More steps taken to a more harmonized family (to be continued)

Ever since I have became more open about this to a couple people who have been giving me a lot of inspirations and courage, I have been more conscious of what is going on within myself as well as my family.

Over the years, I have been told by some people I care and love that I am a selfish person. I often ask myself the question why they see me like that. I try to then feed them with what they ask from me so that they won't call me as such. I have always believed in putting a mirror in front of myself, and see what others see. And I do think in general, I like to keep pleasing everyone.

Now stepping out of myself, and looking at how I then function as a mother of two children, and wife of my husband. Maybe I am putting a lot of pressure on them by wanting a perfect family picture. Maybe I am trying to accomplish what I want to (over)-compensate what I have missed out in my childhood and adulthood.

 

After having talked to a friend who is a professional counsellor whom I'm very grateful for having met her, I start to realize that the scars that I have put bandages on over the years myself are not just visibly there, but also have impact on whom I am now. I didn't realize the need to heal those scar tissues is that important to me and to my family. I have always stayed strong, wiped my tears and moved on. I didn't want others to think I'm just feeling all sorry for myself or asking for unnecessary attention. This friend told me that ever since she has met me, she noticed that there are lots of underlying issues, like an onion that needs to be peeled. She wondered why I worried so much about my own parenting skills, when she thought I was doing good. She said it is normal that I don't want to make a big deal out of my own matters, but getting closure and not letting these situations take me back affecting my life today is just as important.


So after a few upcoming busy time, I will start to look for the right help to sort myself out. I know putting this out on Internet means coming forward, and people who know me may read this. It's not easy to admit my having weak spots, but I would like those who may be struggling at home in their own corners to do the same. And for spouse and partners, including my hubby, I would like to ask for your support in this. Without your support, we cannot make this. And when I say support, it is not just giving an extra kiss here and there, but it's about accepting who we are, and forgiving us when we snap just because things are becoming too much.



Next to that, I've got help for my son. I also want him to be a happy person without more burden on his shoulder considering all things he has been through. I want him to learn how to also put closures on things that happened in the past. I would like him to learn how to build up his own self-confidence, more than what I have been able to do. I want him to see his inner beauty and explore his world without worrying about what others have to say. He has been bullied at school for quite some time, and nothing we have done with those kids and with the school have helped. Because of our upcoming move, he will be going to another school. Yet, I do want him to have a fresh start in this. We have question marks on whether he has a high IQ, and that may explain a few of his behaviors too. So now we have found the right place where they will work on this too.



Out of my own experience, it is not always easy to take the step to seek help. And even after you have taken that step, it may not mean you meet the right person who can give you the help needed. I have had people in the past who tried offering help, and either they say there is nothing wrong, or they do not have the right cultural understanding. The same has happened to my son, because he has had a social worker working on his case for two years. It sounds long, but when I tell you it's two years with many weeks in between because of her working load being heavy, it makes it very hard to focus and get into the core of the issues.

So to those who provide professional help, I hope you would understand that every client of yours has taken a lot of courage before making this step to see you. And the time you spent with him/ her may only be an hour of your 8 hours working day, but to the person himself/ herself, it may the key to their heart. Also, try listening more than doing all the talking, and ask us smart questions. With clients from a different cultural background, refer them to the right help if you feel you don't have the in depth knowledge on such culture.



In the meanwhile, we are working hard on putting what we have learned on how to talk to kids into practice. We have come into occasions whereby we were all about to explode. So what I have done is to let every one's steam cool down first, then get back together to talk calmly about what happened. Telling Julian that we have been disappointed by some things he has done, and explained reasons behind that.

However, one good point a friend has pointed out to me, is that we should do more family meetings, just sitting around the table or so to talk about things. One skill is something my hubby and I need to work on is listening. As adults and parents, we always feel we should talk our kids into fixing things, fixing their feelings, and then we end up lecturing them, which then in return the kids would just dislike these meetings. So how to validate their feelings, and allow the kids to discover that they can work through their feelings and learn from them? This is something we still need to work on.