Harmony in the family

I admit we are missing some harmony in the family. Every weekend I wonder if we can go through it without any fights or yelling in the house.

What is happening? It is mostly coming down to issues regarding how to bring up Julian, my son, my hubby's stepson. He is turning 10 in November.



Honestly I cannot tell whether he is a good boy or not, though I do have faith in him, and think he is with a good heart. Just that I have had people criticizing him for not being an easy kid, or for not listening, or for lying, etc. I often comfort myself that it will pass, and it's just a phase. I tell myself as long as I keep loving him, showing him love, it will be OK.

But will it be okay? And these days I question my parenting skills too. I have doubts in myself. I find myself exploding more often than I would like to admit, and I am not proud of it.

Then there is my hubby who struggles with my parenting skills as well as Julian's misbehaviour. He is more traditional than I am, it turns out, even though he was born and raised in the western world. Sometimes the traditional way means regaining control by overpowering Julian with more yelling, threatening punishments, withdrawing privileges, and ultimatums. But this to me creates a bigger issue, and all three of us end up all upset.

So I question myself what triggers our explosions in the house? Let me name some of them:

• Not getting up on time for school even though we asked him to go to bed on time and set his alarm.
• Not going to bed on time.
• Not coming home on time from school.
• Not willing to do a few household chores that he should be capable of doing and these chores have always been assigned to him.
• Not having done his home work or prepared his tests for school. Getting him to start is always a big issue.
• Not having got his things ready such as his football training clothing or football game clothing ready, ending up last minute panic. I did remind him each time a day or two in advance.
• Wanting more screen time, such as TV, or computer, or smart phone devices.
• Being slow in things like going under the shower, getting changed or dressed.
• Basically pushing the boundaries over and over again even though we have been strict on these.

Because of these triggers, we end up snapping, instead of being in control of our own feelings, then Julian snaps back. Boom! Our conflict escalates!

I really want to get ourselves back on track, to be more committed as a family to more peaceful and respectful communication. Maybe we need to have some non-judgmental listening, relaxation, and reconnection.

I do realize I must let go of feeling being a single mom of Julian's, since when my hubby is being harsh on Julian, I feel he has no or less unconditional love than what I have with Julian. I blame myself for that. I do certainly know my hubby is doing his best, and he is thrown into parenthood overnight. I cannot make him to feel connected with my son as if Julian was his own son. I feel bad that Julian has some personality from my ex, and that doesn't come down well with my hubby then.

I also want to work on my parenting skills. I feel I have used up my patience when I was with my ex, as I tolerated all things that he did. Now I sometimes feel as if I want to re-gain control. I know I should not do so by being impatient on Julian. Just that when Sami is being demanding during dinner time (such as not eating or throwing all food onto the floor), and one of the above triggers happens, then my switch just snaps! I seriously don't know how I can be less stressed. At times I'm alone and sometimes that's good. At times I get more stressed when knowing my hubby can be even more tough on him than I would do. I don't know how to get my hubby to see more of the goodness in Julian than all the negative things that show in the spotlight.

Of course, when the stress level builds up so high, I should take a break, walk away from the situation and let my grey clouds above my head blow away. Just that often I cannot do so because I am tied up with commitments with both kids. I feel these days trapped as well, since I run from work to home, and from home to work. Yes, luckily, recently Julian started his bi-weekly Chinese class again, so that I do get roughly 2 hours to myself. Even though I have this feeling, I don't dare to demand alone time either as my hubby also is devoting his time from home to work, and from work to home. Plus I'm just physically tired too after a day of marathon with the kids and with work.

My hubby did take a workshop on "How to talk to kids", and he has ordered the books online. However, I think we all struggle too on how to put these in practice. I used to do it better, but now I am struggling more and more.

Parenting is hard work. I am not going to tell my children that I don't make mistakes and that I am always right. I am NOT God. I am not ashamed to admit I don't have it all under control, because I believe by accepting my imperfection, I can then move onto improving myself to become a better me.

So please, if any of you have any good suggestions on how I can make this work, I would be very pleased to know.

Toddler time..... 18 months and 10 days

Here we are... 18 months and 10 days of having Sami in our Family. People who know me or have followed my story know we have done a bit of struggling to get to where we are. We are not at the end of the tunnel concerning Sami's reflux but we are dealing with it in a more skillful way. Now when I see on Facebook messages from someone I don't know about having a reflux baby, I immediately would like to offer some help, simply because I know I've been there. I want to show them my compassion towards them even I don't know them, simply because I know how much that can mean to someone. I know those dark days well, and it is hard to explain to those who haven't been through this or any other challenging moments with a baby.

