Harmony in the family

I admit we are missing some harmony in the family. Every weekend I wonder if we can go through it without any fights or yelling in the house.

What is happening? It is mostly coming down to issues regarding how to bring up Julian, my son, my hubby's stepson. He is turning 10 in November.



Honestly I cannot tell whether he is a good boy or not, though I do have faith in him, and think he is with a good heart. Just that I have had people criticizing him for not being an easy kid, or for not listening, or for lying, etc. I often comfort myself that it will pass, and it's just a phase. I tell myself as long as I keep loving him, showing him love, it will be OK.

But will it be okay? And these days I question my parenting skills too. I have doubts in myself. I find myself exploding more often than I would like to admit, and I am not proud of it.

Then there is my hubby who struggles with my parenting skills as well as Julian's misbehaviour. He is more traditional than I am, it turns out, even though he was born and raised in the western world. Sometimes the traditional way means regaining control by overpowering Julian with more yelling, threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, and ultimatums. But this to me creates a bigger issue, and all three of us end up all upset.

So I question myself what triggers our explosions in the house? Let me name some of them:

• Not getting up on time for school even though we asked him to go to bed on time and set his alarm.
• Not going to bed on time.
• Not coming home on time from school.
• Not willing to do a few household chores that he should be capable of doing and these chores have always been assigned to him.
• Not having done his home work or prepared his tests for school. Getting him to start is always a big issue.
• Not having got his things ready such as his football training clothing or football game clothing ready, ending up last minute panic. I did remind him each time a day or two in advance.
• Wanting more screen time, such as TV, or computer, or smart phone devices.
• Being slow in things like going under the shower, getting changed or dressed.
• Basically pushing the boundaries over and over again even though we have been strict on these.

Because of these triggers, we end up snapping, instead of being in control of our own feelings, then Julian snaps back. Boom! Our conflict escalates!

I really want to get ourselves back on track, to be more committed as a family to more peaceful and respectful communication. Maybe we need to have some non-judgmental listening, relaxation, and reconnection.

I do realize I must let go of feeling being a single mom of Julian's, since when my hubby is being harsh on Julian, I feel he has no or less unconditional love than what I have with Julian. I blame myself for that. I do certainly know my hubby is doing his best, and he is thrown into parenthood overnight. I cannot make him to feel connected with my son as if Julian was his own son. I feel bad that Julian has some personality from my ex, and that doesn't come down well with my hubby then.

I also want to work on my parenting skills. I feel I have used up my patience when I was with my ex, as I tolerated all things that he did. Now I sometimes feel as if I want to re-gain control. I know I should not do so by being impatient on Julian. Just that when Sami is being demanding during dinner time (such as not eating or throwing all food onto the floor), and one of the above triggers happens, then my switch just snaps! I seriously don't know how I can be less stressed. At times I'm alone and sometimes that's good. At times I get more stressed when knowing my hubby can be even more tough on him than I would do. I don't know how to get my hubby to see more of the goodness in Julian than all the negative things that show in the spotlight.

Of course, when the stress level builds up so high, I should take a break, walk away from the situation and let my grey clouds above my head blow away. Just that often I cannot do so because I am tied up with commitments with both kids. I feel these days trapped as well, since I run from work to home, and from home to work. Yes, luckily, recently Julian started his bi-weekly Chinese class again, so that I do get roughly 2 hours to myself. Even though I have this feeling, I don't dare to demand alone time either as my hubby also is devoting his time from home to work, and from work to home. Plus I'm just physically tired too after a day of marathon with the kids and with work.

My hubby did take a workshop on "How to talk to kids", and he has ordered the books online. However, I think we all struggle too on how to put these in practice. I used to do it better, but now I am struggling more and more.

Parenting is hard work. I am not going to tell my children that I don't make mistakes and that I am always right. I am NOT God. I am not ashamed to admit I don't have it all under control, because I believe by accepting my imperfection, I can then move onto improving myself to become a better me.

So please, if any of you have any good suggestions on how I can make this work, I would be very pleased to know.

Living Now

Recently an insurance company made a small video based on a true story, and that is just touching everyone's heart, and I want to share it with you all. Also, because I used to bike a lot, and even though it was my husband who had Julian at the back in that same bike carrier, it does catch my attention.



In Hong Kong, it's hard for most of the people to get holidays since their number of vacation days at work is very limited. Many work hard to make sure they have enough money to pay the bills.

