2nd round marriage

When I first met my current husband, I realized then that love could be so much different than what I was used to. I could not believe I actually deserve being loved in such way. I in return give him all the love I have, as I realize he is my MR RIGHT.



So for me, getting re-married is not difficult, although I had been confronted by people's criticisms on my jumping into a new relationship. Often for some Chinese, it seems to be a disgraceful thing to do. I have lost friendships because of this, but I tell myself to focus on the people who love me and accept me the way I am.

Nevertheless, in round-two marriage with my husband being the stepfather, my son being the stepson, it is no easy gig. The greatest challenge is conflict over the parenting of the stepson/ son, especially when my husband applies more traditional parenting style, and I apply more the gentle approach. Okay, I will admit it too that I feel guilty too for what my son has to be put through. I made the decision together with my husband to enter this marriage with a sincere desire to create a loving, functional, blended family. My son didn't have the choice. Mixing a family is like mixing oil and vinegar, it is really not as easy as it looks.

Ever since my pregnancy, my husband has been putting his focus on me and our little daughter, that the relationship between him and my son has just not been well-invested and well-maintained. With my son's hitting the pre-puberty age, the number of fights we have at home really tells us how obvious this is beginning to affect our lives.

I try understanding my husband's feeling. I know the tension-filled situation we have got ourselves into often can cause a once-hopeful family to start falling apart, and that is the last thing I want to see happening. I understand that for my husband to survive from the over-boiling frustrations, he may end up disconnecting from me and disengaging from parenting my son.

I do not want to lose hope in this. I have always been a fighter in my life. I have stayed strong all these years to survive, and I will stay strong if I have to. I definitely am committed to make this marriage work by all means. The question is how!

How do we blend traditional parenting with gentle parenting style?



I feel we don't do enough as a family together. In the weekend, my son goes to football, and then we just do our weekly groceries shopping followed by hanging around in the house. And on Sunday, we don't often go out either. Bi-weekly I bring my son to his Chinese private lessons, and when we get around to, we then can spend some mother-and-son time together. I strongly feel there is a need to spend more family time together, so that we have some fun and laughter again in this household.

For those who read this, please enlighten me with your ideas too! I have learned that parenting is not easy but you also don't have to walk alone in this.

Thoughts behind heading towards a harmonized family...(to be continued)

 

Ever since the summer vacation from my son ended this year, we have had times in the weekends that became unpleasant at home. We did our share of yelling and door slamming, which I am definitely not proud of.

Thus I have decided to make steps to make our lives better in a certain way. It is not to say I'm unhappy with my life, or ungrateful. I'm grateful to be the mother of my two children, and yes even having to deal with the reflux issues my daughter has experienced since birth, plus my son's pre-teen character.

I did say before to others that I have a second child because my hubby (from my 2nd marriage) wants a child. But deep inside, I know it' a gift. A gift to us all. Julian has learnt to become such a gentle brother, helping taking care of his little sister, having so much love towards her that I can't put them into words. Sami loves her big brother too. She would call for him whenever she hears him. I hope they will continuing loving each other and being there for each other.



Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Some people say I should not put a magnifying glass onto the problems, as I might be overreacting and giving more pressure onto it instead. They may be right, but I strongly believe that without proper handling, these won't go away by themselves. We can show our children that we make mistakes as we go along each day. We accept we are not perfect, and may fail. It is OK to fail, and you just get back up and learn from the lessons.

Many of us as parents have to break the cycle we personally grew up in, and we have to work on defining and refining our parenting philosophy and principles. What worked in the past doesn't mean it works now. What worked for one of the children does not mean it would work on another child of yours because every one is different. This is not easy, because it is not familiar to us.

One thing I have learned is not to be judgmental, meaning not expressing my judgement along with my agenda to everyone. It's human nature to judge everything and everyone at all times. There is no escape. It's an evolutionary mechanism buried deep in a part of the brain you have no control over. It's useful when it comes to survival and self protection. Therefore, I try not to be judgmental on others' parenting skills, but I do want to have similar parenting approach together with my husband, as we are partners on this parenthood thing.