The one very nice thing I like about Facebook's functionality is its popping up automatically what have been posted in the previous years on the day. It brings back a lot of good memories, and when I see the bad experiences that were posted, then I can tell myself we have made it. I feel grateful for what I have now.

I must say though the turning point for me on really enjoying the time with Sami is her turning 18 months old. I really enjoy my Saturday morning with her, when my hubby brings Julian to play his football match. Sami and I would have breakfast together, and get ready to go out for some groceries shopping. Even though going alone is sometimes tricky with her demanding to get out and walk these days and her screaming in the buggy because she is not allowed to, I still enjoy it.

I find myself being able to enjoy it because I know what toddler can mean. (OK, I may hit myself with a stick later on realizing I actually don't know enough.... but for now, let me enjoy the moment of it.)



Toddler means they understand partially of what you say, and often it's not the part that you want them to understand or they only understand the last word of the sentence you are saying such as "you are not getting anymore cookies" = "COOKIES", or "we will have to get into the car first before we go for a walk" = "WALK". Then they get awfully frustrated at us for not sticking to the promises made. They cry with real tears, and sometimes can go as far as coughing or choking acts from mega crying. I have learned to ignore it when necessary, even it means I need to sing loud in my head to focus on driving, because keeping us safe on the road is more important than pleasing a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Toddler also means they can switch from a screaming kid to a smiling or laughing angel within a second, even with tears still dropping. Those are the moments we must try our best to remember and hang on to, because these are like water in desert. I love the moments like seeing Sami exploring her world upside down between her legs, or Sami talking more and more.

What I've learned from Julian's toddler days is to stay communicative and consistent. Toddlers like things being predictable, and in general, we must tell children at all age anyway of what they can expect happening or what our expectations are within the next coming 10 minutes, or 1 hour, or week, or month, or year. This makes it easier for kids to accept when they have little choices than to accept our decisions.

On the other hand, even toddlers already would like to have choices. I try being clear on what choices are given. I try to let go of some control to limit the drama which we may get in return. Does it really matter to us whether our child wants a green tee or a pink tee? No, so let the child choose, but make sure you do so for example the night before and explain to the child that this is the decision we will stick with the next morning when getting dressed. And when there are occasions that there aren't really a choice, then I would limit it by saying for example "food or sleep".



I remember loving the age of 3 as that was when my son could express himself much better. So I have now one and half year to bite through this stage, but it's still a lot easier than having to deal with health issues.

Dealing with being bullied

The first time I understand the content of bullying was when I became a student in the USA, and a classmate of mine got bullied at senior high school to such an extent that he eventually decided to take his own life. I remember attending his funernal, and some kids who used to bully him apologized but it was in fact too late.

In Hong Kong when I was a kid, what I would consider something close to bullying would be things like not being allowed to play together, and being left out. Maybe generations are different now. Or maybe it is because I was in girls' school. Or maybe because I was in a good school. Or maybe because I was lucky... anyway, I hardly really got to know what bullying really means.

Then after I met my ex, my ex told me that he was bullied being a child, and that could also be the reason why he became a difficult person as an adult. I used to think that was an excuse as I believed everyone's destiny should be in their own hands, and not just be restrainted by their past.

Now with my son of 9 years old growing up, he sometimes comes home telling me he has been bullied. So first I try to understand from him, if it is just teasing, or if it is really bullying. I try to let him explain to me the difference of it, and let him give me the facts. Often what is considered insulting or upsetting is different for different people, time, and places.

My husband, Julian's stepdad, once wrote a letter to school at one of the occasions as Julian was being bullied for his Chinese roots. The school director immediately acted on it, and spoke to the kids involved. Julian was told to talk to the director if it happened again. In between time, he was told by the teacher from his class not to bother the director. And whenever Julian told the teacher he was being bullied, the teacher would just say she would pay attention to it.

Sometimes I asked myself if I ever felt being bullied after I joined the western world. And yes, indeed, I could say yes to it. I had kids pulling their eyes apart, laughing at me about my being Chinese. I had kids laughing at the shape of my face. I had classmates from the university laughing at my being small/ short. I had co-workers laughing at my not being able to pronouce my Dutch properly. All these at times bothered me, and my mom didn't tell me what to do, as I was told by others also that I should believe in myself. I have my inner beauty, and I know that by working hard myself, I will have a higer chance of getting where I want to be.

Maybe boys react differently than girls. Maybe the generations are different than mine back then.

