I have felt awfuly guilty for having put my son into a divorced family as I left his father after having put up with a 12 years unfaithful relationship with his father and occasional physical abuse. At the moment of having Julian in my belly, I only dreamt of having a perfect family picture.
I have felt guilty for having my son learning to accept having a stepfather around who is strict on him, but from words Julian says from time to time, I know Julian cares and loves my hubby still.
I have felt guilty for not being a full time mom for my kids, but I know I would be a much more of a horrible mom if I were to be staying home. I am just no good at it.
I have felt guilty for not having enough time for my son when my daughter who is now only 17 months old drains my battery, and patience, drags me out muliple times at night, and had been a child that had a medical condition. Luckily though she is still on medication, she is doing much better.
Everyday I get up and I get going, staying strong for my loves ones. Just that what is hard is when I'm being criticized on my parenting skills.
I hate being told I don't spend enough time with my kids, when I don't even have time to go doing sports or go out on my own. At times they hear things from my son, and draw their conclusions. Not that I am saying my son lies, but you would expect adults would be able to think of the other end of the story. My son says I don't have time when he wants to go to the cinema as often as he wishes, but I tell him that it's not handy to bring his 17 months old sister into the cinema. I do bring him occasionally to a movie when we have time off and his sister is in the daycare.
People don't think about my rushing from work to home, and go for a marathron routine of getting dinner ready, picking up kids, getting them fed, washed, playing with them, and getting them to bed. Once they are off to bed, I still need to clean up the mess, catch up on some work occasionally, and have a break of an hour or two before I go to bed.
Lately, I have got my son pulled out of the daycare, and let my son come home straight from school. I head home in a rush to try being there on time. I then let him sit down, talk about his day, or do his chores, while I prepare dinner. We head out together again to pick up his sister. He is a great helper, and I'm grateful for that. With my son being in Group 6 this year (one of his last 3 years before heading to high school), I also help him with his homework. I print out extra workout for him to work on.
So why do I still feel guilty? Why do I still feel awful when people say those things to me? Why do those people have so much say in how I bring my children up?
I have heard these criticisms from people around me who know me, or don't know me. I guess reason for being overwhelmed by the guilts people put onto your shoulders is because I love my kids more than myself or anyone else. I don't want to have done any part of the parenting path wrong, though I also know I make mistakes as any other human being. I let people talk me into feeling guilty because some of these people actually matter in my life. I would like to believe that those people understand how my life is, and why I've chosen the parenting path that I am on.
No comments:
Post a Comment