Coming from the Chinese background, we have been taught to respect anyone older than us with no conditions attached. You just do! I notice now being an adult and being in the western world as a mom, this principle cannot always be applied. I struggle at times to find the right definition of respect to teach my son. These days children want to understand why before they can accept your ideas. That's OK, as that means they are doing more thinking than just being programmed.




Recently, I have tried my utmost (yes, more than just "my best") to be more gentle on the parenting front. Just this Saturday, after my son did his book presentation in front of us, I gave him immediately with positive feedback, followed by some improvement points. This is a skill I need to work hard on, because I grew up in the environment that I often received only negative feedback. As a child, I felt I never could make my parents proud of me, and therefore I pushed myself to be a perfectionist by achieving flying scores. I know maybe without that push, I might have achieved with what I've now today, but I do think it did have an impact on my self image.

In addition to this, I work on being a facilitator, to manage the communication skills between my son and my hubby. They are in a way similar, because they both can be blunt and explosive verbally. I try to jump into their conversation when necessary by providing suggestions on how they can rephrase their sentences without escalating a conversation while getting their points through.



In a way, it does take up a lot of energy from me, but it gives positive vibes back unlike being frustrated only if I were to join their explosive heavy discussion. Furthermore, I have taken the opportunity to get out with my son on a Sunday to have lunch together. We don't go out often as a family because of my daughter's nap time. I miss being out. Anyway, that did some good to us. Next to that, I had two hours to myself after my son went to take his Chinese class. I shopped for some running gear, and met up with my high school friend from Hong Kong who moved to Holland recently to chat. It was very pleasant.

I still had the guilty feeling when coming home, seeing a tired husband with a cranky toddler. I need to learn how to deal with this guilty feeling.

Luckily, I'm surrounded by a few people who can give me positive energy, and support me in their amazing ways that I could not have imagined. They insprire me and remind me things that I may not be able to see immediately. They hold my hand and say everything will be okay.



 

More steps taken to a more harmonized family (to be continued)

Ever since I have became more open about this to a couple people who have been giving me a lot of inspirations and courage, I have been more conscious of what is going on within myself as well as my family.

Over the years, I have been told by some people I care and love that I am a selfish person. I often ask myself the question why they see me like that. I try to then feed them with what they ask from me so that they won't call me as such. I have always believed in putting a mirror in front of myself, and see what others see. And I do think in general, I like to keep pleasing everyone.

Now stepping out of myself, and looking at how I then function as a mother of two children, and wife of my husband. Maybe I am putting a lot of pressure on them by wanting a perfect family picture. Maybe I am trying to accomplish what I want to (over)-compensate what I have missed out in my childhood and adulthood.

 

After having talked to a friend who is a professional counsellor whom I'm very grateful for having met her, I start to realize that the scars that I have put bandages on over the years myself are not just visibly there, but also have impact on whom I am now. I didn't realize the need to heal those scar tissues is that important to me and to my family. I have always stayed strong, wiped my tears and moved on. I didn't want others to think I'm just feeling all sorry for myself or asking for unnecessary attention. This friend told me that ever since she has met me, she noticed that there are lots of underlying issues, like an onion that needs to be peeled. She wondered why I worried so much about my own parenting skills, when she thought I was doing good. She said it is normal that I don't want to make a big deal out of my own matters, but getting closure and not letting these situations take me back affecting my life today is just as important.


So after a few upcoming busy time, I will start to look for the right help to sort myself out. I know putting this out on Internet means coming forward, and people who know me may read this. It's not easy to admit my having weak spots, but I would like those who may be struggling at home in their own corners to do the same. And for spouse and partners, including my hubby, I would like to ask for your support in this. Without your support, we cannot make this. And when I say support, it is not just giving an extra kiss here and there, but it's about accepting who we are, and forgiving us when we snap just because things are becoming too much.