Recently, my son did something wrong to a classmate who bullied him. My son was jealous of that kid, plus he felt he didn't fit into a small number of boys in his class if he couldn't get along with the bullying boy. He wrote an apology letter and the last line of the letter caught my eye. He wrote, "please don't beat me up." I asked him about it a few days later after the event, and he said he didn't get beat by the bullying kid luckily, but he wasn't sure if he would be beat up by the brother of that kid.

Then this weekend, my son stormed into the living room emotionally after having played outside for a short bit. I asked him what happened, and he told me that kid was again being mean to him, and so as the elder brother of his. I calmed him down, and asked him to stay in with me for a while. He went on watching the tv, while I was cooking dinner. We got interrupted by those kids ringing the doorbell several times and running away.  My husband warned them once through the intercom, but they continued by kicking their football against the wall of our house.

I decided that was the moment to take action. Certainly their first reaction was to run away, but one ran too slow, so I got to ask them to come in eventually and we would have a talk. Luckily these kids are still a bit afraid of adults, so they obediently sat down. I started the chat with telling them that it was not very nice of them of what they were doing on that day. My hubby joined us explaining to these kids with Julian together on what bullying is about, and the line between teasing and bullying is very thin.

Hopefully that would be more helpful than getting the school involved. And that Julian will also learn how to deal with this in the future. Julian used to think that he got bullied because he is half Chinese. He was surprised to hear from me that I could also be laughed at for my appearance in Asia.


This beatle is a Dutch logo for anti-bullying (pesten) at school.

Living Now

Recently an insurance company made a small video based on a true story, and that is just touching everyone's heart, and I want to share it with you all. Also, because I used to bike a lot, and even though it was my husband who had Julian at the back in that same bike carrier, it does catch my attention.



In Hong Kong, it's hard for most of the people to get holidays since their number of vacation days at work is very limited. Many work hard to make sure they have enough money to pay the bills.

This father, who has spent time with other kids at his school decided now it's time for him to spend time with his daughter who is about to start school. He left his wife and the little son at home, and took his bike with the bike carrier along to Taiwan with his daughter to go for a bike-tour in Taiwan. He wanted to have these 11 days with her alone, as he realized time won't wait for him. He wanted to show her how much he loves her.

During this movie, there are quite many touching moments. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't have yet English subtitles. I will just put some highlighted points here to give you a feel of what it is about.

The little girl had to learn to say her own name in a different language (Manadarin, since she is used to only speak in Cantones), and after a few times, she managed.

During the tour, she complained wanting to take the seatbelt off, but daddy told her it was for her own safety and she must keep it on. And she complained more and more when daddy was biking up the hill during a heavy rain shower. Eventually daddy fell and hurt himself a bit. At that moment, they both were upset. She refused to eat even daddy asked her to a few times. When they continued the journey, she asked daddy if they could just go home. That made him doubted his decision. Luckily, she asked daddy if it still hurt, which really was the cure to the wound.

They walked passed an old dog, and she asked if daddy would grow old one day as she won't want that to happen. He told her he won't and they chased each other.

When they slept in a tent, she asked him if he would be with her tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after....and after... Daddy promised her he will be there for her everyday.

One day after they checked into a hotel, and she was stepping out after a long shower, daddy noticed her bruised neck caused by the seatbelt. That hurt daddy more than it probably hurt the girl, and he promised her he would fix it right away the next day. She decided to make her dad feel better by saying a song, "twinkle twinkle little star" with special lyrics

Twinkle twinkle little star
He he ha ha, happy smile
Daddy loves little girl the most
Day day Hug Hug Kiss and Kiss
Twinkle twinkle little star
Every night night kiss baby

Even though it's filmed by an insurance company, there was an interview made with the real dad, daughter and mom. You can really feel how much love there is, and how true the story is.

Sure enough, we all love our children. And one thing from the interview that I watched reminded me the fact that all families are not perfect. The dad said during the 11 days, both himself and the daughter threw temper at each other. Yet at the end of the day, they love each other the most. I think it is ok for us to be imperfect, but it is important to show how much we love each other.

A letter to my hubby

After having written a letter to my kids, when driving to work, sometimes I wonder what if something were to happen to me on that day, I would regret not having said something to someone.

I then thought of my hubby, and certainly from my second marriage. Talking about that, my boss who also once divorced and remarried asked me during her visit in the Netherlands last week whether I appreciate my 2nd marriage more, like she does with hers. I said definitely without a doubt.

Not only because my first husband and I separated for painful reasons, but also because my hubby's love towards me has been so big that he accepted my being imperfect! He has been tossed into parenthood when my son was 6 years old. My son is not the most easy-going child, and possibly partially it is because he has got his father's genes, and mostly because of what he has been put through.



