may find yourself having to learn letting go.

Over the last couple years, I've to deal with learning to let go more often, so I then ask myself if it's something that I've done wrong.

During my 12 years of relationship (including 9 years of marriage with my ex-husband), I hardly told anyone the physical abuse I went through, nor did I tell anyone the numbers of affairs my ex had. I couldn't proof some of them, and the first time I could and that he admitted, happened when Julian was only 6 months old. Back then, I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own feet and walk out of his life. So we went through marriage counseling and that helped briefly. All these I kept to myself as I felt ashamed of it until when my ex-husband had his last affair during our relationship with our nanny in our house when I was home. I still remember that night my pretending not knowing, and after one sleepless night, my coming to the decision of leaving him. Certainly when he eventually was told I was leaving him, he used his fist again. Luckily I planned ahead and had my son elsewhere to avoid him witnessing that. This time I put charges against him with the police. There were two police vans that night in front of the house. Never ever again I would want to be in the same situation again.

No doubt, I did have a lot of friends helping me out during that tough people, and I'm truly grateful for! I don't know how to thank them more than I already had. Just that it's sad to see some of those who did offer help expected certain reciprocity that I didn't fulfill giving, and they even spread rumors about my being a selfish person, only taking advantage of others.

Also, shortly after the separation/ divorce, I met my current loving husband. Many people don't understand and make their own judgement and conclusions of my not being a loving mother for my son, or of my being a slut going for another man already in such a short while. What people don't know is what I'd been through during those 12 years without real love and respect from my ex. Even my ex-mother-in-law said I was like a doormat to my ex, who kept on stepping all over me. So how wrong is it that when I finally met someone who would take me as the way I am, love me and my son without conditions.

When my husband and I feel we are the "ONES" to each other, and as he would love to have kid(s), seeing I'm not getting any younger, so we decided to go for a baby not knowing how long it could take. Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quick though after having gone through a miscarriage. (Yes, not everyone knows this too!) And this pregnancy was one stressful one with a lot of medical concerns.

Then there came Sami. The recovery path on the C-section took quite long, and then I was hit by Sami's reflux, something I knew nothing about before having Sami. When I talk about reflux, I often get people replying saying theirs spit up too. Well, in Sami's case, that's not really the matter. She has silent reflux, and in those bad days, I had to hold her up straight without her choking and turning blue. And I'm not even mentioning the crying she had done back then. I struggled a lot and depression hit me.

All these hardships are gradually behind me, though I still get other challenges hitting me from time to time, like my ex or Sami being ill and so. And I'm writing this not because I'm asking for sympathy, and definitely not asking people to really understand me. I'm just asking people to start thinking when they make judgements/ gossips/ comments of other people, first ask yourself if you already know the situation well enough to say those things you plan to say.

These days Sami still may wake us up 3-10 times at night. Probably in the past, when someone would tell me this, I might end up thinking that person might have been just spoiling their babies. Well, now I definitely think differently. We have pretty much tried everything or every trick. We sometimes also feed her at night, because getting at least a stretch of 4-5 hours sleep is very crucial for my sanity.

Also, like my friend said, when you have friends who are going thru some tough times, and you don't know how to react to show you still care, just do a whatsapp, a Facebook message or whatever, by starting with "how are you?" "is there anything I can do to help you?", "shall I drop by?", "can I give you a hand with anything?". Don't stay quiet and hope all will go away.

During the last couple years, I'm glad even though I've to learn letting go of some friendships that I cherished a lot, I have come across some new friendships. I've had people who offered to help without even knowing me well, coming by my house to chat. Thank you those who have been there for me!

Tough weeks behind

Since last post made on Sept 17th, a lot seems to have happened, including a horrendous weekend. We struggled getting Sami fed, as she would end up taking only 300-450 cc of milk (10-15 oz) per day, and got very unsettled at night. She didn't enjoy her solid food as much either. So eventually we found out she was having bronchitis, so we got antibiotics from the GP, in which the pediatrician at the hospital wasn't too fond of. After 3 days on antibiotics, her lungs are clear again, and she started to improve 2-3 days after we stopped the medication.

Sami was hospitalized then for the 6th time on October 2nd, since we were at our wits end, and I could not handle it anymore. Actually during the weekend of Sept 27th, when my hubby had to leave us alone at home due to home-moving, I really was at my worst state. I hated feeding times, and it was impossible to hold Sami properly during feeding since she would arch back so much that it was hard not to let her fall. I was in tears, and yet I couldn't get any help. My hubby and I had more fights, and then we made up, realizing that this is all due to the stress we are having.

