Making the right choice for our kids....

As a child, I always looked up at my parents, knowing that they were making the right choices for us. Then the older I got, the more I went challenging those choices, asking why they would know they were really making the right choices for us. Now being a mom of two kids, I certainly have come to realization that it's not really about making the right choices, but making the best choices you can at those moments. Sometimes we cannot tell whether they are really right or not, and maybe there is just no definition of whether they are right. What really matters is we have done our best to come up with the best for ourselves and for our kids.



Recently we had to make the decision to go ahead with an oesophagus pH test to see the amount of stomach acid Sami has in her oesophagus, so better medication against reflux can be given accordingly. The thought of having a tube being put through her nostrils down to her oesophagus really worries me how much pain or discomfort our little one would have. Yet, we know by doing this, we can better establish how much she suffers from reflux.

We noticed after having stopped with her medication, she started drinking much better than ever! This gave me such a reassurance that I have not been fighting this battle for nothing, and that it was real bullshit for those medical staff telling me not to pay attention to how much Sami is drinking. Simply Sami was having discomfort or not feeling well after having taken the medication, and therefore she refused to drink. I just wish the medical staff didn't challenge my mother instinct as much as they did.

I've heard during the last few months of them telling me:

• maybe the way I was holding wasn't right, 
• maybe it was the bottle or teats so we bought the whole drugstore home with all sort of teats and bottles,
• maybe it was me who was too stressed and that the baby felt it so she stopped drinking,
• maybe she just doesn't like milk
• maybe she just doesn't need that much
• maybe she has an attitude
• maybe she associates drinking with a bad experience she had been through

We have asked the pediatricians so often whether the medicine's side effects can be bothering her so much that she therefore stops drinking. The answers we have been getting have been:

• We have never had kids having problems with this medicine.
• Nah... that should not be an issue.

If there aren't any side effects, why would they be mentioned on the leaflets of the medicine?! Our little girl isn't capable of telling us what's bothering her, so all we can do as parents is to be her voice as much as we can. During the last months, because of the lack of support I've been getting from the medical team, I have been doubting myself a lot, wondering if I'm really the issue here, making a big deal out of nothing, and that maybe I should accept having a fussy child.

Now looking back, I can proudly stand up and say they were proven wrong and I've been right all along. Ok, I'm no doctor, and I can't treat my child like a doctor can. Yet, I know I've not been overreacting as much as they claim then!

The nights that Sami now drinks well, I really enjoy holding her after her finishing her bottle, all drowsy, leaning her head over my shoulder. I can now find the bond we have stronger. When I've her in my arms, she would have her little arm around me, and I know she knows I'm someone important to her. I love walking to her when she wakes up (ok, not at night when she wakes up at 2 am or 4 am.) and smiles at me. I love seeing her wanting to look at me rather than playing with her toys. These feelings are now getting stronger and stronger, and I can sense somehow things will turn around soon. The light at the end of the tunnel will be there soon. Certainly there will still be sleepless nights, there will still be struggles and so, yet I think this has been quite a big milestone for all of us.



I've also been learning to accept my limits. I think it's something which we should also teach our kids too. Even though I feel guilty for not being there for Sami when they do the oesophagus pH test, as I sent daddy to go instead, I know it's for the best. It won't do Sami any good if she has a mom all scared or emotional over there while daddy may be more calm and can give her the reassurance that it will be fine. I've to tell myself that it's ok to accept this from myself, and that I can do some other things good too. It sounds selfish to say, but it's important to take care of ourselves first before we can be good parents for our kids.