Unconditional love in different cultures

With the world becoming smaller, we are more exposed to different cultures. I stepped out of my hometown, Hong Kong, when I was 16 years old. I went to America for an exchange program, and I'd learnt a lot during that year. Not only English though some people criticized my American accent afterwards, I gained confidence. I was put in a warm family where they had shown me unconditional love existed.



Coming from a Chinese background, if you were to ask me during my childhood how to show my parents my love and respect towards them, I would tell you by being a good, hardworking, obedient and hopefully high scores student at school. The focus on going to a good school and achieving high academic results is very high.

And for many Asian adults, to show their love and respect towards their own parents is by giving money. There is even a Chinese phrase literally saying, "raising your own children to avoid getting old", which implies the reason to have your own children is to have someone being on your side when you get old, both financially and physically. This has been passing from generations to generations.

I'm not criticizing how my parents had raised me, because I believe they were doing the best way they could according to them. I however have now the choice to do it somewhat differently, by telling my children no matter what I still love them. Certainly I want them to be decent people, and doing well in the future to be able to live happily and independently, I hope I can still let them take their own course. I hope when I am old, they come home and visit me because they want to. I hope to be financially independent enough so that they won't feel obliged.

The Asian culture has taught me to be humble and I would like to show my children that. Just that the Asian culture has got me awfully uncertain about myself for many years during my childhood and even up till today. Asians don't like to let anyone see their dirty laundry, such as divorce or any issues at home. They want to show the perfect family picture to others. Many couples stay together even knowing their marriage has died because of one being unfaithful, and one of the reaons is not being able to face the family or others. Asians also classify women weighing over 45 kgs/ 100 pounds as being fat. Terms like pork chop and elephant legs are being used, not just by the media, but also by people close to you.




I struggle often dealing with this, as it bites when certain comments are coming from people close to you, people who matter to you, people you love, people whom you assume should understand you, etc.

I struggle because I don't want to kill my relationship with those people, and I don't know how to please them. I hunger for their acceptance and love.

I struggle because I feel like a little child again while being an adult.

I struggle because I wonder then how I should raise my own children.

I've sleepless nights because of this, and tears have dropped. But the next morning, I get up and I have to carry on with my life.

I joke about my previous life having been a horrible human being that my current life is about paying back my debts.

Still I am grateful I have a son who does love me. Little things he does tell me how much he loves me. I must learn to tell my children more often how much I love them. I must learn to tell them more often how proud I am of them without over-doing it.

Asians don't often express their feelings verbally as they feel others should understand or feel it. The more I'm exposed to the western culture, the more important I feel certain words need to be said.

I love the moments telling my children I love them.
I love the moments telling my husband I love him.
I love the moments my children still let me hug them.
I love the moments my children hug me back.
I love the moments my husband hugs me and tells me everything will be ok.

Without them, my world would collapse.

Welcome to adole-scent

Recently, we got a sniff of adole-scent... And just a sniff of this scent is already something that alarmed me, put me back to earth realizing not only every child at every stage of their lives has his/ her own challenges, but also that I have to spend time on Sami AND Julian, my son of 9 who is turning 10 soon.



He has been challenging almost every word that comes out of my mouth whether it's related to which pants to wear or when to go to bed. Initially we took it as that comes, and kind of live with it. I keep telling myself that at least he is intelligent enough to keep challenging us and coming up with ideas.

Then we had a full blown meltdown when he realized at the last minute that he left his football shoes at his father's who lives in China. We wanted to teach him a lesson that he needs to be careful and cherish his stuff, but probably that didn't go in well at the moment when he was blaming on everyone but himself for not having been able to find them initially.

Having such a meltdown when it was a warm day, and Sami being ready for her afternoon nap (aka very tired and getting moody) didn't help either! I'd never been so mad at him, nor had he been at me. He almost wanted to run away. Luckily this time his father in China did get involve, thanks to high-technology these days.

After this incident, I doubted my parenting skills. No matter how I was raised, I believe that even though discipline is important, it's more important to let the child understand well why we expect the child to behave like such, or why we set certain rules. I dislike being a dictator. I always want my children to develop well on their own, and have confidence in themselves.

Often, my hubby mentioned that I am spoiling my son, which I disagree when I look around and compare our family with many other families. We hardly buy toys for him, while in the past when his father and I were still together, we would buy one every month for him. And when I get around to, I try to spend time with him, whether it is going out with him for a movie, or having a lunch out with him.