I am glad however that I've kept in touch with one of our "kraamzorgster" (someone who took care of us at home for a few days right after coming home from Sami's arrival), who has been great. She texts me often, checking how things are. She shows a lot of understanding which I can't always get from everyone. She introduced me to "Babyhuis" which I didn't know about, a place where they will assist moms and dads with their babies if they are in trouble. They will take the babies in and help you to regain your confidence and pick things up again on your own. Though eventually we didn't go there as Sami got hospitalized, I feel relieved to know I've still have help and hope as I didn't feel so in those dark moments I went through.

What is tough with having a reflux baby is that not everyone can understand what you're going through. People may think you're exaggerating, overreacting, over-demanding, and that you should accept life as it is for having a baby. I thought at times that these people were right, and that I shouldn't fuss at all. I also lost hope in getting help from people or from the medical experts. All I could do was praying, and even that I was losing my faith. Having a reflux baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to handle. Not only how to handle her, but also how to fit that into our lives.

I feel awfully guilty when I've less patience and time for my son, Julian. He has been real sweet and understanding, but he is still a child of 9 years old. He still needs me. This week with Sami being in the hospital, we even had to ask Julian to do his homework on a folded table in the hospital, and had dinner much later than usual. He said he would tell his little sister in the future to love me more because of all the effort I've put in now with her feeding issues.



Next to that, I have a job that I love, a job that I must keep to pay our bills, a full-time job that others may not understand why I am keeping. In Holland, most moms either stay home or work part-time. With my job, it's not close to impossible to do it part-time, so luckily in a way, I can have a certain flexibility, and I've a very understanding boss.

Due to my struggles in this, I sometimes ask my hubby if he regrets having me as his wife, as his daughter's mom. Luckily, so far, he hasn't got regrets yet. One thing we both agree to though is that we won't be having another baby for sure. I admire moms who can handle having another baby after a reflux baby. Or even having twins reflux babies. I really don't know how they do that.

Today Sami is being released from the hospital. The pediatricians asked me to come in to have a talk as my hubby was there already since he took days off during this time. We sat down, and I told them my concerns of having all these major ups and downs with her feeding issues caused by the reflux. According to them, the reflux should be under control, and that she will grow out of it (yes...we have heard that many times)... They said she is growing well, and has enough reserve to go by if she doesn't drink well for a few days. They claimed her bronchitis came from a cold and not what we thought from the reflux. Anyway, we aren't doctors, so we can't win that discussion there.

Since they only had her when the horrendous days passed, so it's hard for them to see the bad days but only saw the improvements. They asked me if I had enjoyed the time with my LG, so I told them I've had many days that I really don't. I hated feeding times, and wish I could just stick a pill in for her to live on.

Now they have signed us up for their "eating group" where we get support not only from speech pathologist, dietician, but also children psychologist who can also help the moms dealing with emotions when caring a baby isn't as simple. They were afraid I would take it offended, but I didn't and told them I am open for any help, if only it's to make us a happy family.

I know we will have a long path to go and I'm really hoping this is another new start. They have asked me to try staying positive, and not thinking negatively. I told them it's hard when you've gone thru 6 months of non-stop feeding issues and so. And it's even harder when you're told to lower your expectations when you're the one who gets out of bed 5-6 times per night, and the next day you still have a full-time job to go to!

We do know that in comparing her case to other cases what you see in a hospital, she is very healthy then. I have heard from friends who had seen some mothers having to say goodbye to their babies in the hospital for good. I guess then I must feel very lucky that Sami is a happy baby in general if she is not bothered by the reflux, teething, or so.

Sami now being 6 months old, has not only been able to roll over from back to belly, but now also being able to go back from belly to back. She would keep rolling over now when you put her down, unless you tug the extra piece of her sleeping bag under the mattress, and tug her tightly in with a blanket.

Yesterday for the first time, the hospital also skipped her 11:30 pm bottle, and she did sleep till this morning when they had to wake her up for her 1st bottle. Let's hope we can keep doing so then. I kept giving her that bottle since she was drinking not much and thinking that at least that would help to add the intake up. Now that she is taking more food in, maybe we can try going without. Who knows, maybe she will take more during the day too.