This father, who has spent time with other kids at his school decided now it's time for him to spend time with his daughter who is about to start school. He left his wife and the little son at home, and took his bike with the bike carrier along to Taiwan with his daughter to go for a bike-tour in Taiwan. He wanted to have these 11 days with her alone, as he realized time won't wait for him. He wanted to show her how much he loves her.

During this movie, there are quite many touching moments. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't have yet English subtitles. I will just put some highlighted points here to give you a feel of what it is about.

The little girl had to learn to say her own name in a different language (Manadarin, since she is used to only speak in Cantones), and after a few times, she managed.

During the tour, she complained wanting to take the seatbelt off, but daddy told her it was for her own safety and she must keep it on. And she complained more and more when daddy was biking up the hill during a heavy rain shower. Eventually daddy fell and hurt himself a bit. At that moment, they both were upset. She refused to eat even daddy asked her to a few times. When they continued the journey, she asked daddy if they could just go home. That made him doubted his decision. Luckily, she asked daddy if it still hurt, which really was the cure to the wound.

They walked passed an old dog, and she asked if daddy would grow old one day as she won't want that to happen. He told her he won't and they chased each other.

When they slept in a tent, she asked him if he would be with her tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after....and after... Daddy promised her he will be there for her everyday.

One day after they checked into a hotel, and she was stepping out after a long shower, daddy noticed her bruised neck caused by the seatbelt. That hurt daddy more than it probably hurt the girl, and he promised her he would fix it right away the next day. She decided to make her dad feel better by saying a song, "twinkle twinkle little star" with special lyrics

Twinkle twinkle little star
He he ha ha, happy smile
Daddy loves little girl the most
Day day Hug Hug Kiss and Kiss
Twinkle twinkle little star
Every night night kiss baby

Even though it's filmed by an insurance company, there was an interview made with the real dad, daughter and mom. You can really feel how much love there is, and how true the story is.

Sure enough, we all love our children. And one thing from the interview that I watched reminded me the fact that all families are not perfect. The dad said during the 11 days, both himself and the daughter threw temper at each other. Yet at the end of the day, they love each other the most. I think it is ok for us to be imperfect, but it is important to show how much we love each other.

Parenting guilt

Gosh, where do I start?! These days it is almost impossible to live without feeling guilty while you should not be!

I have felt awfuly guilty for having put my son into a divorced family as I left his father after having put up with a 12 years unfaithful relationship with his father and occasional physical abuse. At the moment of having Julian in my belly, I only dreamt of having a perfect family picture.

I have felt guilty for having my son learning to accept having a stepfather around who is strict on him, but from words Julian says from time to time, I know Julian cares and loves my hubby still.

I have felt guilty for not being a full time mom for my kids, but I know I would be a much more of a horrible mom if I were to be staying home. I am just no good at it.

I have felt guilty for not having enough time for my son when my daughter who is now only 17 months old drains my battery, and patience, drags me out muliple times at night, and had been a child that had a medical condition. Luckily though she is still on medication, she is doing much better.

Everyday I get up and I get going, staying strong for my loves ones. Just that what is hard is when I'm being criticized on my parenting skills.

I hate being told I don't spend enough time with my kids, when I don't even have time to go doing sports or go out on my own. At times they hear things from my son, and draw their conclusions. Not that I am saying my son lies, but you would expect adults would be able to think of the other end of the story. My son says I don't have time when he wants to go to the cinema as often as he wishes, but I tell him that it's not handy to bring his 17 months old sister into the cinema. I do bring him occasionally to a movie when we have time off and his sister is in the daycare.

People don't think about my rushing from work to home, and go for a marathron routine of getting dinner ready, picking up kids, getting them fed, washed, playing with them, and getting them to bed. Once they are off to bed, I still need to clean up the mess, catch up on some work occasionally, and have a break of an hour or two before I go to bed.

Lately, I have got my son pulled out of the daycare, and let my son come home straight from school. I head home in a rush to try being there on time. I then let him sit down, talk about his day, or do his chores, while I prepare dinner. We head out together again to pick up his sister. He is a great helper, and I'm grateful for that. With my son being in Group 6 this year (one of his last 3 years before heading to high school), I also help him with his homework. I print out extra workout for him to work on.

So why do I still feel guilty? Why do I still feel awful when people say those things to me? Why do those people have so much say in how I bring my children up?



I have heard these criticisms from people around me who know me, or don't know me. I guess reason for being overwhelmed by the guilts people put onto your shoulders is because I love my kids more than myself or anyone else. I don't want to have done any part of the parenting path wrong, though I also know I make mistakes as any other human being. I let people talk me into feeling guilty because some of these people actually matter in my life. I would like to believe that those people understand how my life is, and why I've chosen the parenting path that I am on.