If you have read the book "The Myth of the Spoiled Child" from Alfie Kohn, then you would say I shouldn't doubt myself. According to Alfie Kohn, the major threat to healthy child development is posed by parenting that is too controlling rather than too indulgent.

My son was born with a tempermant, And at times, we struggle dealing with that, simply because it feels like it's not something the society or ourselves can handle. I at times wish there was a manual or a cookbook telling me what to do. And when talking to some social worker, they tried to put name tags like PDD NOS on him, which I don't think is the answer either.

And believe me, I've also read books about positive parenting, by getting myself into his shoes, so that he feels being understood. Coming from a Chinese background, this is definitely difficult to do, and at stressful moments, I just fail so often that I feel very crappy about it.

My hubby comes from a very traditional Chinese family, which probably explains the parenting skills he masters. Plus it has not been easy on him for having to become a stepfather since Julian was 6 years old.

Others tell me that this is just a stage which can last for quite a few years, and this is just a start. Some wished me good luck as they have been there. If that's the case, will Julian turn out ok?

Now I realize even more how much I got my mom's blood boiling at the time together with my brother. With Sami and Julian having about 8 years age gap, does this mean over 8-9 years time this will start all over again just when Julian becomes more mature?! Gosh, morr henna to dye my hair and more other things will be needed to keep me being myself.



These days with so much stress going around the household, I have started adult coloring. Coloring used to be my hobby. As a matter of fact, I did win a college scholorship in the USA for an Art degree, but realistically bills need to be paid so I went to a business school instead and gave up that scholarship. I was not too pleased with having to do so at the time and blamed my dad for that.

Anyway, they say these days that coloring can help releasing stress. In general, it's more a fact that if you can put all your thoughts down, and do something else, whether it is yoga or something else, it is already a great way to release your stress. Being artistic will help more because you engage the left side of your brain.



Being a second time mom makes me realize more how important it is to keep part of myself alive instead of losing myself in parenthood. It is hard with a full-time hectic job, 2 kids, minimal help from family, frequent broken nights, and some medical issues. I want to do sports too, but it's just not something I can relaxingly put onto my agenda for now. Hopefully later...

Part-time working vs Full-time working moms

In the Netherlands, 60% of the women work, versus 70% of the male population in 2015. There are more women working than in the past, and more men are taking leave to take care of the family at home. So I think for me, it's not that hard to deal with discussions whether I should be a full-time mom or a working mom. People here accept women working.

What is however interesting is the percentage of full time working female versus the part-time working ones. Only 16% of the female population works more than 35 hours per week. Roughly 40% of the women work between 20-34 hours a week, especially those who have children.

In a culture where part-time working mothers are common, it is then hard for some people to understand my working full-time. Even when bringing my kid to the health visitors, the nurses often assume I work part-time that there is always a day or two that I can be home. In the past, I used the excuses of being a "single mom" (which luckily is no longer the case anymore), or having to pay for two houses (that also is fortunately no longer the situation since recent months). So next time when I'm there, I will need to come up with a better reason, so that you won't feel being judged.

My daughter goes to the daycare 5 days a week, and according to some people, that is a lot. We tried having nannies taking care of her, but we just haven't been able to find a good match. When I looked for nannies at the time when my son was still little, I even got asked by one of those nannies why I would consider having a child if I wasn't there for my child. That very moment when she said that, I doubted myself while feeling mad that she judged me. Now thinking back, what I should have done was telling her it was my choice, and it would have been her choice also whether she wanted to be the nanny.

Why do I make myself difficult by working full-time?

First of all, after having kids, your financial burden is just heavier, and working part-time would mean giving in more salaries, so where to find that balance to make sure you've enough by the end of each month.

Secondly, I've told my ex as well as my current husband when we first met that I would not be a very nice person to live with if I would have to be a housewife. Not that I don't like a relaxing time at home without rush hours stuck in traffic getting to work and getting to the daycares to pick up kids, I just am not the staying home type. And no offence, I have all my respects towards those who are staying home for their kids. I think they are doing a wonderful job. It's just that I'm not a good material for being one. I grew up with my mother working full-time, and my father being abroad all the time. Do I think my parents were doing a bad job raising me? No. And I have learned that you need to do your best to achieve something in life. You can't just sit back and expect all will be given.

Thirdly, my job currently won't allow so. I work for an American company and I report to an American boss. In their culture or at least our company's culture, working part-time or working from home isn't something they generally accept. And my job does need more than 40 hours per week of work, so working part-time means going on early pension without funds.

