I've really mixed feelings when looking back at how I've done the last 126 days. It's not been easy on any of us in the family, my son, my hubby, and my 126 days old baby girl, Sami. I love all of them more than anything, but at times we are giving ourselves so much stress on each other that we can be stepping on each other's toes.
Well, Sami remains to be Sami... we have been struggling for some 4 months on her feeding and reflux issues. I can't even count how often I'm with her in clinics and hospitals. I used to think Julian was a fussy baby, but comparing Sami and Julian which I know I shouldn't, Sami is definitely a more complicated case for me.
During these 4 months, I have once again seen myself in the mirror, and I came to realization how I hate some part of me. I wish I could be someone with loads of patience and love, but when handling a baby with feeding issues or struggling to fall asleep, or when my son also needs attention while I'm busy with Sami, or whenever the stress is going over my limit, there is this switch in my head that may just snap. I'm scared of those moments, as all I wanna do is to run away, or to yell. Certainly, I know it's not the kids' fault of what they are doing at those moments, and certainly I know I'm the adult here who must show our kids how to behave and control our feelings. It's just NOT easy.
10 mins...20 mins... 30 mins... an hour....
There are definitely moments where I wonder if I've gotten myself over-worrying, or overreacting. Luckily, those moments aren't too long when I hear also what others are saying. That helps and reassures me that I'm doing the best I can. I don't know if that is sufficient but I need to tell myself to accept my limits too. This isn't easy for me, as I'm always someone who wants to have a quick fix, and does 120% to achieve the results.
Some people suggest my lowering the stress level, just that I haven't figured out what would work for me.
- Working less? Not really an option for me. Financially I can't afford to. And mentally I know I'm not the kind of woman who can sit home long. I'm someone who needs to stay busy.
- Getting my hubby to help more? Well, he has been doing the best he can, seeing he is a first-time dad. Ok, he is definitely not a baby whisper. He is somehow a typical man. He can sleep over any kind of noise most of the time (once he is asleep that is). I hardly bother him when Sami wakes up at night as I'm a light sleeper, so I thought since there is already one person who is fully awake, why bother waking up the other one if he can sleep?! But the downside is having to get up so often at night lately and being at work as well does get tougher and tougher in a long run. He doesn't worry over every thing that the kids do like I do. He does do take care of Sami, probably more than some traditional Chinese men, but when we are together in the weekend, normally I'm the one doing most feedings and so.
- Having someone to help us out? Well, our parents as well as parents in laws aren't physically able to take over the caring role, even though they would love to. And we don't really have friends who can really do so, apart from Julian's former nanny, but unfortunately she lives a bit farther away, or else that might have been great for me to just catch my breath once a while.
The only thing I'm telling myself each morning is that this WILL pass, it WILL get better, I WILL be able to enjoy parenthood more, we WILL get more sleep...., I WILL be able to eat dinner without rushing...
People tell me not to be too hard on myself, but I find it hard not to feel guilty when I see people having kids with a big smile on their faces. The moms look wonderful, while I hardly care about what clothing I'm wearing. I want to be a happy mom and a happy wife too. These days I am too tired for having sex, plus it has been too warm and I hate feeling all sticky and sweaty. But I know I shouldn't ignore that, as sex is also important for our relationship. I don't want my son to feel that now that his sister is born, I have no time for him.
So I do keep trying. I try to go with him to the library to get books that he likes reading. I try to take him to the McDonald's once in a while. I try to go for a walk with him together with Sami in the buggy so that we can chat when having our walk.
And I also tell myself not to get upset over little things, as life is too short to get upset over little things. I need to put things in perspective, looking at them in a bigger picture from a more positive angle.
Yes, I do have my breakdown moments from time to time. I do say certain things that I don't mean and regret awfully afterwards. Still I am grateful for having a hubby that does his best to support and to understand. I'm also lucky to have a son who understands a lot, and is willing to help me as much as possible. Yesterday after he had gone out to play for an hour and half, he still went with me to go for another 1 1/2 hour walk with Sami. I admire the love he has on his little sister, since it wasn't even his choice of whether having a sister or not. He isn't getting much back from little sister so far apart from the smiles she gives him, and her staring at him, but he still loves her adorably. He comes up with silly games to play with her, such as "who can stare the longest without blinking the eyes", or taking selfies photos with her with his old-fashioned mobile phone which is very tricky.
I share my feelings on Facebook. Some people may find me being annoying, as it sounds to them like I'm only thinking about myself, over-sharing, and that they may want to say to me they don't care. Well, I hope the friends that I cherish won't feel that way, as that's for me a platform to vent my feelings and frustrations, and to share my happiness. Luckily, I've also received great support from women out there, giving me ideas and a pat on the shoulder. That is very sweet of them, and no words can describe how much those mean to me.
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