Dealing with being bullied

The first time I understand the content of bullying was when I became a student in the USA, and a classmate of mine got bullied at senior high school to such an extent that he eventually decided to take his own life. I remember attending his funernal, and some kids who used to bully him apologized but it was in fact too late.

In Hong Kong when I was a kid, what I would consider something close to bullying would be things like not being allowed to play together, and being left out. Maybe generations are different now. Or maybe it is because I was in girls' school. Or maybe because I was in a good school. Or maybe because I was lucky... anyway, I hardly really got to know what bullying really means.

Then after I met my ex, my ex told me that he was bullied being a child, and that could also be the reason why he became a difficult person as an adult. I used to think that was an excuse as I believed everyone's destiny should be in their own hands, and not just be restrainted by their past.

Now with my son of 9 years old growing up, he sometimes comes home telling me he has been bullied. So first I try to understand from him, if it is just teasing, or if it is really bullying. I try to let him explain to me the difference of it, and let him give me the facts. Often what is considered insulting or upsetting is different for different people, time, and places.

My husband, Julian's stepdad, once wrote a letter to school at one of the occasions as Julian was being bullied for his Chinese roots. The school director immediately acted on it, and spoke to the kids involved. Julian was told to talk to the director if it happened again. In between time, he was told by the teacher from his class not to bother the director. And whenever Julian told the teacher he was being bullied, the teacher would just say she would pay attention to it.

Sometimes I asked myself if I ever felt being bullied after I joined the western world. And yes, indeed, I could say yes to it. I had kids pulling their eyes apart, laughing at me about my being Chinese. I had kids laughing at the shape of my face. I had classmates from the university laughing at my being small/ short. I had co-workers laughing at my not being able to pronouce my Dutch properly. All these at times bothered me, and my mom didn't tell me what to do, as I was told by others also that I should believe in myself. I have my inner beauty, and I know that by working hard myself, I will have a higer chance of getting where I want to be.

Maybe boys react differently than girls. Maybe the generations are different than mine back then.

Recently, my son did something wrong to a classmate who bullied him. My son was jealous of that kid, plus he felt he didn't fit into a small number of boys in his class if he couldn't get along with the bullying boy. He wrote an apology letter and the last line of the letter caught my eye. He wrote, "please don't beat me up." I asked him about it a few days later after the event, and he said he didn't get beat by the bullying kid luckily, but he wasn't sure if he would be beat up by the brother of that kid.

Then this weekend, my son stormed into the living room emotionally after having played outside for a short bit. I asked him what happened, and he told me that kid was again being mean to him, and so as the elder brother of his. I calmed him down, and asked him to stay in with me for a while. He went on watching the tv, while I was cooking dinner. We got interrupted by those kids ringing the doorbell several times and running away.  My husband warned them once through the intercom, but they continued by kicking their football against the wall of our house.

I decided that was the moment to take action. Certainly their first reaction was to run away, but one ran too slow, so I got to ask them to come in eventually and we would have a talk. Luckily these kids are still a bit afraid of adults, so they obediently sat down. I started the chat with telling them that it was not very nice of them of what they were doing on that day. My hubby joined us explaining to these kids with Julian together on what bullying is about, and the line between teasing and bullying is very thin.

Hopefully that would be more helpful than getting the school involved. And that Julian will also learn how to deal with this in the future. Julian used to think that he got bullied because he is half Chinese. He was surprised to hear from me that I could also be laughed at for my appearance in Asia.


This beatle is a Dutch logo for anti-bullying (pesten) at school.