Unconditional love in different cultures

With the world becoming smaller, we are more exposed to different cultures. I stepped out of my hometown, Hong Kong, when I was 16 years old. I went to America for an exchange program, and I'd learnt a lot during that year. Not only English though some people criticized my American accent afterwards, I gained confidence. I was put in a warm family where they had shown me unconditional love existed.



Coming from a Chinese background, if you were to ask me during my childhood how to show my parents my love and respect towards them, I would tell you by being a good, hardworking, obedient and hopefully high scores student at school. The focus on going to a good school and achieving high academic results is very high.

And for many Asian adults, to show their love and respect towards their own parents is by giving money. There is even a Chinese phrase literally saying, "raising your own children to avoid getting old", which implies the reason to have your own children is to have someone being on your side when you get old, both financially and physically. This has been passing from generations to generations.

I'm not criticizing how my parents had raised me, because I believe they were doing the best way they could according to them. I however have now the choice to do it somewhat differently, by telling my children no matter what I still love them. Certainly I want them to be decent people, and doing well in the future to be able to live happily and independently, I hope I can still let them take their own course. I hope when I am old, they come home and visit me because they want to. I hope to be financially independent enough so that they won't feel obliged.

The Asian culture has taught me to be humble and I would like to show my children that. Just that the Asian culture has got me awfully uncertain about myself for many years during my childhood and even up till today. Asians don't like to let anyone see their dirty laundry, such as divorce or any issues at home. They want to show the perfect family picture to others. Many couples stay together even knowing their marriage has died because of one being unfaithful, and one of the reaons is not being able to face the family or others. Asians also classify women weighing over 45 kgs/ 100 pounds as being fat. Terms like pork chop and elephant legs are being used, not just by the media, but also by people close to you.




I struggle often dealing with this, as it bites when certain comments are coming from people close to you, people who matter to you, people you love, people whom you assume should understand you, etc.

I struggle because I don't want to kill my relationship with those people, and I don't know how to please them. I hunger for their acceptance and love.

I struggle because I feel like a little child again while being an adult.

I struggle because I wonder then how I should raise my own children.

I've sleepless nights because of this, and tears have dropped. But the next morning, I get up and I have to carry on with my life.

I joke about my previous life having been a horrible human being that my current life is about paying back my debts.

Still I am grateful I have a son who does love me. Little things he does tell me how much he loves me. I must learn to tell my children more often how much I love them. I must learn to tell them more often how proud I am of them without over-doing it.

Asians don't often express their feelings verbally as they feel others should understand or feel it. The more I'm exposed to the western culture, the more important I feel certain words need to be said.

I love the moments telling my children I love them.
I love the moments telling my husband I love him.
I love the moments my children still let me hug them.
I love the moments my children hug me back.
I love the moments my husband hugs me and tells me everything will be ok.

Without them, my world would collapse.

Part-time working vs Full-time working moms

In the Netherlands, 60% of the women work, versus 70% of the male population in 2015. There are more women working than in the past, and more men are taking leave to take care of the family at home. So I think for me, it's not that hard to deal with discussions whether I should be a full-time mom or a working mom. People here accept women working.

What is however interesting is the percentage of full time working female versus the part-time working ones. Only 16% of the female population works more than 35 hours per week. Roughly 40% of the women work between 20-34 hours a week, especially those who have children.

In a culture where part-time working mothers are common, it is then hard for some people to understand my working full-time. Even when bringing my kid to the health visitors, the nurses often assume I work part-time that there is always a day or two that I can be home. In the past, I used the excuses of being a "single mom" (which luckily is no longer the case anymore), or having to pay for two houses (that also is fortunately no longer the situation since recent months). So next time when I'm there, I will need to come up with a better reason, so that you won't feel being judged.

My daughter goes to the daycare 5 days a week, and according to some people, that is a lot. We tried having nannies taking care of her, but we just haven't been able to find a good match. When I looked for nannies at the time when my son was still little, I even got asked by one of those nannies why I would consider having a child if I wasn't there for my child. That very moment when she said that, I doubted myself while feeling mad that she judged me. Now thinking back, what I should have done was telling her it was my choice, and it would have been her choice also whether she wanted to be the nanny.

Why do I make myself difficult by working full-time?

First of all, after having kids, your financial burden is just heavier, and working part-time would mean giving in more salaries, so where to find that balance to make sure you've enough by the end of each month.