She not only likes eating parsnips, but also broccoli, spinach, and green beans. Hope she will enjoy food as much as I do :-) 

She has learned recently to put her own dummy back into her mouth by having played with it constantly, pulling it out of her mouth and back in... It's cute to see!





In 2-3 weeks time, we will be going on a small vacation together as a family, and a very good friend of mine will be joining us as well. I look forward to it!!! I can't wait to see how she would react when being put into the swimming pool, as I remember how much Julian loved it, and started swimming when he was 7 months old. Sami would be 7 months old then too! 

5 months and 24 days....

I used to think Murphy's Law should be used only on negative people, but I'm starting to think Murphy's Law can often be applied on life with a baby. On my last blog post dated on August 27th, we thought we had found the last puzzle piece, guess what, we were wrong.

The Enfamil AR that we thought was the answer to the equation got us to our lowest point in terms of the amount of milk Sami drank. She went from roughly a daily in-take of 600-700 cc (20-23 oz) down to 400 cc (13 oz). She was very constipated, and we tried all the natural methods to help her, including extra water, prune juice, olive oil, massage, legs exercises, etc. None of them worked. We called the hospital asking for advice, but we got sent away. We had to go to the consultatiebureau (health center), and they didn't have much to tell apart from what we already knew, plus suggesting us to mix the Enfamil with normal formula. We also visited our GP and he didn't prescribe anything either, so we bought off the counter laxative drink for her but as we didn't dare to give the full dosage, so that didn't help right away until we increased the dosage. Only after a week and my "panic" call to the hospital, the pediatrician who prescribed her this formula gave us another medication. However, as we put the medication in her milk bottle, it was hard to give it to her when she refused the bottle. Eventually one day, I just switched her back to the normal formula, where she drank again from.

We went back to our GP again, and this time the GP listened to me better, as I was at my wit end, and just couldn't take much anymore. Sami was waking 3-5 times up each night, simply because she was hungry I believe. Yet, I didn't dare to go feeding her as I was afraid that she would get a habit out of it. We decided then to put her back on Nexium, the medication she was first on when she was 6 weeks old. Just that this time, it was with a lower dosage.

After we started the medication, things started to improve. We also started to put thickener in her formula, and we just thought things finally were settling down, as she even had once a daily in-take of 900 cc (30 oz), which was amazing! We added solid food as well in her menu, and some things she loves and some less. She loves parsnips, pumpkin with sweet potatoes, and bread. She doesn't like peer nor yogurt that much. I find it challenging to come up with "safe" food for her reflux, since the last thing I want to do is giving her some solid food that would make the reflux worse.

Then I did one thing that I regret terribly. I tossed her old nipples (teats) for her bottle into the bin and replaced with new ones but the same size as the old ones were getting old. I never realized until it was too late that the new ones could be too hard while the old ones were so worn but were what she was used to. So the first bottle after I replaced them took about an hour for her to drink from. It was plain horrible, as she started to get frustrated so did I. We adjusted the amount of thickener, but that only made the reflux worse.

Luckily, after having shared my story out there, some moms suggested me to cook the new nipples longer to make them softer, plus making the hole somewhat bigger by using a needle that that had been heated under fire. So I did those, and yes, I cooked those nipples for an hour just to make sure! That did help, just that we couldn't find the right amount of thickener that fits into the equation anymore.

I decided to just buy the formula that has got the thickener in it, which means at least I know the amount is then consistent. Anyway, I started doing so yesterday, and yes she drank slower, but at least she seemed to be happy and finished her bottle mostly. She had again 925cc (32 oz), which broke her record. She also ate parsnips that I freshly made for her.

She still wakes up at night, but at least it's no longer 5 times per night, it's ranging from 0 times to 2-3 times each night. What I've learned is accepting to get up for her each night, then I find myself feeling less frustrated. Also even though all books and sites on sleep training tell you not to go to her immediately at night when they wake up to train them self-smooth back to sleep, I just can't stand myself being all awake waiting for her to go back to sleep which doesn't often happen, as she would often whine even more or cries. And yes, we put her to bed when she is drowsy but still awake, so she CAN fall asleep on her own. So I just walk to her when she cries at night, and put the dummy back into her mouth. She will then 9 times out of 10 go back to sleep. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but it's definitely something I do to keep some sanity in me.