In conclusion, I'm better off working full-time, and the trick now is how to find the balance of being a career woman and being a mom. I sometimes have those guilty moments which I'm sure all moms get from time to time, no matter who they are. I doubt myself for whether I'm being a good employee, and a good mom. Have I got the home-front taken care of? Am I neglecting the home-front? Am I loving my kids less than other part-time working mothers?

At times, I feel life is still unfair towards the ladies, simply because the society expects women to join the working force more as men and women are supposed to be treated equally, yet women are supposed to still take care of the home front, so that when most men have to do their business meetings, their business traveling, or anything so-called related to business, women are supposed to make sure all is taken care of at home.

I'm not saying that there are no good employers who take this into account. However, my husband and I do face often questions from his employer why he can't be abroad during the week and only come home in the weekend. The employer knows I work full-time, but it's not to his interest. I can't blame him from a business point of view. Just that when I had my human resource management classes in college, one important lesson taught was how to manage.

I guess there is just no right or wrong concerning anything around making choices on parenthood. I am doing my best to parent my kids the best way I can, with trial and error. My goal is to have them raised well-mannered, appreciative, and decent persons. I have to remind myself to keep my expectations realistic too, since I know for a fact that I cannot be with my kids while working full-time, and I can't work part-time with the same satisfaction I am getting as a person. I have also learned that it takes a happy mom to be a good parent. Everyday I somehow manage to get dinner on the table and have my kids fed, then I guess I'm not doing such a horrible job.

Just being myself

In the past, many people have asked the question why I'm sharing so much of my life on Facebook or on my blog. Or I see from time to time people posting "I don't give a crap about your life" on Facebook or posting articles about not putting your children's pictures online.

Indeed, it is true that our lives are more of an open book now that the internet has brought many of us closer to each other. In the old days, people would write diaries to put down their thoughts of the day. People could even write audiobiography about themselves, and have them being published.

I am not the kind of person who only share happy faces with my friends on Facebook or through any channels. Sure I share posts with those cute outfits, or about milestones or sweet family days. Yet, life is real, so as parenting. Parenting is real, raw, and can be tough. Puke, poop, pee, snot or any other body fluids from your children are not something as parents can be avoided. Sleepless nights and mess under the dinning table. All these things just come with the title. There are plenty of things people don't mention often about parenthood, and probably this is because these won't fit into the perfect parenthood picture people have in mind. Well, guess what, there is no perfect picture, and I'm not ashamed to share them.




I have my good days and bad days. I have days that I just wanna cry. I have days that I regret having yelled at my kids or my hubby. What I do know is that every day I am learning, so as my kids. I am learning each day more about myself, about being parents, being a wife, being a friend, being my parents' daughter, being a person! There is no ending to learn. This is what my grandfather used to tell me.

There are days that will just keep dragging on. I would feel like giving up, and I will share it out here. I have got then friends who would read it and care about me to tell me it is ok. And for those who don't give a damn about my life, well, I don't mind you just turning the "unfollow" button on. That's all you need to do, and I am not asking for more.

And why do people freak out these days more on pictures that are posted on Facebook or elsewhere? Yes, there are freaks and nutcases walking around. They are sick enough to be wanting to do something on these kids. I don't even want to think about it. But still, if I look back at what life was like in the 80s, our pictures were also posted on school newspapers or magazines and so. I am sure there were crazy people at the time too who could cut those out. Possibly, those kind of news were just not internationally announced or made public as they can be now. These things just happen, and you can only do so much protect them. Surely I won't go posting my kids' naked pictures online, and I am sure those days that wasn't done too.

Lonely parenting

Parenting can be very lonely. It can be lonely when you are a staying home mom, who can not always get out of the door without a messy hair-do, forgetting to bring something along in the diaper bag, running and chasing behind your kids, or realizing not having an extra set of cloths for your 9 year old son to wear after his being soaking wet from a water fight on a warm summer day causing him to walk publicly in his boxer underwear! Ok, the last one actually happened to me yesterday and I'm a full-time working mom, so I hope to be easily forgiven for that.