Secondly, I've told my ex as well as my current husband when we first met that I would not be a very nice person to live with if I would have to be a housewife. Not that I don't like a relaxing time at home without rush hours stuck in traffic getting to work and getting to the daycares to pick up kids, I just am not the staying home type. And no offence, I have all my respects towards those who are staying home for their kids. I think they are doing a wonderful job. It's just that I'm not a good material for being one. I grew up with my mother working full-time, and my father being abroad all the time. Do I think my parents were doing a bad job raising me? No. And I have learned that you need to do your best to achieve something in life. You can't just sit back and expect all will be given.

Thirdly, my job currently won't allow so. I work for an American company and I report to an American boss. In their culture or at least our company's culture, working part-time or working from home isn't something they generally accept. And my job does need more than 40 hours per week of work, so working part-time means going on early pension without funds.

In conclusion, I'm better off working full-time, and the trick now is how to find the balance of being a career woman and being a mom. I sometimes have those guilty moments which I'm sure all moms get from time to time, no matter who they are. I doubt myself for whether I'm being a good employee, and a good mom. Have I got the home-front taken care of? Am I neglecting the home-front? Am I loving my kids less than other part-time working mothers?

At times, I feel life is still unfair towards the ladies, simply because the society expects women to join the working force more as men and women are supposed to be treated equally, yet women are supposed to still take care of the home front, so that when most men have to do their business meetings, their business traveling, or anything so-called related to business, women are supposed to make sure all is taken care of at home.

I'm not saying that there are no good employers who take this into account. However, my husband and I do face often questions from his employer why he can't be abroad during the week and only come home in the weekend. The employer knows I work full-time, but it's not to his interest. I can't blame him from a business point of view. Just that when I had my human resource management classes in college, one important lesson taught was how to manage.

I guess there is just no right or wrong concerning anything around making choices on parenthood. I am doing my best to parent my kids the best way I can, with trial and error. My goal is to have them raised well-mannered, appreciative, and decent persons. I have to remind myself to keep my expectations realistic too, since I know for a fact that I cannot be with my kids while working full-time, and I can't work part-time with the same satisfaction I am getting as a person. I have also learned that it takes a happy mom to be a good parent. Everyday I somehow manage to get dinner on the table and have my kids fed, then I guess I'm not doing such a horrible job.

Just being myself

In the past, many people have asked the question why I'm sharing so much of my life on Facebook or on my blog. Or I see from time to time people posting "I don't give a crap about your life" on Facebook or posting articles about not putting your children's pictures online.

Indeed, it is true that our lives are more of an open book now that the internet has brought many of us closer to each other. In the old days, people would write diaries to put down their thoughts of the day. People could even write audiobiography about themselves, and have them being published.

I am not the kind of person who only share happy faces with my friends on Facebook or through any channels. Sure I share posts with those cute outfits, or about milestones or sweet family days. Yet, life is real, so as parenting. Parenting is real, raw, and can be tough. Puke, poop, pee, snot or any other body fluids from your children are not something as parents can be avoided. Sleepless nights and mess under the dinning table. All these things just come with the title. There are plenty of things people don't mention often about parenthood, and probably this is because these won't fit into the perfect parenthood picture people have in mind. Well, guess what, there is no perfect picture, and I'm not ashamed to share them.




I have my good days and bad days. I have days that I just wanna cry. I have days that I regret having yelled at my kids or my hubby. What I do know is that every day I am learning, so as my kids. I am learning each day more about myself, about being parents, being a wife, being a friend, being my parents' daughter, being a person! There is no ending to learn. This is what my grandfather used to tell me.

There are days that will just keep dragging on. I would feel like giving up, and I will share it out here. I have got then friends who would read it and care about me to tell me it is ok. And for those who don't give a damn about my life, well, I don't mind you just turning the "unfollow" button on. That's all you need to do, and I am not asking for more.

And why do people freak out these days more on pictures that are posted on Facebook or elsewhere? Yes, there are freaks and nutcases walking around. They are sick enough to be wanting to do something on these kids. I don't even want to think about it. But still, if I look back at what life was like in the 80s, our pictures were also posted on school newspapers or magazines and so. I am sure there were crazy people at the time too who could cut those out. Possibly, those kind of news were just not internationally announced or made public as they can be now. These things just happen, and you can only do so much protect them. Surely I won't go posting my kids' naked pictures online, and I am sure those days that wasn't done too.

Lonely parenting

Parenting can be very lonely. It can be lonely when you are a staying home mom, who can not always get out of the door without a messy hair-do, forgetting to bring something along in the diaper bag, running and chasing behind your kids, or realizing not having an extra set of cloths for your 9 year old son to wear after his being soaking wet from a water fight on a warm summer day causing him to walk publicly in his boxer underwear! Ok, the last one actually happened to me yesterday and I'm a full-time working mom, so I hope to be easily forgiven for that.