These days, she still fusses over the first and last bottle of the day. My hubby struggles with the first, and I struggle with the last. Probably with the constant lack of sleep, everyday at around 9, I'm just exhausted after having finished feeding her, sterilizing her bottles and so, getting her bag packed for the daycare, etc. Often I just fall asleep on the couch with my hubby lying next to me watching TV. Sami often then wakes up at around 10-ish crying a bit, not sure why she does that, but the dummy works well so far. I hate having to feed her midnight bottle, as I'm half asleep when I've to get up to feed her. Once I finish feeding her, I would most of the time be too awake to go back to sleep.

Anyway, I guess these all will be behind us in a year time, replaced by other issues. I really hope that reflux is something that will make us all stronger, and that the rest of the things would seem easier by putting things in perspective.

Luckily, we do have enjoyable moments. Apart from the feeding issue and sleep deprivation, I do enjoy seeing Sami developing. She is getting a hang of rolling over. She loves chatting, and laughing. So far we don't have the crying "happy hour" with her, while I used to have that with Julian.





Julian has also been helping out as much as he can, though it takes some effort and time for me to get him into the right mood and attitude. It took him some time to get used having to do homework, household chores, going to bed and getting ready for school on time after the summer vacation. This year he starts having homework also from his normal Dutch school, and I think it's good that he is taking those seriously. I also have to get used to having to help him more with his Chinese homework, since in the past, our Chinese nanny used to help him with that, and now we don't have any nanny for him, I've to help him with it.



I also try getting Julian to be more independent by involving him more in helping us out, like helping out in the kitchen. He does now some preparation work for me, or simple cooking, like cooking the rice. Hopefully that will help him in the future.

It takes time for all of us getting used to things that may keep changing. I try also be more relaxed and calm about things though at times that is real hard. Sometimes I do look at friends I know, and see from their Facebook photo album how things change, how their kids grow, then I know soon our struggles will be less, and we will be rewarded by more pleasant enjoyable time with the hard work we are putting in now.

We found the last puzzle piece?

Instead of just telling everyone how I have been struggling with Sami's silent reflux and feeding issues, let me put something positive now on here.




Last Friday, I called the pediatrician as I was at my wit end on how to handle her silent reflux, which causes feeding issues as well as sleep deprivation. He then prescribed us this formula which is "anti-reflux". What it does is that when the milk gets to her stomach, it will use the stomach acid that she has got, and the milk will be thickened in her stomach to avoid spitting up. It's advised not to use any medication and sometimes it's used to wean off the medication for some cases. Now in our case, the pediatrician also agreed that it may not be wise to try another medicine since we had tried 3 and she only got more miserable from them. Unfortunately, the pharmacy in our village didn't have it in stock, so we had to wait till Monday.

On Monday, Sami refused to the bottle at the daycare, so they fed her porridge by mixing her milk with rice cereal, as a desperate measure so that at least she had eaten something. So on Monday after work, I immediately rushed to pick this up. We started giving it to her on Monday evening after her bath. She took the whole bottle without fussing. I didn't dare to declare victory just yet, and the midnight bottle didn't go as well as the previous one. She fussed and it could be because she was woken up by us and we also noticed that the milk is still somewhat thicker than the normal formula she had. So down to trying out which size of teat she would need then.

On Tuesday morning, she took the bottle very well from Papa which was uncommon. Papa tried also using Stand III instead of Stand II, which is slight bigger, and she pretty much finished her bottle. At the daycare, she also took her bottles again.

Today is Wednesday, and she even took 180cc in without fussing at all in the morning while normally her morning bottle had always been a battle. And when she burps, she only has a normal small burp, unlike those major loud burps which you would expect from an adult man after their beer or so. Probably because of the milk staying in her stomach, so when she burps, she doesn't get the stomach acid coming back up which was painful to her in the past. After her bottle, she was chatting and laughing happily. Yes, I've actually got a happy camper in the house again!!!!



To a lot of reflux babies' mommies, we often feel depressed when our babies don't eat or don't sleep, or don't do both of these essential things. Our mood is always depending on how much our little ones has drank, or how often we have to get up at night. I know it's crazy, but we can't help that.

We sometimes even joke about putting our babies on ebay, marktplaats (in Holland), or any other selling stuff sites, to rent out or lease our babies. And those people who rent them can bring our babies back when they are reflux-free!

