Now this time, eight years later, with my being older, and having a very lovely husband, I thought I won't have to deal with depression again. Yet, I started getting all the signals especially when Sami was crying a lot, and that scared me.
- a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
- loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
- lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
- disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night even when the baby is sleeping
- difficulties with concentration and making decisions
- low self-confidence
- poor appetite
- feelings of guilt and self-blame
- feelings of regrets having a baby
- thinking if I do get as far as wanting to hurt the baby, I would hurt myself first
I started seeking for help not only for myself but also for Sami. She got hospitalized and that was when I could take a break. When she was in the hospital, I was in a way glad that she was there, that I could be alone again! I stopped breastfeeding after having discussed with my family doctor, as the advantages of breastfeeding don't outweight the risk of my getting a depression. I was glad then that I could finally be detached from my child. I felt so guilty feeling so, and found it hard to express these feelings to others. Luckily, my hubby has been great, though it has been tough on him also. On top of that, I did get a lot of support from a facebook mother supporting group! I threw out a lot of frustrations and feelings on there, and many people really left great supporting comments. Some even came by to talk to me or drove me to the hospital when I couldn't drive after the c-section.
The recovery from the c-section didn't make it easier on me, as it was longer than expected. Even up till today, I still have pain in my belly. That made it harder, as I was just physically drained.
My hubby is a freshman in terms of being a father. It's all new to him, and that's also different, since to me, this is my second time being a mom. When being new to parenthood together as a couple, I think you kind of make your way through together, like growing into it together. It has nothing to do with him not willing to do things, as that's not the case at all, but I somehow gave myself more pressure than necessary.
I eventually went to the family doctor on this. Apart from stopping with the breastfeeding, he referred me to the psychologist. I had 3-4 sessions with her, and I have to say that didn't help me much, apart from my recognizing my issues. My being always productive, in control, doing things in a high speed, having high standards and expectations, etc, all these are great when you're at work. But at home, with a baby, that doesn't work well, as it's not like the harder you work, you will get immediate results right away.
Not everyone in my surroundings can help or understand my situation. I felt also that I'd to feel being lucky to be granted such a lovely child, and that I am being a mom for the 2nd time, so I should be able to do this. Also, my son being 8 years old, should be so easy comparing to those having toddlers running around. I felt I'd no right to be complaining, yet I couldn't feel any joy, especially when others congratulated us and told me to enjoy the time. I really wanted to ask, "what kind of enjoyment do you mean?!" I felt I was being like a teenager mom, for having got pregnant accidentially and having regrets, while this pregnancy was planned. The pregnancy was full of bumpy roads, like heavy bleeding, gestational diabetes and pelvis instability. So I knew I was supposed to be glad.
YET, I DIDN'T!!!!
Eventually after weeks of research, and being rather agressive (not physically) on medical staff, we finally found out Sami has silent reflux which she is getting 200% dosage of medication, plus her tongue tie and upper lip tie being cut helped her to drink better. We went to osteopathy, and that seemed to have helped her too to calm down. Once she started to sleep a bit better with less crying, I started to relax more.
We still have got ups and downs, especially when she just had her vaccination, or when she got her tongue tie and so cut. Also, we have noticed she hardly sleeps during the day. I tried staying home with her all day long to let her having sufficient rest. I tried keeping her in bed, but she would just cry. I tried not picking her up, I tried holding her, I tried.... everything, or nothing! But none of those helped. And that made me really frustrated but also insecure about myself being a mother.
Then gradually I told myself I'd to get out of this, so I decided to get out with her more often during the day, since she won't sleep anyway at home. At least out there, even though she is with me, her crying doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as when we are at home. She does sometimes cry the whole trip in the car, which can drive you insane, but then I told myself I can't help her when I'm driving. And if by talking to her or singing to her won't calm her down, then I may as well shut my brain up a bit, and concentrate on getting us home without going crazy.
So I started going out with her. First with my hubby, then with my mom, after that alone. Of course, during all doctors' visits, I went out with Sami, but those were obligations. And now after having done this alone, I find it comforting to see she can sleep in her pram, while I can still have some time to either get things done, or to meet up with people. It's better than my brain going on and on thinking whether she is sleeping or not. It really got to the point where I started hearing things, thinking she was crying while she wasn't.
So what helped me from being away from a postnatal depression? Not the drugs that I got prescribed, as I didn't dare to take them due to the side-effects shown. Not from the talks with the psychologist. It was more like right proper support from the right people. These days you do have to fight to get the right support. And I'm also very grateful for having some friends helping me, giving me support!
At the same time, I really hope that we all would give all mothers the best support we can give to them. Recently on the news in Hong Kong, there was a single mom with 2 kids (her eldest son at similar age as my son, and a daughter of 1.5 years old), who suffered from postnatal depression and didn't get the right support and help, ended up chopping her daugther to death. Her eldest son stood in front of the apartment door, and could you imagine what kind of impact that would give on his life? And poor woman! Some people would blam her, but in fact, for a woman being abandoned by the husband with two kids, and having a depression without much help granted, I feel sorry for her. I don't agree with what she had done, but I really could imagine how far one could get at a certain point.
I'm lucky to have been able to steer away from a postnatal depression. When one gets ill from having a cold or whatever, the person won't feel ashame to tell others about it. With depression, people don't often dare to say it out loud to avoid being judged. It's almost like a taboe while it shouldn't be. No one wants to be depressed, and often it's not like you make yourself depressed! It's hard to admit having an issue, then getting the right help. So I hope we all can try our best to give the support we can give, instead of just staying away thinking that the person is busy or telling them everythiing would be fine.
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