So here I am, dear hubby,

I know the last 2 years, your life seems to have got onto a rollercoaster without the chance of being able to stop for a minute to take a breath. First it was my pregnancy complications, and then it was Sami's health issues plus my postnatal mental state. A lot of focus has been on Sami, and me, but not you.

Most women complain about not being able to go out for a girls' night, but that is because their men are spending their men's night out there. Well, with us, you always do your best to be home right after work to be with us. Sometimes I do long for a girls' night or a date night with you, but I feel in a way guilty to be wanting that seeing you are always there for us.

I remember people have asked me when we met if I was seeing you as a rescue boat after I came out of my divorce. I asked myself many times that question, and I knew each time that I saw you more like my first love. I learned how much love I can have from someone who actually loves me that much. Before this, I lost myself in trying to please my ex by changing myself while nowadays, I may change myself, but it's more for myself.

I love you even more because I notice even though I have added some extra kilo's, you still say I'm beautiful because you love me. You are not just saying it to please me, but you do mean it.

We do have fights, but we have good fights. Yes, it takes time for every couple to learn living with each other's strength and weaknesses. Productive fights are necessary in a relationship, as we then grow together as a couple.

Sometimes I wish you and I had met 20 years ago, so that you could have the patient me, the gentle me, the funny me.... now I'm older, maybe a bit wiser, but less patient, less gentle, and less funny, simply because I have used those up. My first marriage drained that out of me, and at times I am terrified that you would leave me and my son with our daughter.

When these negative thoughts crawl all over me, I then remind myself that I'm now more mature. I stand up for myself much better than I used to. Love is not always perfect. It isn't a fairytale. And it does not always come easy, and when it does come easy, it doesn't stay easy. It's about overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It's a short word, easy to spell, difficult to describe, and impossible to go without. Love is hard work, but it is worthy to realize every moment of it, we are doing this together.



Anyway, if one day I have to leave this world, I would want you to know that I love you to the moon and back. Our daughter and son, and you are my everything. I can give up everything that I have, just to have you all. You have said to me that I am a strong woman, and that I can live without a man perfectly well. Yes, if I have to, I can, but definitely my world won't be the same without you. Thank you for loving me, and I love you!

Your wife

A letter to my kids

Dear Son,

Mommy had always wished to provide you a happy flawless childhood, and mommy still does. Mommy wished mommy never had to put you through what you'd to go through, mommy and daddy separating, knowing your daddy having hurt your mommy, losing your home, going from spending a night at granny's to forever not returning to the same home again with mommy. Not having a home for a few months before mommy managed to get ourselves our own place. Having to switch schools twice, and being split into two families. Sometimes you may feel you need to take sides, but that is not what mommy has intended to do. Mommy believes to provide you a safe happy environment to grow up, mommy needed to make those tough decisions which we could not unwind. Mommy hopes that you will learn one day at times, people have to make tough decisions and we just have to make the best out of it.

Mommy is grateful to see you handling it all, even though you at times struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Mommy knows it's hard for you having your daddy so far away, since he moved to out of the country for his future. Mommy tries not to be judgemental, and respects your love towards your daddy.

Mommy is proud of how well you have accepted your stepfather being part of our lives. You told your teacher at school how happy you were to see mommy being happy again. I know it's not easy, as your stepfather is very different from your daddy, but I hope you do feel the love we all are trying to provide you.

Mommy appreciates how much you love your little sister, though she is officially your half sister. You love her probably more than you love mommy. You learned to accept mommy having less time for you, as you understood mommy used to give you the same time and patience when you were little. You do your best to keep your sister happy even when she cries. You help mommy a lot too to take care of her, whether it is handing me things, or watching her while mommy cooks.

You may feel mommy being tough on you at times, but this is just to help teaching you being a decent and responsible person. Mommy wants to see you doing your best, as you are one intelligent shining star, and I know you can achieve so much in life. Mommy wants to see your making the most out of your intelligence. Mommy doesn't need you to be famous and rich, but Mommy wants to see you having tried your best, being honest and decent!

Mommy can see how much you do love mommy. Little things you do, hugs and kisses you give to mommy, Mommy can see and feel that. Mommy won't tell you how you should love mommy back, because mommy can already feel it. Mommy wants you to know that no matter what happens later on in life, mommy's door is always open for you. Mommy would be so proud of you when seeing you spreading your wings and flying to the big world out there when you're ready.

In the meantime, just remember how much mommy loves you!

Your mommy....