During the last few months, I've got to know quite a few moms around the globe who are dealing with similar issues as we are. And it's really amazing how much we understand each other even when we share thoughts that may sound so alien to others including moms with babies without reflux. Even though we cannot always help each other, but the understanding already makes a world of difference.

Again, I want to thank those who have been sending their love and care to us during this tough period, especially those who even offered to help. This means a lot to us! Now let's hope the peace stays with us, so that we can enjoy our family time more.

Coming Friday, Sami will be going to our trustful nanny for two nights stay-over. Yes, I'm so darn lucky to have such nanny. I will then spend some time with Julian, as I hardly spent time with him during this summer vacation, and Friday will be his last day of vacation. I asked him what he would like to do, and he asked to go for a movie, so we will do that then. My hubby is looking forward to getting a relaxation massage, so let's also have that done. And on Saturday, we will go out for dinner with my family as it's my dad's birthday. Some people may not agree with me not bringing our little girl out as well, but it's just no fun to her to stay out late. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, and it's not because I won't have Sami with me, but it's because we can take a mini-break while I know Sami will be in good hands plus her getting better gives me a good feeling about this. 

As a reflux baby's parent.....

I've read the other day somewhere of these top things not to say to a reflux parent, and it's so darn true!!!!

Quoted from top-20-things-not-to-say-to-a-reflux-parent

1. All babies cry you know.
2. All babies vomit you know.
3. Is this your first?
4. He’s feeding off your stress.
5. But she seems so happy.
6. Oh my baby used to vomit all the time too!
7. But he’s a healthy weight?
8. Don’t worry! They grow out of it.
9. You need to stop breastfeeding  / have you tried formula?
10. He’s just got colic.
11. She’ll eat if she’s hungry.
12. He doesn’t vomit so it can’t be reflux.
13. Sleep when baby sleeps (not helpful when baby doesn’t sleep).
14. Don’t let your child rule your life – they need to fit into your schedule.
15. Send him to me. I’ll sort him out.
16. Stop spoiling her.
17. You’re over-reacting. Just relax.
18. He just needs more cuddles.
19. She doesn’t look sick.
20. Screaming is good for their lungs.

What more can I think of?

1. Don't pay attention to how much she drinks as you will stress her out.
2. She looks chubby enough, so she doesn't look like she has feeding issues.
3. Lower your expectations on how much she drinks. 
4. She just doesn't need that much feeding like other babies.
5. Let her cry it out, don't spoil her as she will get used to having the attention.
6. Did you try using a different bottle or a different teat? 
7. Maybe you should restart breastfeeding? 
8. Maybe you need to work less and spend more time to take care of her yourself.
9. Just start her on solid food and she will be fine.
10. Before you know it, she is a grown up. Time will fly by. (Try telling that when I'm getting up at night walking over to her when she cries for only the 3rd/ 4th time that night. Or when I'm struggling with feeding her.)
11. Stick to the routine.
12. Don't stick to the routine, and feed her when she wants it. 
13. Feed her smaller bottles.
14. Try less hard.
15. Relax. ( How can you relax when you've been dealing with this for months?!)
16. Oh she doesn't really split up or throw up, so what's the problem?

We are also considering getting Sami a nanny (either her going to the nanny's house or having the nanny over). Initially my hubby is very reluctant to even think about having a nanny, because of the poor experience we have had in the past with my son. However, I kept on reminding him of the good experiences I also had and have! Unfortunately the wonderful nanny Julian had before isn't living around the block, so it's just logistically not possible to have her taking Sami in a long run. She is wonderful and sweet enough to help me out from time to time, so that I can have my break in between to catch up on some sanity.



Right now at the daycare, because of their having numerous of staff with other kids needing attention as well, Sami's feeding issue becomes more challenging there and her sleeping pattern is heavily impacted. Also, you can tell one personnel there ten times of the points you need to pay attention to when taking care of a silent reflux baby, but the next thing you know, it's another person taking care of her that day. Or they just get bored with having to read the instructions you put down, so that won't help Sami. A daycare is basically good for kids to start learning to socialize but at Sami's age, all she does when she is awake is sitting in a bouncer seat watching other kids running around. I bet that can be also tiring, if I imagine myself sitting in the crowd watching them running around and making all sort of noises.

