Ever since the summer vacation from my son ended this year, we have had times in the weekends that became unpleasant at home. We did our share of yelling and door slamming, which I am definitely not proud of.
Thus I have decided to make steps to make our lives better in a certain way. It is not to say I'm unhappy with my life, or ungrateful. I'm grateful to be the mother of my two children, and yes even having to deal with the reflux issues my daughter has experienced since birth, plus my son's pre-teen character.
I did say before to others that I have a second child because my hubby (from my 2nd marriage) wants a child. But deep inside, I know it' a gift. A gift to us all. Julian has learnt to become such a gentle brother, helping taking care of his little sister, having so much love towards her that I can't put them into words. Sami loves her big brother too. She would call for him whenever she hears him. I hope they will continuing loving each other and being there for each other.
Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. Some people say I should not put a magnifying glass onto the problems, as I might be overreacting and giving more pressure onto it instead. They may be right, but I strongly believe that without proper handling, these won't go away by themselves. We can show our children that we make mistakes as we go along each day. We accept we are not perfect, and may fail. It is OK to fail, and you just get back up and learn from the lessons.
Many of us as parents have to break the cycle we personally grew up in, and we have to work on defining and refining our parenting philosophy and principles. What worked in the past doesn't mean it works now. What worked for one of the children does not mean it would work on another child of yours because every one is different. This is not easy, because it is not familiar to us.
One thing I have learned is not to be judgmental, meaning not expressing my judgement along with my agenda to everyone. It's human nature to judge everything and everyone at all times. There is no escape. It's an evolutionary mechanism buried deep in a part of the brain you have no control over. It's useful when it comes to survival and self protection. Therefore, I try not to be judgmental on others' parenting skills, but I do want to have similar parenting approach together with my husband, as we are partners on this parenthood thing.
Coming from the Chinese background, we have been taught to respect anyone older than us with no conditions attached. You just do! I notice now being an adult and being in the western world as a mom, this principle cannot always be applied. I struggle at times to find the right definition of respect to teach my son. These days children want to understand why before they can accept your ideas. That's OK, as that means they are doing more thinking than just being programmed.
Recently, I have tried my utmost (yes, more than just "my best") to be more gentle on the parenting front. Just this Saturday, after my son did his book presentation in front of us, I gave him immediately with positive feedback, followed by some improvement points. This is a skill I need to work hard on, because I grew up in the environment that I often received only negative feedback. As a child, I felt I never could make my parents proud of me, and therefore I pushed myself to be a perfectionist by achieving flying scores. I know maybe without that push, I might have achieved with what I've now today, but I do think it did have an impact on my self image.
In addition to this, I work on being a facilitator, to manage the communication skills between my son and my hubby. They are in a way similar, because they both can be blunt and explosive verbally. I try to jump into their conversation when necessary by providing suggestions on how they can rephrase their sentences without escalating a conversation while getting their points through.
In a way, it does take up a lot of energy from me, but it gives positive vibes back unlike being frustrated only if I were to join their explosive heavy discussion. Furthermore, I have taken the opportunity to get out with my son on a Sunday to have lunch together. We don't go out often as a family because of my daughter's nap time. I miss being out. Anyway, that did some good to us. Next to that, I had two hours to myself after my son went to take his Chinese class. I shopped for some running gear, and met up with my high school friend from Hong Kong who moved to Holland recently to chat. It was very pleasant.
I still had the guilty feeling when coming home, seeing a tired husband with a cranky toddler. I need to learn how to deal with this guilty feeling.
Luckily, I'm surrounded by a few people who can give me positive energy, and support me in their amazing ways that I could not have imagined. They insprire me and remind me things that I may not be able to see immediately. They hold my hand and say everything will be okay.
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