Dear daughter,

Mama wished you could be born via natural birth, instead of a C-section, so that mama had more energy taking care of you, just that mama couldn't change the nature. Mama wished you won't have to go through all those medical issues you'd gone through during your first year. Your being hospitalized for 6 times in six months, being in an emergency room, plenty of times in the urgent care, plus being operated twice are things that only mama and papa would remember, and luckily you won't. No parents want to see their kids suffer, no matter how serious the illness is. Parents wish to take any pain or discomfort from you and have it on themselves than seeing their kids suffer.

Mama is so grateful to see the big smiles you carry on your face, and how proud you are whenever you manage to do something on your own. It can be as little as getting yourself to seat on a chair.

Mama is very proud of your exploring your world. You would carefully first observe what is happening before you engage yourself into it. The Dutch would call it as "a cat watching from a tree". Even though you are little, you are not afraid to show your true nature. Mama does not have to worry about your being teased by other kids, as you clearly let people know when you are not pleased. Mama hopes you would learn to be more subtle on this in the future when you grow older, but for now, it's ok.

Mama appreciates how much you love your big brother, how you look up to him. When mama gets into rough playing on your brother, you assume he is getting hurt, so you would try to object and stop mama.

You may feel mama sometimes having lost patience on you when you get mama out of bed 5 times at night or when you refuse to eat. Mama just wants to make sure you are growing ok, and mama does realize this will pass. Mama doesn't need you to be one chubby baby/ toddler, but just being healthy is good enough. Mama apologizes when she loses her patience simply because of stress and tiredness.

Mama can see how much you do love mama. Little things you do, your grabbing mama putting your arms around mama, patting mama on mama's back, your needing mama. Mama can see and feel that. Mama won't tell you how you should love mama back, because mama can already feel it. Mama wants you to know that no matter what happens later on in life, mama's door is always open for you. Mama would be so proud of you when seeing you spreading your wings and flying to the big world out there when you're ready.

In the meantime, just remember how much mama loves you!

Your mama....

Parenting guilt

Gosh, where do I start?! These days it is almost impossible to live without feeling guilty while you should not be!

I have felt awfuly guilty for having put my son into a divorced family as I left his father after having put up with a 12 years unfaithful relationship with his father and occasional physical abuse. At the moment of having Julian in my belly, I only dreamt of having a perfect family picture.

I have felt guilty for having my son learning to accept having a stepfather around who is strict on him, but from words Julian says from time to time, I know Julian cares and loves my hubby still.

I have felt guilty for not being a full time mom for my kids, but I know I would be a much more of a horrible mom if I were to be staying home. I am just no good at it.

I have felt guilty for not having enough time for my son when my daughter who is now only 17 months old drains my battery, and patience, drags me out muliple times at night, and had been a child that had a medical condition. Luckily though she is still on medication, she is doing much better.

Everyday I get up and I get going, staying strong for my loves ones. Just that what is hard is when I'm being criticized on my parenting skills.

I hate being told I don't spend enough time with my kids, when I don't even have time to go doing sports or go out on my own. At times they hear things from my son, and draw their conclusions. Not that I am saying my son lies, but you would expect adults would be able to think of the other end of the story. My son says I don't have time when he wants to go to the cinema as often as he wishes, but I tell him that it's not handy to bring his 17 months old sister into the cinema. I do bring him occasionally to a movie when we have time off and his sister is in the daycare.

People don't think about my rushing from work to home, and go for a marathron routine of getting dinner ready, picking up kids, getting them fed, washed, playing with them, and getting them to bed. Once they are off to bed, I still need to clean up the mess, catch up on some work occasionally, and have a break of an hour or two before I go to bed.

Lately, I have got my son pulled out of the daycare, and let my son come home straight from school. I head home in a rush to try being there on time. I then let him sit down, talk about his day, or do his chores, while I prepare dinner. We head out together again to pick up his sister. He is a great helper, and I'm grateful for that. With my son being in Group 6 this year (one of his last 3 years before heading to high school), I also help him with his homework. I print out extra workout for him to work on.

So why do I still feel guilty? Why do I still feel awful when people say those things to me? Why do those people have so much say in how I bring my children up?



I have heard these criticisms from people around me who know me, or don't know me. I guess reason for being overwhelmed by the guilts people put onto your shoulders is because I love my kids more than myself or anyone else. I don't want to have done any part of the parenting path wrong, though I also know I make mistakes as any other human being. I let people talk me into feeling guilty because some of these people actually matter in my life. I would like to believe that those people understand how my life is, and why I've chosen the parenting path that I am on.