At the same time, being a full-time working mom, often we feel lonely as being parents, because we rush out of the door from home in the morning to get to work as soon as we can, so that we can make our hours or do our job. Then head home quicker than our hitting the mall as a teenager after school. Once at home, we will switch our role back to being a mom, a cleaner, and a cook, so that dinner gets served and kids are fed on time, followed by some quality time, playing with them as we miss out the hours that staying home moms have with theirs. That quality time may well be shortened because of them being tired from a day spent in the daycare or wherever, so we go straight to the bathing routine. By the time the kids are in bed and hopefully also staying in bed, we still may need to do more cleaning up or other things. Then eventually we are selfishly enjoying the "ME" time, whether that is playing with our tablets or smartphones, or watching TV, we always end up hanging on the couch much longer than we should, so that the next morning when the alarm clock goes off, we would regret having stayed up longer than we should. We swear each morning to go to bed earlier that evening but that hardly happens.

My daughter barely sleeps through the night, and she is 16 months old. She wakes up and cries each night for about 1-6 times in general. I can imagine frequent night wakings are hard for any kind of moms, but when my daughter does it during the weekdays but not as often in the weekends, I can't help to wonder if I have done anything odd.

As a full-time working mom, the only network I can have with other mothers lately is Facebook. That keeps me being in touch with them. Because of my job, I cannot join most of their play-dates. Also, my daughter struggled quite a bit in her first 12 months with some health issues, and we are still having our good and bad days, but that prevented me getting out with her. So in that sense, I feel often lonely as being a mom.

I can imagine some staying home moms may think full-time/ part-time working moms are less lonely because those moms get to have a network that does not involve kids. Working moms get to speak in non-baby related subjects and act again as a normal person. However, the reality is being working moms, being surrounded by people without children or being less involved with children, we then feel not being supported or understood. If we run home because we need to pick up a sick child from the daycare, they would say we are getting the benefit that people without kids are not getting.

We live in a time of intensive parenting, sarcrificing everything in order to take care of our children's each and every need. Modern parenting, or crunchy parenting are the words you easily find on parenting sites or on facebook mothers' groups. Often women are now expected to do good as mothers, wives, and employees, or at least they feel they are being expected to. So at the end of the day, we end up stressing ourselves out. We feel having failed in being a crunchy mother, losing our cool, and ending up feeling lonely in this.

With our daughter having some health issues in her first year, things have gotten more intense for us all in the family. It was hard for others that have not dealt with similiar issues as my daugther has had to understand or imagine what we went through, and what kind of support we needed. I urge often these days people to ask people around them not only "how are you?", but also "what can I do for you to make things a bit easier?". Not saying anything because you don't know how to offer help is as bad as leaving someone at his/ her own dispair. I went through certain degree of postnatal depression and I know how hard and lonely one can feel even if there is a smile on the face.

So far, I have only mentioned about the role of mothers while parenting does often involve both mothers and fathers. I should then think I am NOT lonely in this parenting journey, right? Well, it is not that simple. It is not because my husband is not a dictated father. He does feed our daughter almost every morning her breakfast. He has most of the time more patience than me on our daughter, maybe a bit less on my son, his stepson but that is because he has higher expectation on my son. He does most of the household things I ask him to help with, he does go get groceries and make me happy by getting cakes that I love. He has been standing by my side when we struggled with our daughter's health issue while some or most doctors sent us home. He is a good husband and a good father, but he is a man, and that makes it sometimes lonely for me on this parenting path. He does not read as much literature on parenting as I do, and when he does, he does what he calls speed reading He comes from a different childhood background than mine, and he somehow is stuck to that parenting style which to me it is too old fashion. Our parenting style crashes totally, while we love each other as a couple. So how do we do this as a family?

Yet, even though parenting is lonely sometimes to me, I am thankful for everything I have, my family! I am sorry for my meltdowns and taking my frustrations out on my hubby, and my kids. Yes I complain about the lack of sleep I have, the postnatal big belly I have got, the messy dinning table we have, the lack of freedom, etc. It is easy to believe we were more in love with each other as a couple before we had our daughter. We could go out on dates, dining, slept in each other's arms, or even had nice longer sex sessions. That was love, but now we have real love as a family. Choosing to keep on going and giving up on certain things, to give everything we have no matter how exhausting that is, and often none of that is romantic, but we know this is true love as a family. And that will bring us being good parents. We will continue making mistakes as we learn each day.