However, finding a proper nanny who is willing to take a reflux baby, and who is experienced enough, plus affordable to us is one major task. I remind myself to be patient on this, as I guess we need to also bump into such person like we did with the great nanny I've met for Julian at the time.

Again, this is the support we as parents with reflux babies miss. Our lives definitely need to keep on going, including our jobs, our attention for my son, household, etc. Yet, without proper support, it can create such a big stress on our shoulder. I know there are a lot more serious and life threatening illnesses out there which need more awareness and support. However, what I don't quite get is in such a modern advanced medical world, how come no one seems to be able to give a solution that can help our daughter to feel better?! Even with certain medical staff, they have no idea what reflux really means!

5 months

For those who have been following my Facebook or my blog will know that we are still struggling with Sami's silent reflux and feeding issues. Probably people are getting bored with my mentioning this over and over again, or repeating how much sleep I'm missing, how much Sami isn't drinking, etc. To be honest, I'm tired of that too, but I've no other choice than to keep looking for ways to make her life and ours eventually easier.

I really hope somehow I will be able to help other parents in the future on raising awareness in the society on baby reflux issues. Yes, reflux won't kill a child! Yet, it kind of kills the bonding time between the mom and the child, as feeding should be the time that is most wonderful thing a mother can do with the baby in the first months of the baby's life. Instead, often we are battling in trying to feed our babies, since we can't afford the idea of our babies starving. No matter how much patience one has, eventually when struggling with lack of sleep and feeding issues along with the crying, you will lose it at a certain point.

I have found myself going from losing it all to losing it for a few seconds, and then calming myself down by talking to my little baby. It's tough really, as when a little creature is arching herself, or getting real mad, you really almost want to fight back but you know you can't. I think most of the parents who have dealt with reflux will fully understand what I mean by this.

I have had evil crazy thoughts which I am ashamed of and feel guilty about, but sometimes I wish I could run away, or not have Sami at all at a certain point. Well, please don't get me wrong, I love her loads and I would like to protect her with my life. Just that life with a reflux baby can be like a roller coaster without an end to it. Basically I got myself up there on the roller coaster, and I need to just wait till it comes to a stop. Again, most moms who have dealt with reflux will probably nod their heads if they are reading this. 

Everyday I get up and tell myself it's a new day, a day closer to her silent reflux leaving us and that there is hope. I'd a melt down moment yesterday morning when trying to feed Sami, and her refusing the bottle after 50 cc. I'd a hard time to let go and let it be. We have this log book, putting down how much she drinks, and sometimes the quantity of milk she has drank feels almost like a score from school. When my hubby went telling me it wasn't Sami's fault, I just lost it and broke into tears. Of course I know it is not her fault! It's no one's fault, and that's the tough part. As parents, you know something is bothering her, but you can't do anything to help fixing it. And when being tired to your bones, you have less capacity to cope with tough times, especially at night or early morning. 

Today I'll be picking up the new formula which the pediatrician has prescribed, so we hope that will also help her, which then can help us. People say between 4-6 months with teething starting, this can cause reflux to flare up even more. So that probably explains the frequent night wakings. I am starting to find myself being "used" to being called out of bed these days. Just that at times, as I'm so tired and stressed, I end up not being able to fall asleep even if Sami is asleep. Isn't it crazy? I think only people who have been through this know what it means by being too tired to sleep. My hubby can't understand it and tell me to learn going back to sleep. When he said that, I really felt no one could understand me which was probably why I'd that melt down moment. 

So my advice to people who have friends or families dealing with hardship, please try to have some sympathy on their feelings. Don't deny their feelings, allow them to express their feelings, acknowledge them instead of judging them, and try to come up with ways that you can help them with, instead of making suggestions on what they should do. And if you don't know what you can do to help them, ask them what you can do to help them instead of staying silent. Also hugging them would really help them to go through this stormy period. Just be there for them. Use today's technology to show them you care, even it's just a few whatsapp messages or facebook posts. If possible, even go by just to say hello, have a cup of tea, or just chat with them. You've no idea how much you can already brighten someone's dark moments. 

I'm thankful that I've some friends who have been doing some of these. I don't have that many friends who would come by to chat or to take over some workload from me, but when I do, I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I've a nanny who has dealt with reflux from her own kids, so she knows how to handle Sami. She won't mind taking her even if it means she needs to get up at night for her. Even though she doesn't live close by, but at least once or twice in a month to have her helping us out already means a lot to me.