At the same time, being a full-time working mom, often we feel lonely as being parents, because we rush out of the door from home in the morning to get to work as soon as we can, so that we can make our hours or do our job. Then head home quicker than our hitting the mall as a teenager after school. Once at home, we will switch our role back to being a mom, a cleaner, and a cook, so that dinner gets served and kids are fed on time, followed by some quality time, playing with them as we miss out the hours that staying home moms have with theirs. That quality time may well be shortened because of them being tired from a day spent in the daycare or wherever, so we go straight to the bathing routine. By the time the kids are in bed and hopefully also staying in bed, we still may need to do more cleaning up or other things. Then eventually we are selfishly enjoying the "ME" time, whether that is playing with our tablets or smartphones, or watching TV, we always end up hanging on the couch much longer than we should, so that the next morning when the alarm clock goes off, we would regret having stayed up longer than we should. We swear each morning to go to bed earlier that evening but that hardly happens.

My daughter barely sleeps through the night, and she is 16 months old. She wakes up and cries each night for about 1-6 times in general. I can imagine frequent night wakings are hard for any kind of moms, but when my daughter does it during the weekdays but not as often in the weekends, I can't help to wonder if I have done anything odd.

As a full-time working mom, the only network I can have with other mothers lately is Facebook. That keeps me being in touch with them. Because of my job, I cannot join most of their play-dates. Also, my daughter struggled quite a bit in her first 12 months with some health issues, and we are still having our good and bad days, but that prevented me getting out with her. So in that sense, I feel often lonely as being a mom.

I can imagine some staying home moms may think full-time/ part-time working moms are less lonely because those moms get to have a network that does not involve kids. Working moms get to speak in non-baby related subjects and act again as a normal person. However, the reality is being working moms, being surrounded by people without children or being less involved with children, we then feel not being supported or understood. If we run home because we need to pick up a sick child from the daycare, they would say we are getting the benefit that people without kids are not getting.

We live in a time of intensive parenting, sarcrificing everything in order to take care of our children's each and every need. Modern parenting, or crunchy parenting are the words you easily find on parenting sites or on facebook mothers' groups. Often women are now expected to do good as mothers, wives, and employees, or at least they feel they are being expected to. So at the end of the day, we end up stressing ourselves out. We feel having failed in being a crunchy mother, losing our cool, and ending up feeling lonely in this.

With our daughter having some health issues in her first year, things have gotten more intense for us all in the family. It was hard for others that have not dealt with similiar issues as my daugther has had to understand or imagine what we went through, and what kind of support we needed. I urge often these days people to ask people around them not only "how are you?", but also "what can I do for you to make things a bit easier?". Not saying anything because you don't know how to offer help is as bad as leaving someone at his/ her own dispair. I went through certain degree of postnatal depression and I know how hard and lonely one can feel even if there is a smile on the face.

So far, I have only mentioned about the role of mothers while parenting does often involve both mothers and fathers. I should then think I am NOT lonely in this parenting journey, right? Well, it is not that simple. It is not because my husband is not a dictated father. He does feed our daughter almost every morning her breakfast. He has most of the time more patience than me on our daughter, maybe a bit less on my son, his stepson but that is because he has higher expectation on my son. He does most of the household things I ask him to help with, he does go get groceries and make me happy by getting cakes that I love. He has been standing by my side when we struggled with our daughter's health issue while some or most doctors sent us home. He is a good husband and a good father, but he is a man, and that makes it sometimes lonely for me on this parenting path. He does not read as much literature on parenting as I do, and when he does, he does what he calls speed reading He comes from a different childhood background than mine, and he somehow is stuck to that parenting style which to me it is too old fashion. Our parenting style crashes totally, while we love each other as a couple. So how do we do this as a family?

Yet, even though parenting is lonely sometimes to me, I am thankful for everything I have, my family! I am sorry for my meltdowns and taking my frustrations out on my hubby, and my kids. Yes I complain about the lack of sleep I have, the postnatal big belly I have got, the messy dinning table we have, the lack of freedom, etc. It is easy to believe we were more in love with each other as a couple before we had our daughter. We could go out on dates, dining, slept in each other's arms, or even had nice longer sex sessions. That was love, but now we have real love as a family. Choosing to keep on going and giving up on certain things, to give everything we have no matter how exhausting that is, and often none of that is romantic, but we know this is true love as a family. And that will bring us being good parents. We will continue making mistakes as we learn each day.

Family vacation time

Here we are, our summer vacation has ended while Julian's will be ending in 2 weeks time. My hubby and I took 3 weeks of vacation.

The first week we went away to Brugge, Belgium as a family of four. My hubby and I had been to Brugge before as a couple, and a vacation with kids is definitely different, which I could have told everyone about it after the experiences I'd with Julian when he was little.

