What is happening? It is mostly coming down to issues regarding how to bring up Julian, my son, my hubby's stepson. He is turning 10 in November.
Honestly I cannot tell whether he is a good boy or not, though I do have faith in him, and think he is with a good heart. Just that I have had people criticizing him for not being an easy kid, or for not listening, or for lying, etc. I often comfort myself that it will pass, and it's just a phase. I tell myself as long as I keep loving him, showing him love, it will be OK.
But will it be okay? And these days I question my parenting skills too. I have doubts in myself. I find myself exploding more often than I would like to admit, and I am not proud of it.
Then there is my hubby who struggles with my parenting skills as well as Julian's misbehaviour. He is more traditional than I am, it turns out, even though he was born and raised in the western world. Sometimes the traditional way means regaining control by overpowering Julian with more yelling, threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, and ultimatums. But this to me creates a bigger issue, and all three of us end up all upset.
So I question myself what triggers our explosions in the house? Let me name some of them:
- Not getting up on time for school even though we asked him to go to bed on time and set his alarm.
- Not going to bed on time.
- Not coming home on time from school.
- Not willing to do a few household chores that he should be capable of doing and these chores have always been assigned to him.
- Not having done his home work or prepared his tests for school. Getting him to start is always a big issue.
- Not having got his things ready such as his football training clothing or football game clothing ready, ending up last minute panic. I did remind him each time a day or two in advance.
- Wanting more screen time, such as TV, or computer, or smart phone devices.
- Being slow in things like going under the shower, getting changed or dressed.
- Basically pushing the boundaries over and over again even though we have been strict on these.
I really want to get ourselves back on track, to be more committed as a family to more peaceful and respectful communication. Maybe we need to have some non-judgmental listening, relaxation, and reconnection.
I do realize I must let go of feeling being a single mom of Julian's, since when my hubby is being harsh on Julian, I feel he has no or less unconditional love than what I have with Julian. I blame myself for that. I do certainly know my hubby is doing his best, and he is thrown into parenthood overnight. I cannot make him to feel connected with my son as if Julian was his own son. I feel bad that Julian has some personality from my ex, and that doesn't come down well with my hubby then.
I also want to work on my parenting skills. I feel I have used up my patience when I was with my ex, as I tolerated all things that he did. Now I sometimes feel as if I want to re-gain control. I know I should not do so by being impatient on Julian. Just that when Sami is being demanding during dinner time (such as not eating or throwing all food onto the floor), and one of the above triggers happens, then my switch just snaps! I seriously don't know how I can be less stressed. At times I'm alone and sometimes that's good. At times I get more stressed when knowing my hubby can be even more tough on him than I would do. I don't know how to get my hubby to see more of the goodness in Julian than all the negative things that show in the spotlight.
Of course, when the stress level builds up so high, I should take a break, walk away from the situation and let my grey clouds above my head blow away. Just that often I cannot do so because I am tied up with commitments with both kids. I feel these days trapped as well, since I run from work to home, and from home to work. Yes, luckily, recently Julian started his bi-weekly Chinese class again, so that I do get roughly 2 hours to myself. Even though I have this feeling, I don't dare to demand alone time either as my hubby also is devoting his time from home to work, and from work to home. Plus I'm just physically tired too after a day of marathon with the kids and with work.
My hubby did take a workshop on "How to talk to kids", and he has ordered the books online. However, I think we all struggle too on how to put these in practice. I used to do it better, but now I am struggling more and more.
Parenting is hard work. I am not going to tell my children that I don't make mistakes and that I am always right. I am NOT God. I am not ashamed to admit I don't have it all under control, because I believe by accepting my imperfection, I can then move onto improving myself to become a better me.
So please, if any of you have any good suggestions on how I can make this work, I would be very pleased to know.
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