Basically a vacation is best described as time away from a job and frustrations of day-to-day life, with the goal of relaxing and having fun. I would call ours as a trip, a journey to a place. As long as you don't get confused with a vacation, then you won't get unexpected feelings of regret and disappointments, which typically would be taken out on the spouse.

We chose Brugge due to its 2-3 hours drive limit as we could get into the car and drive off just before Sami's nap. With Sami taking her nap mostly during that drive, it gave us all peace. We picked a house to rent via Airbnb, simply because you get somewhat more space/ value than going to those family parks. For some reason, I can't sleep in the same room well with my kids, only if I have to. So we always make sure we have separate rooms for the kids and for ourselves. This time we even had 4 bedrooms. One thing though, as the house isn't meant for baby/ toddler vacation, so we did have to watch out for our little one where she plugged her fingers in. However, we did get a house big enough for her to crawl almost endlessly, plus the owner has kids so both kids of ours had enough toys to play with, even on a rainy day.




This was our second family vacation with Sami, and this time with it not being in family vacation park, she spent quite some time in the stroller sleeping. Our schedule was relatively well-organized, as we would head out after her fruity break plus our family breakfast. She may doze off and wake up just before lunch break. We had done mostly activities that were great for the kids or more for Julian, since Sami is still too young. We went to a local swimming pool as we got discount tickets, plus a local circus event where you don't see many tourists. Sometimes when we didn't know where to go in the city, finding a big bookstore to go to is also good. Often in those big bookstores, you can find a children's section is fun for the kids.



We normally ate out for our lunch, and for dinner, I cooked or got take outs to warm up in the house. It was just better without having to worry about whether the restaurants have children's seats for us or our toddler having her tantrum during dinner time. I packed safety belts for the children's seat, simply because often they don't have those in the seats they have. Eating in the house allowed us to let Sami cruise around once she was done with her meal. Also, with the mess she makes these days while exploring her meal, it's just easier to be "home".



I think I did pretty well with packing this time for a week away seeing what I did bring along, plus the fact that I didn't forget her reflux medicine like I did on our first family vacation. Besides the obvious baby phones, a bath mat for example, I find it handy to have Sami's cutlery along, since when eating out, restaurants don't always have plastic plates for kids, let alone the big forks and knives. I brought a pair of scissors too to cut food small enough for her to eat. Most people often look at me all surprised, but I think these are little things that make my life just a touch easier when being out with a toddler.



When people asked me how our vacation was, I would say we survived. Being on vacation with kids doesn't take out the occurances of their throwing tantrums on the street, in the supermarket, or in the restaurants. Yet, I often think we should be more relaxed about these, as they are on vacation too.

I will be honest and say that my parenting skills are different from my hubby, and with my son being my hubby's stepson, and my hubby coming from a different upbringing environment, often we get into discussions. So this also happened during the vacation.

But at the end of the day, seeing my kids enjoyed their vacations, plus my hubby not having killed me or so, I think this was a good vacation!





The 2nd week we spent time more on ourselves, when my son went to China alone for the first time to see his own father who moved there recently. It was hard for me to let go of my little boy for the first time being so far away from me. I had a harder time to let go than him having to say goodbye to me. I worried sick, but we all survived too! Julian enjoyed his time in China, so did his father. Julian had a great time on both flights and was well taken care of. He got to go sit in the business class for some hours to enjoy the massage seat, plus playing with their entertainment systems. He helped the crew members with serving drinks and got to sleep a few hours in the lounge of the crew member team. He did say if having to choose among Xiamen (where his father is now located), Shenzhen (a city close to Hong Kong), and Hong Kong, he likes Hong Kong much more as it's more civilized there.




During this 2nd week, we got to be as a couple again with Sami being at daycare. Some people may wonder why we left her there during our vacation. With Sami not being a good sleeper, we never have had a babysitter or anyone coming to our house to watch her for us to go out for dinner or a night out as a couple. So this was the only chance we had to spend some time together. We did some shopping as well as having lunch together without rushing. That was nice!

Then during our 3rd week, we decided to start our house-hunting journey, which all went fairly quick. We found our dream house within a couple days, and made our offer on it. Others may not understand why we made our decisions so soon unless they understand the current house market here, as well as the interest rates on mortgage plus changes in the tax benefits.

Definitely our vacation has brought quite some new perspectives for us to look forward to in the coming period to come.